(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye -
GK: It was August and I was working security at the Minnesota State Fair (SFX) ---- guarding a champion hog named Chester, who according to the scale, was slightly over 900 pounds and likely to win the Best of Show ribbon, which would make his sperm worth far more than yours or mine. (PIG CALM SNORTS, CURIOUS) His owner was concerned about pignapping. So I was hired as security.
TR: It's not just about the blue ribbon, it's that Chester is very close to my family, especially my daughters Wanda and Rhonda. They love that pig. It'd break their hearts if any harm came to him.
(PIG TALKING TO HIMSELF)
GK: Chester's pen was over in the corner of the Swine Barn. He had a fan on him most of the day (SWIVEL FAN) and he thrived on a couple buckets of turnip mash and soybeans and liquid protein (TWO BIG SQUORTS, PIG PLEASURE, CHOMPING) and his sidekick was a banty rooster named Keith. (SFX)
TR: That rooster's been his best buddy for three years now. If we lose him, I'm afraid the pig might starve himself to death. So I hope you can look out for him too. (ROOSTER)
GK: It looked to me like starvation would be a lifelong project for that pig, but I got myself a camp chair and sat in a semi-threatening pose I learned at P.I.N.S., Private Eye Night School. I tried to ward away the crowds who came to stare. (LOW TALK, EXCLAMATIONS. "Wow, look at that porker. Hey fatty cakes. Wide-ride. Let's see you shake your bacon. Look at the butt on him. Look at the you-know-what on him. Wow.") Hey. Move it, folks. Don't crowd the pig. ----People can be unbelievably cruel. (PIG SNORT) Chester looked at Keith and next thing I knew (CHICKEN FLURRY, SQUAWKS) the little rooster flew at them (SCREAMS, RUNING CROWD) and drove them off. I put up a sign. Beware of Pig. And that helped. Except for the guy in the dark glasses.
DR: Kind of flabby around the scuppers, if you ask me. Lookit there, along the beam. You see that? That's called the rise. And this animal is well-framed, no doubt about it. But the poppets aren't thwarted like they should be and the pintles are kind of shanked to the sides there ---- see that?
GK: He was a guy in a straw hat, white shirt, jeans, and a badge that I couldn't read.
DR: You're looking for a longitudinal offset there, along the camber, and this animal has a nice breadth to him, but pintles are shanked and the painter --- that's right there, by the trotters ---- it doesn't batten like it should. I donno. I don't see this animal taking a blue ribbon. Maybe pink, but even that depends. Tell you what, I'd be glad to take him off your hands for five grand. Let you get home early, avoid the rush. What do you say?
GK: It's not my pig to sell.
DR: Okay, make it seven grand. But that's as far as I go.
GK: It's still not my pig.
DR: One more thing ---- there's a pinkish tinge to your animal's retina and to me, that says measles. This guy is in the advanced stages of a serious disease and likely to drop at any moment and go into convulsions, what with the heat and all.
GK: Thanks for the warning.
DR: Got my pickup truck right outside, I can pull up, load him in, pay you cash on the barrelhead, be out of your hair and on my way.
GK: The answer is No, sir.
DR: Let me leave you my card in case you change your mind. Here----
GK: I looked at the chicken and gave him a nod and (CHICKEN FLURRY, DR PROTEST, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS AWAY, CHICKEN COMPOSES HIMSELF) ---- Keith was a full-fledged attack chicken. Not much bigger than a pigeon but he had the bravado to strike fear into the heart of a shyster.
SS (ADENOIDAL GIRL): Mister? Can I take a picture of your pig?
GK: Why, of course. Help yourself. (CAMERA) Handsome pig, isn't he. You wandering around the fair by yourself, kid?
SS (GIRL): I'm supposed to meet my Uncle Al at the agnostic tent.
GK: Where is the agnostic tent?
SS (GIRL): It's over by the Giant Slide. The dark tent with the big sign with the flashing question mark.
GK: What do they do in there?
SS (GIRL): They ask questions.
GK: Such as what?
SS (GIRL): Well, they painted one on top of the tent.
GK: What's that?
SS (GIRL): It says: YOU'RE NOT THERE, ARE YOU? You can see it from the Sky Ride.
GK: Right then a horsefly came in ---- a big purplish one circling up around two o'clock (SFX) and then at nine and then at twelve o'clock (SFX) coming in for the kill just as (PHONE RING SEQ) my cellphone rang and the fly (SFX) was about to attack and (SWISH, WHIFF, WHIFF) I tried to hit him with a swatter and did I mention that I was listening to the radio too? It was All Things Considered and the reporter (FN: This is Ann Taylor) was doing a story about an old banjo player (SFX) who used his music to calm down nervous thoroughbreds (WHINNY) before a race and the fly was right beside my head (FLY) and the phone (PHONE) and so when the race started (PISTOL SHOT, GALLOPING HOOVES) they leaped forward ---- anyway,the fly was circling overhead (FLY) and the phone was ringing (SFX) and when I finally whacked the fly (WHACK) and the phone stopped, I looked around and the girl was gone and so was the banty rooster. (STING) ---- Chester was upset, I could tell. (PIG SNIFFING, THEN WEEPING) I decided to take him for a walk. ---- C'mon, Chester. We'll find Keith. I promise. He can't have gone far. Let's go. (PIG SNORTS. HEAVES HIMSELF TO HIS FEET. PIG FOOTSTEPS) We headed out of the Swine Barn and down the street. (BYSTANDER CHATTER: "Wow. Look at that porker. Hey pig, what's shakin?" MORE) The pig's spirits appeared to life when he smelled a food booth (SFX) and we headed that way. Bacon-Wrapped Turkey Leg---- I don't think so. How about this Beer Gelato? (PIG SLURPS) Like that, huh? Got a Juicy LuLu---- cheese-filled sausage patties---- whoops, no----- pork sausage----- how about Lobster Roll? It's a little spicy. You okay with that? Okay? (PIG SCARF, PAUSE) Too spicy? (PIG BELCH) Got Chicken in the Waffle Cone---- Deep-Fried peanut butter balls coated in chocolate ---- how about Deep-Fried Lobster On-a-Stick---- (PIG SNORTS) Careful with the stick, Chester (PIG SNACKING) ----Hey, here's North Shore Walleye Mac & Cheese. Pizza Tots. Pretzel Curds. Shrimp Dog. Not hungry, huh? How about cheese curds? (PIG PLEASURE) Can you handle a gallon? (PIG AFFIRMATIVE) Okay. Here you go. (PIG SCARFING AND SNUFFLING, SAVORING, SMACKING)
GK: And right then in the Food Building I got a call (PHONE RING) ----
FN (DOG, ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Rufus Arthur at the State Fair Police. Have you seen a midget named Stephanie?
GK: Excuse me, sir. Do you have something in your mouth? Like a big wad of paper?
FN (DOG): No. Why?
GK: Have you just had dental work that involved a great deal of Novocaine?
FN (DOG): No, sir.
GK: Do you have big floppy ears and a tail that wags back and forth?
FN (DOG): I can't answer that question.
GK: What is the top part of a house, the part with the asphalt shingles on it?
FN (DOG): ROOF!
GK: Correct. What is the opposite of smooth?
FN (DOG): ROUGH.
GK: What is the name of the greatest slugger from the early years of baseball?
FN (DOG): Honus Wagner?
GK: Never mind. What do you want, Mr. Arthur?
FN (DOG): We're looking for a midget named Stephanie who looks like a 12-year-old girl --- she used a weight reduction drug someone is selling at the Home Activities Building and made herself small ---- she's got adenoids. And may be agnostic.
GK: I met her.
FN (DOG): We think she stole a hard drive that has the phone numbers of every soybean farmer in Minnesota.
GK: What would she need that for?
FN (DOG): That's for us to know. We think she is an agent of the K.G.B.A. The Kansas Garbanzo Bean Association.
GK: So who spilled the beans?
SS (ADENOID): It was him. The pig.
GK: So---- you're not really a little girl, Stephanie.
SS (ADENOID): It was the pig who squealed.
GK: And that's when I heard the zipper (SFX) --- it ran along the pig's back and it opened the pig up like a big Baggie and inside was a man in a padded suit.
TR: RUSSIAN PROTEST OF INNOCENCE
GK: Okay, let's get to the bottom of this. What is going on here? Who are you? What do you want?
TR: RUSSIAN ADMISSION OF CONFUSION
GK: And then I saw the tent in front of me. A big sign said, "Welcome Agnostics" --- a neon question mark above it. And a sign: "Are You Quite Sure?" Life's persistent questions. Somebody's got to keep looking for answers. But right then Stephanie pulled out a little green bottle.
SS (ADENOID): I got you, Mr. Big. You're just about to get very small.
GK: I raised my hand and found that I had a horsefly up my sleeve. It had crawled up there after I wounded him and now he was flying on one piston but he was pissed (SFX) --- I threw him hard and high, right into Stephanie's sneering face (FLY, SS CRY) and she dropped the bottle and the fly bit her nose (SS CRY) and the man in the pig suit took a swing at me (SFX) and I opened the bottle and splashed him with it and (TR TINY RUSSIAN) suddenly he was two feet tall. I was so shocked I turned and walked into a lamppost (BWANNGGG) and suddenly I was on an island somewhere (SURF AND GULLS) and feeling no pain, and a native woman was offering me a glass of papaya juice (SS NATIVE BABBLE) and when I came to, everything was gone, and so I never found out who they were or got credit for the bust. But that's just how it is sometimes in St. Paul, Minnesota, a town that is not for the timid.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)