COWBOYS
(WESTERN THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Coronado Alfredo Muchacho Ajua made from tomato,
avocado, potato.... It kills mosquitos and builds libido.
(SFX. HORSES HOOVES, WHINNY)
GK: Whoa. Whoa. (HORSE HOOVES STOP, WHINNY)
TR: Well, there it is. The Pacific Ocean. Very pretty but what are we here for?
GK: You don't care for it? San Diego. Seventy degrees in January. Surfers. Sailboats. Sunshine. Salsa.
TR: It's beautiful, that's the problem. How am I going to tear myself away when it's time to go back to the godforsaken prairie and driving those ornery longhorns down the long dusty trail and resume the suffering?
GK: Well, I'm only here for the San Diego Song Contest and then we can blow my winnings and hit the road.
TR: Back to the godforsaken prairie for another year of meaningless suffering. .
GK: Some might say so, I reckon.
TR: Like the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre. He said, "I want to leave, to go somewhere where I would fit in . . . but my place is nowhere; I am alone. The only reason to live is that I would be even more alone if I were dead."
GK: I never heard you quote Jean-Paul Sartre before----
TR: When you hang around with the sort of barflies and roughnecks we hang around with, an appreciation of philosophy is taken as a sign of weakness and someone is likely to shoot you.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AND STOP)
FN: I believe I heard someone mention the name of the French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartrey. (SPIN CYLINDER, COCK PISTOL) You're not in Paris, mister, you're in San Diego. And here in San Diego we don't go for dark existential thinking. You're in yoga territory, Mister. Get down on the ground and give me a Downward Dog.
TR: Who's gonna make me?
FN: My zen master Samuel Colt.
GK: Who are you, stranger?
FN: The name is Diego Dave. And if you intend to stick around town, I suggest you get into shorts and a T-shirt and lighten up.
GK: I'm just here for the San Diego Song Contest.
FN: You? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well, I am the judge of the Song Contest. Good luck. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
TR: What's the prize?
GK: Thousand dollars is what I heard.
SS: A thousand dollars is right.
GK: Evelyn!
SS: Hi Lefty.
GK: Been a long time. How are you? You look great.
SS: San Diego will do that for a person.
GK: Last I saw you was in Las Cruces.
SS: Yep. Moved to San Diego.
GK: So are you---- you know----
SS: Am I married? No, I'm not.
GK: Oh.
SS: Not yet.
GK: Right.
FN (OFF, ANNC ON P.A.): Will the Song Contest entrants please come up near the stage and we'll begin. Will Contestant No. 1, take the stage.
(COMMOTION, OFF, BYSTANDERS)
GK: You know that fella?
SS: I do. Oh Lefty. I've missed you so much.
GK: Missed you too.
SS: I wrote you letters but I never got a reply.
GK: Well, I tried to write back but it was hard to know what to say and then I'd run into a sandstorm or a landslide or a blizzard and the letter would get all messed up....
SS: It's been three years, Lefty. A girl can't wait forever.
GK: I recognize that.
SS: Why do you do it, Lefty? Ride all over the godforsaken prairie with the chiggers and the grizzly bears and sleep on the ground and eat beans and bacon, when there is a woman who loves you and wants only to make you happy? Why?
GK: Well, that's a long story, Evelyn.
SS: With you, everything is a long story, Lefty. I hate to speak a discouraging word but --- the sheriff seems to be sort of sweet on me and---- well----- a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do.
GK: Hold on, here's the first songwriter.
RD: Okay. Thanks to all my friends for coming out to see me and here is my song, which I will accompany on the accordion. (MUSIC, HE SINGS)
San Diego my home.
OMMMMMMMMM
I've written this pome.
OMMMMMMMMM
And here's what the pome ment.
It meant live in the moment.
Live in the moment.
This moment now.
Live in it. Wow.
Then that moment's done.
And here comes another one.
And another.
And another.
Oh brother.
Thanks. Namaste.
(LIGHT APPLAUSE)
GK: Well, that wasn't bad.
SS: Marry me, Lefty. This is our moment. Let's take it.
GK: I gotta go sing, Evelyn. And then we'll talk about it.
SS: We've been talking about it for years. Just say yes.
GK: I'll be back soon as I win the big prize money----
SS: Kiss me.
GK: I don't like to kiss a woman just before I go out and sing. It's bad luck.
SS: Your life makes no sense, Lefty. They drive cattle in trucks now. They don't need cowboys anymore.
GK: I don't know about that.
SS: Marry me. We can be happy in San Diego.
FN (P.A.) Will contestant No. 2 come to the stage, please?
GK: I'm next. (FOOTSTEPS UP STAIRS TO STAGE)
FN: Right into the microphone, mister.
GK: Okay. (FEEDBACK) Sorry.
FN: Not so close. Okay. Go ahead. Sing.
GK: I'm just about to.
FN: Well, do it. Now. We're waiting.
GK: If you'd quit yelling at me, I'd do it.
FN: You're using up time. Sing, darn it. Go ahead.
GK: I'm ready if you'd just be quiet for two seconds.
FN: Go. Otherwise I pull the plug. Come on.
GK (SINGS)
I'm here to tell you people
Of San Diego
I'm here for the weather
No ice and no snow
And your beautiful beaches
Mountains and sky
And your big enchiladas
An endless supply.
For a hard-working cowboy
This is my reward
I've ridden a horse
Now I will try a surfboard
I may be bowlegged
But I will be brave
And I'm going to catch me a wave.
FN: Okay. Contestant No. 2. Thanks. (OFF) Get off the stage. We got other contestants coming up.
(FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Where'd she go? Dusty?
TR: Evelyn? I don't know. Wandered away, I reckon.
GK: Was she with someone?
TR: I didn't notice.
FN (P.A.) And contestants No. 3, 4, and 5 --- The Sweethearts of San Diego. Girls----
JENNYS:
Everybody loves San Diego
San Diego makes you smile
Ocean and sky and mountains
Why don't you stay for awhile
Never gets hot in San Diego
Never ever does it freeze
Never any misery or trouble
People live in harmony.
GK: I could see I wasn't going to win so I set out looking for Evelyn.
JENNYS:
Bring me little taco, Gilberto,
Bring me little rice and beans,
Bring me a Corona Extra
To show me what contentment means
Bring it in a bucket, Gilberto
Bring it in a bucket now,
Bring it with a bowl of salsa
And a handkerchief to wipe my brow.
(APPLAUSE)
GK: The women's trio won it hands down and I noticed a motorboat pulling away from the pier (MOTOR, OFF) --- it had the sheriff's insignia on the side and I thought I could see a woman in the cockpit who looked a lot like Evelyn. And then the winners came by to offer insincere condolences.
HM: I liked your song a lot.
RM: Yeah, that was really cool.
NM: I'm sorry there could only be one winner.
HM: Good luck with your music.
RM: I hope we get to hear you again.
NM: Send us your CD. We'd love to hear it.
GK: Music and love. Hard luck businesses, both of them.
TR: That's what Jean-Paul Sartre said, too. He said: "In football everything is complicated by the presence of the opposite team."
GK: He must've been from Minnesota.
(GIDDYUPS, HORSES GALLOP)
(THEME)
SS: The lives of the cowboys, brought to you by Trailblazer Napkins.....for a touch of elegance out on the trail.