(THEME)
GK: Dead Men Keep No Promises...... brought to you by NorComm and the NorComm Family of Companies. Your Satisfaction is our Reward.
(MUSIC UNDER)
SS: Rent is so high in Manhattan and when we moved here from Omaha, we were so shocked that we rented a house on Staten Island. But Staten Island was too much like Omaha. We didn't move to New York so we could have a yard and a garage. And then we went to Omaha for Thanksgiving-
TR: After dinner somebody's grandson had to play the piano for us (FALTERING PIANO). And Aunt Barbara got out a carousel of slides from her trip to Thailand.
SS (WARBLY): Here I am in the Temple, (SLIDE) and here I am on the beach eating a mango (SLIDE) here's the guy who sells the mangos on the beach (SLIDE).
TR: And I lay awake all night on the rollaway listening to Uncle Henry's sleep apnea machine (SFX) and dozed off and woke up with cats walking on my face-----Get off! (CAT DISMAY) (BRIDGE)
SS: Thanksgiving made us more determined to find an affordable place in Manhattan. And the next day we did.
TR: A three-bedroom apartment on the 6th floor of a condo complex in Tribeca.
SS: It was vacant.
TR: The owner had died of a heart attack.
SS: We made sure it stayed vacant by posting a big yellow sign, "Keep Out. Quarantined for Rabies. If You See A Rat, Report to Dept of Health. Thank you for your cooperation."
TR: And that night we moved in.
SS: It was beautiful. And it was free.
TR: Only problem was --- the owner who had died of a heart attack came back to visit the apartment.
FN: What are you doing here? Get out of here or I'll call the cops.
SS: Harvey Schiller?
FN: Yes?
SS: You're dead. You died of a heart attack.
FN: Huh. No wonder I felt so tired. I was going to call my internist. Guess I should've called a pathologist.
TR: Anyway, you're dead. It's right here in the paper. See. Your obituary. "Schiller, Harvey, 83. Accountant.
FN: Lemme see that......hmmm hmmmm hmmmm---- What a bunch of nothing. I'm dead for a week and already I'm forgotten. Look at this obituary ----- Nothin. ------ Look---- "Survived by his loving children, Harvey Jr., Ida, Josephine....." Loving children, my aunt Fanny. What about my girlfriend Lola? I had a 32-year-old girlfriend. Who adored me.
TR: Sorry, pal. I'm sure it's hard to get used to being dead. But let me ask you straight out----- how long you planning to stick around here?
FN: I'm gonna find out who wrote that obituary. I'm gonna kill him and write his obituary.
SS: Mr. Schiller, with all due respect, what difference does it make? Go to your reward. Heaven awaits you.
(KEY IN DOOR, DOOR OPEN, THREE FOOTSTEPS)
ER: Harvey? Harvey? ---- (GASP) Who're you? What're you doing here?
TR: Lola?
ER: Yes?
TR: Lola, we have bad news.
ER: What?
SS: Harvey's gone, Lola.
ER: Gone where?
SS: He passed, Lola. He went over to the other side.
ER: Over to New Jersey?
TR: He has gone to his reward, Lola.
(PAUSE)
ER: You mean he croaked?
(PAUSE)
TR: Yes, Lola, he croaked.
ER: Oh boy. I told him a hundred times. Write the will. Write the will. Put it in writing. Sign it. But did he? No way. What'd he die of?
SS: Heart attack. It was sudden.
ER: Wish I'd been around, I would've made it even more sudden. What a selfish jerk he was. Mind if I get my stuff out of the closet?
TR: Go right ahead. Take your time. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) (FREEZE TWO BEATS)
FN: Boy. That hurts. Whatever happened to "Speak no ill of the dead"? I had no idea she felt that way.
TR: Don't worry about it. Go to heaven and make the best of it.
FN: So you two are gonna move in here?
TR: For awhile.
FN: Well----- I'll be on my way then. Help yourself to the wine-
SS: Thanks.
FN: See you.....eventually.
TR: Watch yourself outside.
SS: It's slippery. Wouldn't want you to fall and hit your head.
FN: I'm already dead. What's the problem?
SS: Oh right.
(FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
TR: He's gone.
SS: You sure?
TR: Of course.
(FOOTSTEPS)
ER: Okay. I got my stuff. You wouldn't happen to have a hundred bucks you could lend me, do you?
TR: Sure, kid. (HE COUNTS OFF FIVE TWENTIES.) There. Have a nice day.
ER: He promised me I'd inherit everything. What a cheat.
SS: Dead men keep no promises, Lola.
ER: Guess not. (BRIDGE)
TR: We loved that apartment. So what did Harvey do? He somehow notified the cops and we were thrown into prison for first-degree larceny. He told us we could stay there and then the moment our back was turned......wham.
(THEME)
GK: DEAD MEN KEEP NO PROMISES......was brought to you by the NorComm Family of Companies. Your satisfaction is our reward.