GK: It's fall, the season when wildlife tries to come and live with us. Mice (SFX) of course and rats (SFX) and stray cats (SFX), frogs (SFX) and bats (SFX) and even bigger animals like raccoons (SFX) and now and then a wolf (SNUFFLING) wearing sheep skin and trying to baa (SFX) but of course you can tell- That's a rather poor imitation of a sheep sir-
FN (WOLF): I have a speech impediment.
GK: You're a wolf---- Come on. I'm not stupid.
FN (WOLF): I'm part sheep. On my mother's side.
GK: You're a wolf. Admit it.
FN (WOLF): I went to a sheep immersion school.
GK: Don't lie. Why are you pretending to be a sheep?
FN (WOLF): Because I know you're a Christian and Christianity is a sheep-centric religion with a big anti-wolf bias. "The Lord is my shepherd"- pretty clear, no?
GK: Okay, but "All we like sheep have gone astray"- we compare ourselves to sheep because they aren't that smart-
FN (WOLF): Anyway I thought you might take in a lost sheep but probably you wouldn't take in a lost wolf-
GK: You're right
FN (WOLF): That's species bias. You oughta be ashamed.
GK: I'm not. Beat it.
FN (WOLF): Nobody's in your guest room- What's wrong with me staying there? I'll protect your family. I'm better than a guard dog.
GK: You're a wolf. You'll be hibernating.
FN (WOLF): I'll drink coffee.
GK: Sorry.
FN (WOLF): Okay, but if you send me away you'll never know the secret of happiness. I have it. But in this story I can I can only tell you if you let me come in.
GK: "This story"-What story are you talking about?
FN (WOLF): You and I are in a fairy tale right now- and if you show kindness to the wolf, then a beggar will come to your door and give you the secret of happiness.
GK: Are you kidding me?
FN (WOLF): Only one way to find out.
GK: What do I have to do?
FN (WOLF): Give me something to eat.
GK: Okay. How about some dogfood?
FN (WOLF): You wouldn't happen to have a tuna steak, would you? A little rare in the middle?
GK: What else?
FN (WOLF): How about a green salad?
GK: Okay.
FN (WOLF): And a red wine? Like a Pinot Noir?
GK: Okay. There. (GLASSWARE, POURING)
FN (WOLF): A creme brulee would be nice.
GK: Okay. There. Bon appetit. Where's the beggar?
FN (WOLF): (EATING) Be here in a minute.
GK: You better not be kidding me.
FN (WOLF): He's on his way.
GK: I hope so. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPEN) Hello?
TR (BEGGAR): Somebody here ask for a beggar?
GK: You have the secret of happiness.
TR (BEGGAR): Yes. Certainly. Happiness. Uh---- it's in your own heart, all you have to do is find it.
GK: That's it???
TR (BEGGAR): You don't like that one? How about this? "Carry your burdens with a smile." No? Okay-- "Gratitude gratitude gratitude." How's that?
GK: Get out of here. Beat it. Go on. Scram. Vamoose. Outta here. (WOLF HOWL, OFF. BEGGAR PROTESTING) (DOOR SLAM) Fall is the time when animals try to get in. Defend your home. Nothing works like male urine. Every night, after the others have gone to bed, time to go outside and do your duty. (NIGHT SOUNDS)
FN (OFF): Hey, how you doing?
GK: Doing fine. Hi, Charlie.
TR: Hey. How you, Bob?
FN: Doing okay.
GK: Feels colder.
TR: Yeah. Winter's coming on.
FN: You seen any wolves around?
GK: I haven't. How about you?
FN: Nope.
TR: Neither have I.
GK: Well, goodnight.
FN: Night. Night, Charlie.
TR: Night, Bob. (THREE DOOR CLOSURES) (BAND PLAYOFF)