ROOMMATE

(THEME, DRAMATIC)

TR: THE ROOMMATE SITUATION.

(MUSIC FADE)

DM: So.

SS: Right.

DM: You saw my ad.

SS: Right.

DM: Good.

SS: It was on the bulletin board in the co-op.

DM: Right.

SS: Right above the gluten-free coffee.

DM: You don't have any allergies, do you?

SS: Naw.

DM: I keep rats.

SS: What kind of rats?

DM: Brown rats. Four of them.

SS: Wild rats?

DM: Depends. Sometimes.

SS: That's cool. What's the rent?

DM: Five hundred. You pay three, I pay two.

SS: Not bad for a seventh-floor walkup. Twenty minute

walk from the F train. Is the stairway always that dark?

DM: I light it with my phone.

SS: Is that garlic I smell?

DM: It's a vegetable with quite a bit more street value

than garlic.

SS: Ah. So where's the bathroom?

DM: Here. In the kitchen. You open that cupboard. It's

in there.

SS: And you sleep in the hammock bed?

DM: Right.

SS: Where do I sleep?

DM: You got a sleeping bag?

SS: Right.

DM: There you are.

SS: What about roaches?

DM: What about them?

SS: Are they a problem?

DM: Not to me they aren't. Why? You see one?

SS: Right there.

DM: Okay. (BIG WHACK)

SS: And there.

DM: Got it. (BIG WHACK)

SS: Are you an employed person?

DM: I run an ear piercing stand and I knit headbands

from cat hair and I make a fermented cabbage tea to sell

at LP release parties. How about you?

SS: I'm in a thrash-band called The Love Shovels.

DM: Perfect. So what do you say?

SS: Why would I pay three hundred and you pay two?

DM: That's just how it works. The place is in my name.

SS: I'll go two seventy-five and you go two=twenty-five.

DM: Huh uh.

SS: Okay. No deal.

DM: I'll arm-wrestle you for it.

SS: Fine.

DM: Elbows on the table. And I'll (TAPE RIP) tape our

arms together. You ready?

SS: Ready.

(TWO WOMEN STRUGGLE, FIRST SS WINNING,

THEN DM, THEN SS PINS HER, TWO WOMEN,

BREATHING HARD)

DM: Okay. You win. Two-seventy-five,two twenty-five.

SS: I'll pay the two twenty-five.

DM: WHAT??? Best two out of three. (TWO WOMEN

STRUGGLE. FIRST SS WINNING, THEN DM, THEN

SS PINS HER. HEAVY BREATHING)

SS: There. Two out of three. And here's two hundred and

twenty-five bucks.

DM: I don't want your money. I'm not living here with

you.

SS: Where you going?

DM: Gonna go find an apartment. You can have this one.

I hate it anyway. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAM)

SS: Jeeze. Sore loser. (RATS) (BIG WHACK) Beat it.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

SS: YEAH, WHO IS IT? (DOOR OPEN)

FN: You still looking for a roommate?

SS: Yeah.

FN: Does it matter that I'm a guy?

SS: Doesn't matter to me in the slightest.

FN: How much is the rent?

SS: Five hundred apiece.

FN: Oh. Seems high.

SS: Take it or leave it. I've got other people looking at

the place, so it's up to you.

FN: Roaches?

SS: None.

FN: Rats?

SS: Huh uh.

FN: Stairs are kind of dark.

SS: Use your phone.

FN: Where do I sleep?

SS: Over there. I got the hammock bed.

FN: It smells funny.

SS: That's garlic.

FN: Bathroom?

SS: Under there.

FN: When can I move in?

SS: Give me five hundred and you're in.

FN: Okay. (COUNTS OUT FIVE HUNDREDS) There.

SS: Great. Listen, I'm going out for a minute. Be back in

a few minutes.

FN: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) Boy, this

place is small. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah? Come in.

TR: This where you're looking for a roommate?

FN: No, I already got one.

TR: Lady on the stairs said you're looking for a

roommate.

FN: Skinny lady with hair in a bun and dark glasses and

orange T-shirt?

TR: That's her.

FN: I guess I am, then.

TR: How much is rent?

FN: Split it evenly. A thousand apiece.

TR: Boy, that's pretty steep for a little apartment.

FN: Oh, this is just the lower level, there's four more

rooms upstairs.

TR: Can I see it?

FN: Soon as you give me a deposit.

TR: But I haven't even seen it.

FN: I've got someone else coming to look at it in five

minutes, so suit yourself.

TR: How much of a deposit?

FN: One month's rent.

TR: You accept checks?

FN: No.

TR: Dang. Well, okay. Here. (COUNTS OUT TEN

HUNDREDS) Which way to the upstairs?

FN: I gotta go around and unlock the door. Be right

back. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSED)

TR: Boy, this place is a dump. Roaches. And there's a

rat. Two of them. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah? Who is

it? (DOOR OPEN)

GK: This the apartment looking for a roommate?

TR: No, that's next door and they already got a

roommate. This is the apartment that's for sale.

GK: How much?

TR: Two grand.

GK: Really. Wow. Pretty cheap for an apartment. How

come?

TR: Mother died and left it to me and it's got so many

painful memories, I just want to get rid of it.

GK: You got a deed?

TR: Give me the two grand and I'll go get the deed.

GK: Well, okay. (COUNTS OUT TWENTY

HUNDREDS) There.

TR: Great. Back in a minute. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR

OPEN, CLOSE)

GK: Boy, this is a steal. I can resell this for ten grand

tomorrow.

(DOOR OPEN)

DM: What you doing in here?

GK: This is my apartment.

DM: It's yours? I thought it belonged to an old guy in

Queens.

GK: Well, I'm not as young as I used to be.

DM: I sublet it from a guy who rented it from another

guy whose name is on the lease. Lenny something.

GK: Well, it's mine now.

DM: Huh. You married?

GK: Nope.

DM: Want to be?

GK: Could be.

DM: You marry me, you got somebody who knows how

everything works. I can fix it. Apartment this old, you

need someone like that. Besides I make a fermented

cabbage tea that'll knock your socks off.

GK: I wouldn't mind having my socks knocked off.

DM: Marry me.

GK: Okay. Deal.

DM: I was looking for a roommate and I got a husband

instead. Today is my day.

GK: Mine too, I guess.

(THEME)

TR: JOIN US AGAIN IN THE NEAR FUTURE FOR

ANOTHER EPISODE OF......THE ROOMMATE

SITUATION.