COWBOYS
(WESTERN THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS will not be heard today so that we can bring you this special 40th anniversary broadcast of A Prairie Home Companion.
(CATTLE, HORSES)
GK: Not be heard. What are we supposed to do with the herd? We brought em all the way through the suburbs of St. Paul onto the campus of Macalester College and what do we do---- just put them all onto the Snelling Avenue bus and send them out to Rosedale?
TR: Well, I plan to mosey on down to the lowlife part of town and find me a saloon and a woman whose judgment is impaired.
GK: I'm not sure that St. Paul has a lowlife part of town. Too many colleges.
TR: All the more need for one, then. Gotta be someplace in town where people are not trapped in idealism.
GK: Speaking of not being idealists, look who is moseying this way--- (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL) none other than the Big Messer. (FOOTSTEPS) What you doing in town, Big Messer?
FN: I am working for the radio show. The radio show you will not be heard on so that we can bring you this special broadcast.
GK: Me and Dusty've been on this broadcast since the early Nineties, for heavens sake.
FN: Well, I have been dispatched to inform you that you are not on this one. So----- (SPINS CYLINDER) ---- I suggest that the two of you vamoose. Shove off. Beat it.
TR: Let's go, Lefty. No sense sticking around where we're not wanted.
GK: You know, mister, you must've skipped school the day they talked about social skills. But it's never too late to learn. And maybe I'm the one who needs to give you some remedial education.
FN: You? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
GK: You have terrible breath, you know that?
FN: What is it about NO that you don't understand? You pusillanimous pipsqueak.
GK: You know, where I come from, a man who cals another man a pusillanimous pipsqueak had better be ready to back that up.
TR: C'mon Lefty, let's not get into this...
FN: Back where I come from, we use pretentious pissants, peons, poltroons and pantywaists for bait to catch perch, pickerel and northern pike.
GK: A man who calls another man a pantywaist ought to know that this is something he might come to bitterly regret.
FN: Oh yeah? So make me regret it, you lowdown, no good, dirty, cheatin' airhead, bozo, crumbbum, dork, eunuch, feeb, guttersnipe, has been, imbecile, jackal, cretin, lulu, meathead, numbskull, oaf, peabrain, quack, rascal, stoopnagel, turkey, upchuck, vulture, weasel, ex-lax, yahoo and zero.
(PAUSE)
TR: Go after him, Lefty.
GK: I been writing too many love songs. I forgot how to insult somebody.
TR: Try.
GK: You big aardvark. Boob. Creep. Dodo.
TR: Keep going.
GK: Egotist. Fruit fly. Groundhog.
TR: Don't stop.
FN: Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You need a thesaurus?
GK: Hillbilly. Idjet. Jerk. Know-nothing. Loser. Muttonhead.
FN: I already said Meathead. Muttonhead doesn't count.
GK: Mama's boy. Numbskull.
FN: Already used that.
GK: Nitwit. O -----
FN: Time's running out. Five four three two one. Scram
GK: Oldster.
FN: Ha! Look at you.
TR: C'mon, Lefty. Let's go. Leave it be.
GK: Pinhead.
TR: He's gone. He can't hear you.
GK: Quisling.
TR: What does that mean?
GK: No idea. Let's head for West St. Paul (GIDDYUPS, WHINNIES, GALLOP)
(PIANO)