TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: It was April, and I was in Austin Texas doing surveillance on governor Rick Perry who was preparing for a 2016 presidential run.
FN (PERRY): Executive, Legislative, and....the guys in the robes. You know----
TR (BUSH): Heh heh heh. Right. Judicial. But that's close enough. Now how about the cabinet?
FN (PERRY): Defense. Interior. Weather Service. (SNEER) Education. That's the bad one. (LONG BEAT) Uh. Arts Endowment. OSHA. How'm I doing?
TR (BUSH): Doing real good. Don't forget the Treasury. And don't forget Energy. That's the one that handles nu-cu-lar.
FN (PERRY): Nu-cu-lar.
TR (BUSH): Right. Just the way it sounds. Nu-cu-lar.
FN (PERRY): So tell me. Did you like being president or was it something you just felt like you had to do?
TR (BUSH): Y'know, I don't remember much about it at all. It just went by so fast. There was a war. Two wars, actually. A hurricane. Dick Cheney. Then me and Laura were back home and I was sitting in the bathtub painting my toenails.
FN (PERRY): Transportation.
TR (BUSH): Oh, a limo. But I don't get out that much. Stay home and paint. Wait for historians to catch up on what's happening.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I was working for a lady in Chappaqua, New York.
SS (CLINTON): So he's gonna go for it again, huh? Wow. I think I'm going to contribute to his campaign. Big-time.
TR (CLINTON): So, darling, when you get in, do I get to go with you on trips or do I just pick out the drapes and volunteer for literacy projects?
(BRIDGE)
GK: I was glad to be in Austin where the weather was lovely so I was happy that the governor seemed to be serious about running.
FN (PERRY): Okay, now. Let's talk about the Red Chinese, okay?
TR (KISSINGER): Uh, we do not refer to them as the Red Chinese anymore. "Red" now refers to the Republican party. They're just the Chinese.
FN (PERRY): But they're communist, right?
TR (KISSINGER): We thought so but now we're not so sure.
FN (PERRY): Okay, but who is the leader?
TR (KISSINGER): Hu used to be the leader but he just stepped down.
FN (PERRY): Hu?
TR (KISSINGER): That is right.
FN (PERRY): I'm asking you. Who is the leader?
TR (KISSINGER): And I'm telling you. Hu is not. Hu Jintao.
FN (PERRY): I don't know who Jintao is.
TR (KISSINGER): He used to be premier.
FN (PERRY): Who?
TR (KISSINGER): That's what I said.
FN (PERRY): Lissen, Henry. Don't mess with Texas. (SPIN PISTOL CYLINDER) I am armed and dangerous.
TR (KISSINGER): Governor, if you do not put the pistol back in your pocket, I will begin to release deadly gases that will make you fall down weeping. (LOW FART)
FN (PERRY): Oh my gosh. (CHOKING, COUGHING) (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: So my client had me stay another day in Austin and that night I went to Jenny's Little Longhorn Saloon for the Chicken Bingo. (CHICKEN CONTENTED) A chicken in a cage, the floor of which was divided into numbered squares and when the chicken marked a square, they called out the number. (CLUCK)
TR: B-19! (CHICKEN FLURRY) I-14, I-15, N-15, G-15, O-14, O-16.
GK: The owner of the chicken was a beautiful woman named Lula.
SS: Chicken diarrhea is a common ailment and they get it from insomnia. Did you know that?
GK: I did not.
SS: Chickens need quality sleep just like you and I do, and when they don't get it they become agitated and their stomachs are upset and they get diarrhea.
GK: She was tall and long-legged in jeans and a black shirt with ivory buttons and I wished we were talking about something other than the lower digestive tract of chickens but she was so beautiful, I was glad to wait.
SS (TEXAN): And that's why I designed this little eye mask for chickens to wear at night, made of natural hemp and silk.
GK: I wonder if an eye mask like that would help me sleep.
SS: Do you have insomnia?
GK: Sometimes my mind races and I think of things.
SS: Like, what sort of things?
GK: I'd be happy to tell you later.
GK: And just then someone kickstarted a motorcycle (SFX) and the chicken bolted (SFX) and I chased after it down the street and through a backyard where there was a donkey (SFX) and some geese( SFX) and a dog chased the chicken (SFX) and it flew up on a roof (SFX) and a grackle went after it (SFX) and it slid right down into my arms (SFX) and there was another woman ----
KATe: I've been looking all over for this chicken. I thought maybe a dog got her or something.
GK: She was short and wiry and she had a cigarette dangling from her lower lip. She wore a T-shirt that said, Don't kid yourself.
GK: So you raise chickens?
KATe: Everyone in Austin keeps a chicken or two. You're not from here, are you?
GK: So what line of work you in?
KATe: I'm a gambler, Mister. A rambler and a gambler and a long way from home and I know when to hold em and when to fold em and I've rambled all over this land and led many a man to his downfall. And I've forsaken my husband and my blue-eyed baby to go with the Gypsy Davy and rye whiskey, rye whiskey, is what I cry and I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
GK: You shot him?
KATe: Shot him in the eye.
GK: With a gun?
KATe: I spit in his eye.
GK: Did he die?
KATe: He thought he would die.
GK: Cause you spit in his eye?
KATe: Cause he swallowed a fly.
GK: What happened?
KATe: Made him swallow a spider. Then a bird.
GK: Seems absurd.
KATe: Then a cat.
GK: Imagine that.
KATe: They call me Cat Mandu. I'm the star jammer of the Damsels of Demolition, the roller derby team that crushed the Hell Cats and the Cherry Bombs and left the track covered with blood and gore. But I got tired of mayhem and now I'm focusing on my rambling and my gambling.
GK: So what you gamble on?
KATe: Anything you want to gamble on. Football, baseball- I'll gamble which raindrop will reach the windowsill first. And I'll bet you that I can take this bullwhip and snatch the crumb out of that grackle's beak.
GK: How much you want to----- (WHIP WHOOSH, CRACK, GRACKLE CAW)
KATe: See?
GK: Pretty impressive. How much you want to bet that your governor will run for President again?
KATe: Ha. That's an easy one. I'll bet you my house and car and everything I have that he will not. In fact, I'll toss myself in ----
GK: What you mean?
KATe: I'll bet you myself. If he runs again, I will marry you.
GK: And what if he doesn't?
KATe: I'll think of something. (CHICKEN) Thanks for the chicken. (BRIDGE)
GK: You're welcome. I thought about her as I walked around town that night. And then I saw a shadowy figure walking a dog under the trees (SFX). He went around the corner (SFX) and into a drug store and I aimed my high-sensitivity microphone towards him-----
FN (PERRY): Gimme a pint of rye and a Snickers.
SS: Anything else, Governor?
FN (PERRY): Some beef jerky for my dog.
SS: Okay.
FN (PERRY): And you got those little pictures that when you flip em fast, the lady dances behind the parasol?
SS: Yes, sir.
FN (PERRY): Great. Put it on my account. Hey----Ask me a question, Bobby Jo.
SS: What sort of question?
FN (PERRY): Ask me anything. Pretend I'm President and you're a reporter.
SS: Okay. What government departments are you going to eliminate----
FN (PERRY, PROMPTING): Mr. President----
SS: Right. Mr. President.
FN (PERRY): Education. Energy. Labor. And the State Department.
SS: Oh. Okay.
FN (PERRY): The states don't need the federal government to run them. They can do that their own selves.
SS: Yes, sir.
FN (PERRY, PROMPTING HER): Mr. President.
SS: Mr. President.
(FOOTSTEPS)
GK: I followed him out of the store and he headed up the street and I called my client.
(3 RINGS, PICK UP)
TR (CLINTON): Hello, we're not at home. We're sorry we missed you. Your call is very important to us. If you want to say thank you, Hillary, for the great job you've done, press One. If you want to say, Bill, you saved the election last year and we'll never forget it, press Two. If you want to say (FADE)-
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.