GK: So you leave Minnesota and move to Texas so you can lead an active life outdoors year round. You can go biking one day (SFX), and Brahma bull-riding the next (SFX), swim (DIVING BOARD) or shoot beer cans (SFX).
So, one weekend you enter yourself in the West Texas Marathon for a $10,000 prize, 50 elite athletes entered (MANLY MURMURS, WARMUP GRUNTS), and as you stand at the starting line in Midland you notice the beautiful woman standing in the shadows watching you (SS: Hi. Ha yew? I hope you're the winner. You are so special. See you at the finish line. I love you.) and off you go (GUN) (PUSHING, SHOVING, RUNNING FEET). The first leg is a 10-mile run in your bare feet (SFX), dodging cougars (SFX) and rattlesnakes (SFX), and demented rural people (DEMENTED HOLLER) and then a pole vault run (SFX) vaulting over barbed wire fences (SFX), and over feed lots (SFX) and it's windy (SFX)-and some men fall into the manure (SFX) but you make it and go down into the Rio Grande (SFX), and paddle your raft (SFX), over the rapids (SFX), and you avoid the Border Patrol (CHOPPER, PA: You down there. Spread em.) and you do the last leg, sprinting backwards with a bale of hay on your back (SFX) and carrying a shotgun and shooting at ducks as you run (SFX) chased by a crazed dog (SFX), and you run over a barbecue pit (SFX) and you made it! You won! (CHEERING)
GK: You stand up, exhausted-and they wrap the insulated wrap around you. And there's the woman you saw at the starting line. (SS: Wow. You're fantastic. I'm so happy that you won. You ---- my dreamboat. ) And you walk towards her with arms outstretched and you trip on a armadillo (SFX) and you go down hard (SFX) and you're sort of dizzy (SFX), and it's time to give out the awards, and it's live television and they don't want to give the prize to a guy who looks like he might york at any moment, it just wouldn't look good, (FN: GET HIM OUTTA THERE. OUT.) so they send you off to the hospital (SIREN) and give it to the 2nd place guy, Jim Bob Struthers.
FN (SOUTHERN): Well, I came here knowing I could win this because the Lord told me, "Jim Bob, you honored me and now I am goin to honor you," and he was with me and I just want to say, My God is an awesome god!!! Wooo!
GK: And you just regained consciousness in the hospital (VENT) and you look up at the TV from your hospital bed and there's the beautiful woman and she throws her arms around Jim Bob and gives him a big smooch on the lips-----
TR: No no no no-NO NO NO NO NOOOO!
GK: And a nurse comes in.
FN (LADY): Oh, you're awake, Mr. Philips-----
TR: My name isn't Philips. It's Quigley.
FN (LADY): Oh. So you didn't come in for the vasectomy? Oh dear.
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and rhubarb pie filling.
(RHUBARB THEME)
CARPERS (SING):
Rhubarb - for the scientist, pastor or poet-
It's the secret of the good life
As we know it.