GUY NOIR
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its
secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to
life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: It was starting to feel like summer in St. Paul, and then
suddenly it was feeling like fall, and I had to dig around in
the closet for my sweater and windbreaker, and then by
pure chance, the phone rang and it was a man from Georgia.
TR (SOUTHERN): This is Congressman Birdwhistle from
Washington, Mr. Noir. I have an opponent in the primary,
another Republican by the name of Buford Burford who
accuses me of being part of the Washington establishment,
and he is running a mean lowdown campaign. I am about to
get my fanny kicked. I need your help. (BRIDGE)
GK: I could see a cold front moving in from the west and
suddenly the idea of going to Georgia seemed attractive,
and so I got myself a seat on a no-frills airline,
Chattahoochie Air, non-stop to Atlanta.
(BING BONG)
SS: Hello, I'm Wanda, I will be your flight attendant today.
That smell you smell is nothing to worry about, it's just the
smoker in the back where we're fixing a hundred pounds of
ribs, which we'll be serving soon. Speaking of smoking, the
federal government has outlawed smoking on airplanes, but
I did not so go ahead if you want to. Back in the exit row
you will see two prize-winning Chester White hogs and
they belong to our pilot Chuck Chatsworth, so hands off.
(BING BONG)
FN: How-deee, this is Chuck your pilot up here in the
cockpit with my first officer Checkers ---- say hello,
Checkers (DOG WOOFS) ---- Checkers is the smartest copilot
I ever had and when I come back there to check on the
barbecue, Checkers has got things under control, don't you
worry about it. Okay. Let'r go! (HE WHOOPS, ENGINE
REVS, PLANE TAKES OFF) (BRIDGE)
GK: I got down to Georgia and checked into the Mom's
Motel in Cracker Corner and there on the screen was a
commercial for Buford Burford. (ORGAN MARCH
UNDER....)
FN: It's been 24 years that that wishy-washy moderate
peckerwood Arnold Birdwhistle has been living it up in
Washington, D.C. and hanging out with you know who.
Look at this, people. (TR OBAMA: Thank you to....my
good friend....Congressman Birdwhistle of Georgia.) Make
your blood boil? I should say. This fall elect a real
Republican, me. TR (ANNC: Buford Burford for Congress.
A man who means what he says.) (BRIDGE)
GK: I found Congressman Birdwhistle at a cafe just down
the street.
TR (SOUTHERN): I used to eat at a nice place in Atlanta
but now he's attacking me for being soft so I got to eat
greasy ribs and french fries. Hate the stuff.
GK: So he's running this commercial of you with the
President---
TR (SOUTHERN): He's got worse than that, Mr. Noir. I
was a member of a madrigal group in Washington and he's
got video of it. And he's got a video of me ordering
escargot in French. That's gonna kill me in my district.
(BRIDGE)
GK: And sure enough, a week later came another vicious
attack. (ORGAN MARCH UNDER)
FN: Is Arnold Birdwhistle a Republican? --- he calls hisself
a Republican ---- but is this what you call a Republican? I
don't. (LUTE, TR SINGS IN FALSETTO: Where the bee
sucks, there suck I. In a cowslip I do lie. Fa la la la la la. Fa
la la lalala. DANCING W TAMBOURINE) ---- I may not
fa la la but I enforce the law. Always have, always will..
TR ANNC: Why not elect an American --- Buford Burford
for Congress. (ORGAN)
GK: I talked to Mrs. Berniece Birdwhistle on the phone.
She was vacationing in Bermuda.
SS (CHIC, ON PHONE): I loathe elections, Mr. Noir. I
have to put on dumpy clothes and drink that awful
sweetened ice tea. I begged him to retire but he wouldn't.
GK: You don't sound like you're from Georgia, Mrs.
Birdwhistle.
SS (CHIC): I've had voice lessons, that's why. And I'm
Episcopalian.
GK: Okay. If I may be very blunt, ma'am, your voice may
be a liability.
SS (CHIC): A Georgia congressman's wife never opens her
mouth, she just smiles and makes her eyes twinkle. He's
got to rip into the President and mention Benghazi and the
horrors of health insurance, otherwise he's going to have to
find a job. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I checked into Mr. Burford's past, and talked to a
couple of waitresses, and dragged a $20 bill through a
trailer park, and I found that he had led an interesting life
himself.
FN (LADY): I dated Buford for a time, not knowing he was
already married to two women, and he used to beg me to
hit him with a rolled-up newspaper and make him beg for a
biscuit. And I found him once up in a tree howling.
GK: Did he have hair growing on his face and the palms of
his hands?
FN (LADY): Why, yes, he did, as a matter of fact.
(STING)
GK: The Constitution does not prevent werewolves from
running for Congress but the success rate of werewolves
who've tried is rather slim. When you must go around
shaking hands, having hair growth on your palms is a
liability few candidates have ever overcome. Zombies have
been successful and a few vampires, but werewolves
almost never.
GK: Congressman----
TR: Yes, sir?
GK: You'r e going to beat this man. We'll just schedule the
first televised debate for a night with a full moon. You'll be
fine.
(BRIDGE)
GK: And meanwhile I snuck around to Mr. Burford's office
and found the video of the Congressman ordering escargots
in French (TR FRENCH W SOUTHERN ACCENT) and I
tossed it into the Chattahoochee River (SPLASH) and
I headed back to Minnesota where the forecast was for
gradual warming and that was good enough for me.
(BRIDGE)
(BING BONG)
FN: This is Chuck Chatsworth up here in the cockpit with
my co-pilot (WOOFS) and our flight up to Minnesota will
take us about three hours since we've got fifty passengers
aboard who just ate a big meal of barbecue and beans so we
got us a good tailwind. Yessir! (PLANE REV AND TAKE
OFF)
GK: I sat next to a woman named Lou Ann who'd never
been to Minnesota before and was going to visit a new
grandchild.
SS: Is the snow melted up there yet?
GK: Depends on what you mean by melted.
SS: Will I see snow on the ground?
GK: No more than a couple inches, I'm sure.
SS: A couple inches!!!
GK: A couple inches isn't anything.
SS: We had a couple inches in Atlanta once and we about
went crazy with fear.
GK: Well, in Minnesota we don't even notice it until
there's a couple feet.
SS: Lord of Mercy!!!!!!
GK: He certainly is.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its
secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to
life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)