GK: There are people from Minnesota in our audience in Arizona and here's a sound to make them all feel more at home. (BLIZZARD, WOLF) A storm sweeps down from Canada, paralyzing the north.
TR (RADIO NEWS): Panic broke out in Minneapolis today as thousands abandoned their cars on snowy freeways and ran across open fields toward the airport. Downtown, a helicopter took off from the IDS Tower (CHOPPER) with sixteen people hanging onto the landing skids. (SFX) And it's only going to get worse.
GK: That's what you wanted to hear. Things falling apart back home as you lie basking in the golden sun outside your condo, sipping a fruity drink. Here, listen to this---- (TIRES SPINNING) A car stuck in a rut on an icy street in Cannon Falls. (MAN MUTTERING, CURSING, SCRAPE OF SHOVEL) The driver trying to dig himself out. (SCRAPING, DIFFERENT PITCH) And trying to scrape ice off his windshield using a credit card. (CHUFFING, AND HOWL) A predator approaches. A wolf, emboldened by hunger and also by the fact that the man has an Obama/Biden bumper sticker and therefore can be assumed to be unarmed.
(WOLF APPROACHES)
TR: No. Please. I've got a whole package of tofu in the front seat. Unopened. How about it? (WOLF CHUCKLING) I'm a member of the Sierra Club! I'm on YOUR side. (WOLF CHUCKLES)
GK: Meanwhile you're lounging by the pool (ICE IN GLASS) and your wife does a perfect backward one-and-a-half gainer off the diving board in her new strapless push-up bikini. (SFX). She's your new wife, your young Arizona wife.
SS (SEXY): Hey babes, put some oil on my back, okay? Oooooooo. That feels good.
GK: You divorced your old Minnesota wife and left her behind.
SS (MINN): WHAT'S THE MATTER WITCHA, GET OUT AND SHOVEL THE DANG DRIVEWAY, OR ELSE, YA BIG DING DONG. WHADDAYA SITTING THERE LIKE A LUMP ON A LOG FOR WHEN THERE'S STUFF TO BE DONE-
GK: So you drove to the airport and flew to Arizona (SFX) and you got a divorce from a vending machine
FN (ROBOT): You are now divorced.
GK: and you met Sierra on YouLikeMe.com and you clicked-----
SS (SEXY): Wow. So you remember the Reagan Administration? That is so cool. I was born when Bush was president. So, did you ever, like, meet Reagan in person? Was he tall?
GK: Your Minnesota wife was one of those pesky northern liberal feminist people, what a pain she was-----
SS (MINN): YOU WANT THE BASEMENT CLEAN FROM NOW ON YOU GET A SPONGE MOP AND SCRUB THE FLOOR YOUR OWN DAMN SELF, AND DON'T EXPECT ME TO FIX YOU DINNER EITHER ----- THIS IS NOT A RESTAURANT, OKAY----- LOOK AT ME-----AM I WEARING A BADGE THAT SAYS, "WAITRESS"? HUH?
GK: And now you're with Sierra and life is so good. Warm winter days and the clear blue pool and a beautiful woman who adores you.....
SS (SEXY): Here. I brought you a glass of white wine, darling. (SHE YAWNS) Oh I am so sleepy. I think I might take a nap. Would you like to take a nap with me? That would be so wonderful. Why don't I go and get the bed all nice and comfy for you.
GK: It's a good life, no doubt about it. Relaxing poolside under the palm tree, a palm tree ---- or is that a palm tree? Or is that a coconut tree? (COCONUT FALL, KONK. FN MOAN, SIREN) (BRIDGE)
TR: We're sorry, ma'am. We got him to the E.R. and they did everything they could do but it was too late.
SS (SEXY, SNIFFLING): My honey pie. Gone. But he was in love. And he was sixty plus years old, so he had a good long life. (BRIDGE)
GK: Your body is taken to the mortuary and Sierra isn't sure what to do but in the end she decides not to have a memorial service because it's just not her to dwell in negativity, she's about moving on, and she's found Sean....
FN: Wow. Nice pool. Ah. A coconut tree, I see. Whose golf clubs are these?
SS (SEXY): Those were Bob's.
FN: Oh. Kinda old.
SS (SEXY): Yeah. Let's go take a nap.
GK: So your body is shipped north (TRAIN WHISTLE), north to Minnesota, and even though its January, they dig a grave (JACKHAMMER) and they carry you out there on a dogsled (SFX) and (BLIZZARD) it's forty below zero and only your ex-wife and her minister are there.
TR (TEETH CHATTERING): The L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-Lord is my S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-Shepherd----- I s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-shall not w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-want.....
SS (MINN): FINISH IT UP. I'M FREEZIN MY BUTT OFF.
TR (CHATTERING): He m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-maketh me to l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-lie d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-own.
SS: WIND IT UP, PADRE. DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER.
TR (SHIVERING): D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Dwell in the h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.
SS: HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER. AMEN.
TR (SHIVERING): Amen.
SS: Okay. PUT HIM DOWN, AL. (WINCH, AND SLAM OF LID) Let's go get us a hot toddy.
GK: Only one person in Arizona remembers you, the waitress at the IHOP.....
FN (LADY): Yeah, I think he was the one who always sat in the corner booth and he always ordered the short stack with scrambled and bacon and he always sat there and hummed to himself. Nice man. Used lots of syrup.
GK: The people who really remember you are the ones back in Minnesota. You know that.
SS (MINN): I TOLD HIM, YOU MOVE DOWN THERE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA LAST THREE YEARS. FOUR TOPS. DID HE LISTEN TO ME? NO , HE DID NOT. WENT DOWN THERE, MARRIED THAT WOMAN, TWO YEARS LATER.....BAM.....COCONUT HIT HIM ON THE HEAD. WHAT CAN YOU SAY? I TOLD YOU SO. WHAT A NUT.
GK: And you know, your body will be preserved much longer in frozen ground than in the desert. So centuries from now, thousands of years from now, when alien peoples come and excavate (FN ALIEN INTEREST) they will find you, so life-like, in the shirt with cactuses and the mariachi pants that Sienna dressed you in, and (FN ALIEN EXCITEMENT) those peoples will come up with a theory that Hispanic culture extended far far north. (FN ALIEN TALK) And you will be the center of attention. Won't that be nice? You'll be famous. They'll all be talking about you. (FN, SS, TR ALIEN JABBER)