GK: September and it's Emily's freshman year at college-
TR (WEEPY): Goodbye, Darling. Good luck.
SS (PUNK): Yeah. Right. You too. Hey. Peace Out.
GK: Emily is your youngest child. She's the problem kid.
SS (PUNK, BEHIND DOOR): Leave me alone! It's my life! (BLEEP) off!!!
GK: Her teachers had no idea what to do with her.
FN (WOMAN, CONCERNED): Emily has an impulse control problem. She tends to leap at people and bite them on the neck. I wonder if we don't need to talk about some kind of medication. Something like chloroform.
GK: Nonetheless she got accepted by the College of St. Marjory under their diversity program.
SS (FLEXNER): We don't want a student body made up of 100% over-achievers ---- we want to have some real messed up kids as well.
GK: So you dropped her off.
TR: Bye, honey. Good luck. We love you.
SS (PUNK): Yeah. Right. (DOOR CLOSED)
GK: And that door closed and that was it! You were free! (TR WHOOPS) So you raced home and you emptied her room of trash (SFX)---and then a steam-cleaning service (SFX) and they used a high-pressure hose to get the grease off the walls (SFX) and they had to jackhammer the dried gum wads off the floor (SFX) and then fumigation (SFX), and the floor was sanded (SFX) and the walls painted light gray (SFX), and you bought a cat to take Emily's place (SFX), and the cat adores you (SFX) and you put your piano in Emily's room and you sit and play Chopin etudes for your cat (PIANO, CAT). After the years of punishment at the hands of a teenager, you live a civilized life. You pour yourself a glass of white wine (SFX), and you relax with Chopin (SFX) and life is exactly as it should be. Until---- (FOOTSTEPS).
SS (PUNK): Hi. It's me.
TR: Emily!!! What's wrong?
SS (PUNK): I graduated with a B.A.
TR: Already????
SS (PUNK): They put me in an accelerated program.
TR: Oh.
SS (PUNK): Why'd you do this to my room? I hate it.
TR: Sorry.
SS (PUNK): I'm moving back. I'd like you to meet Spencer.
FN (PUNK): Hey.
SS (PUNK): Crystal.....Nick......Misty.....Desiree.
CHIC GAMINE: SERIES OF GUTTURAL RESPONSES....YEAH.....RIGHT....HERE.....HEY.....
SS (PUNK): We started a band. It's called Demented Avocadoes.
TR: And you're all going to live here????
SS (PUNK): You got a problem with that?
(GUITAR CHORD)
CHIC (CHANTS):
LEAVE ME ALONE. GET OFF MY CASE.
GIVE ME A BREAK. GET OUTTA MY FACE.
STEP ASIDE. OUT OF MY WAY.
I AM WHO I AM AND I'M HERE TO STAY.
(SHOUTED) DEAL WITH IT! JUST DEAL WITH IT!
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie filling.
ALL: R-H-U B-A-R-B
Good for you and your family.
Just one slice of rhubarb pie
Makes you happy, my oh my.
FN: Rhubarb pie, what a sensation,
Eliminates the taste of humiliation.
SS: When life just makes you want to cry,
Bottoms up, here's mud in your eye.
ALL:
Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.