(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Borax Bath Salts in a Box.......if you feel listless and indifferent, the cause may be body fungus on your back, the part you can't reach when you shower. Just lie in a tub in two inches of Borax Bath Salts ---- it kills fungus. And now....THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....(FAIR SOUNDS----- ROLLER COASTER----- BARKER ------ TILT A WHIRL)
GK: Good to be at the State Fair, Dusty. Get in off the lonesome trail and enjoy some company.
TR: I'm going off to the hoochie-coochie show ----- what you up to?
GK: Just writing a song. (STRUM)
(SINGS, COLORADO TRAIL)
Oh she was a pretty girl
Young, blue-eyed and blonde
Met her on the Tilt-a-Whirl
Then quickly she was gone.
Walk around the cattle barn
Do not see her there
Wish I had her in my arms
At the Minnesota Fair.
TR: Who's that about?
GK: Woman I saw yesterday.
TR: On the Tilt-A-Whirl?
GK: No, I saw her on the Giant Slide.
TR: Why'd you say Tilt-A-Whirl?
GK: It rhymes with Girl. Giant Slide rhymes with lied and died and formaldehyde.
TR: Also with Wide Ride. Which would be applicable in your case. (HAWKS AND SPITS) But never mind.
GK: She smelled of lilacs.
TR: And she was blonde?
GK: Brunette.
TR: Rhymes with forget.
GK: Can't forget her.
TR: Well, you better forget her cause I'm sure she's forgotten you and you'll have to fall in love with a new one who'll be bald which rhymes with Enthralled. (HAWKS AND SPITS)
GK: She's a singer like me. And I believe she's entering the yodeling contest. Which starts right here in about five minutes. Thinking about entering it myself. (HE STRUMS AND YODELS)
FN: You call that a yodel, mister? Sounds more like a man in gastric distress.
GK: Who're you? You in the yodeling contest?
FN: Nope. I'm her manager. Madame Roseau. French champion yodeler. Won every trophy for yodeling there is in Europe. She's a shoo-in.
SS (SINGS, PIAF, VIBRATO):
Quand il me prend dans ses bras
ll me parle tout bas
Je vois la vie en rose
ll me dit des mots d'amour
Des mots de tous les jours
Et ca m'a fait quelque chose
(DELICATE FRENCH YODEL)
FN: Okay, that's enough. Don't give it away. See you onstage for the contest, Big Boy. Good luck. (HE LAUGHS CRUELLY)
TK (P.A.) : And now ---- contestant number four in our yodeling contest ----- Geraldine and Jezebel Titanium.
JS & JS: Thank you very much. (SHE SINGS)
Well I can raise fourteen head of sheep and show em at the Fair and win first prize
You know I can make championship jam and jelly and bake the best cakes and pies
I can ride a Tilt-a-Whirl and Ferris Wheel and Roller Coaster and every other ride
And eat a dozen minidoughnuts and cheese curds and corn dogs and keep it all inside
And I can yodel...
Y-O-D-E-L
And do it really well.
I can yodel
Y-O-D-E-L
(THEY YODEL)
TK: Thank you, thank you. And now contestant number five----- Sandra Wittcome.
GK: Hey Dusty---- look----- it's her----- up onstage. That's her. The girl I saw on the Slide.
TR: The one you're in love with, huh?
GK: Be still, my beating heart.
SW (STRUMS, SINGS):
I want to be a farmer's sweetheart.
I want to work hard and be poor
I want to feed the pigs and chickens
And learn how to spread manure.
I want to marry a Norwegian
Who is very solitary
I want to be a farmer's sweetheart,
Out on the northern prairie.
I want to be a farmer's sweetheart
I want to plant my corn and beans
And marry a good Lutheran
And learn what contentment means.
He'll be loyal and hard-working
And his commitment will be total,
But once a year I will leave him here
And go to town and yodel.
YODELADIADI I O
TK: Thank you, thank you. And now---- contestant number six----- (FADES INTO BRIDGE)
GK: Miss Wittcome?
SW: Yes?
GK: Just wanted to congratulate you on a fine job of yodeling. That was terrific.
SW: Why, thank you, sir.
GK: You can call me Lefty. It seems to me that the song you sang is actually "I Want To Be A Cowboy's Sweetheart, I want to learn to rope and ride here on the Great Divide" rather than "I Want To Be A Farmer's Sweetheart" ----- no?
SW: "I Want To Be A Cowboy's Sweetheart"???? Really?
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SW: That seems sort of laughable to me. A cowboy's sweetheart??? Why would I want to be a cowboy's sweetheart?
TR: (SWEDISH)
GK: He a friend of yours?
SW: This is Svend. My fiancee.
GK: Him?
TR (SWEDISH)
SW: He's a farmer. Corn and soybeans. Up near Moorhead.
TK (OFF): And the winner of the yodeling contest---- winner of the all-expenses paid trip for two to Paris ----- from Moorhead, Minnesota----- Sandra Wittcome.
SW: (WHOOPS AND YELLS) YES! YES! YES!
TR (SWEDISH PLEASURE)
SW: We did it, Svend. We'll sell the farm and move to Paris. You and me. Wheeeeeeeeee.
GK: You're going to Paris with him?
SW: He also speaks French. (TR FRENCH WITH SWEDISH ACCENT) (BRIDGE)
GK (SINGS, COLORADO TRAIL)
Oh there are some pretty girls
Walking round the Fair
It can set your heart awhirl
Their eyes, their lips, their hair
There is passionate romance
From here to the Midway
All around the hot dog stands
On a summer day.
TR: Who you singing about now?
GK: Don't know yet. Hope to find out.
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS was brought to you by Borax Bath Salts in a Box. It kills fungus.