GK: ....back right after this message.
SS: Four more days till her birthday and still no gift for
your wife. Steve--- what's the problem?
TR: I was thinking about perfume.
SS: You bought her perfume last year. She used it once
and never again.
TR: Maybe some makeup.
SS: Steve, do not ---- I repeat, do NOT ---- ever buy
makeup for a woman. Nine times out of ten you are
going to be tragically wrong. She'll take one look and
think, "Why does he imagine that I'm a cocktail waitress
in a strip club?"
TR: A phone? Some sort of electronic thing?
SS: Who's going to set it up for her? Remember last
time? All those little screws and wires on the kitchen
table?
TR: A gift certificate?SAT 3/8/14 9:28 PM
Page 2 of 3
SS: Steve, that's what you'd give your mailman. Not
your wife. A gift certificate says, I don't know you and
so it's pointless to shop for you.
TR: Maybe a nice box of stationery?
SS: She still has the stationery you gave her five years
ago.
TR: Maybe clothing of some sort?
SS: Steve, clothing --- you are begging for trouble.
Because your wife, face it, is a Large. But if you buy her
anything in a Large ---- well, just don't. You NEVER
buy a woman anything Large. But if you buy a Medium
or Small, it just makes her feel Large. So no.
TR: So what can I get her? I'm desperate. I need help.
SS: The best thing you can possibly give her, Steve ---- is
diamonds.
TR: Diamonds? I was sort of thinking of a copper skillet.
SS: Steve, no jury will convict a woman for anything she
does after getting a skillet for a present. What you want
is a diamond. A genuine diamond. And if it's in a Large
size, even better. SAT 3/8/14 9:28 PM
Page 3 of 3
FN: Yes, you can't go wrong with diamonds. Emeralds
and rubies, opals, or sapphires, all fine too, but a
diamond is a guaranteed hit, 100% bingo ba boom. This
is Sam Diamond, president of Friendship Diamonds.
Open until midnight, give us a call, we deliver.
TR (SINGS, AS CAROL):
Don't give a blouse or a skillet or makeup,
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Or you may lose the house when she chooses to break
up,
So buy her a stone
Or be all alone, holding the phone.
She's your girl for all the world
But you must be willing to spend
For a real love affair it's about seven carats
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.