(THEME)
TR: ADVENTURES IN PARENTING......brought to you by the Federated Organization of Associations. F.A.O. ----bringing people together.
(FADE UNDER)
GK: Hello.
JL: Hello.
GK: I'm Carson Wyler. I'm Miranda's dad.
JL: Oh. Right. I'm Miranda's teacher, Arthur Bennington.
GK: Great to meet you. Miranda's said a lot about you.
JL: Oh really----
GK: Yes. And I'm sorry, my wife couldn't make it, she's at a fundraiser. She felt bad but---- had to be there.
JL: Oh. Of course. Okay.
GK: Let me just say before we get started that Miranda loves school. She wears her Grover Mills Middle School t-shirt to bed every night. Looks forward to school every morning. She says, "Dad, could we leave early for school?" She adores school.
JL: Miranda does?
GK: Yes, my daughter Miranda.
JL: Well---- okay. She is a wonderful student. Reading comprehension ---- she's way up there. Math skills ---- she's a real leader there. Writing skills are really really excellent. Spelling, grammar, both terrific. She's very cooperative, always ready to help other students work out the problems.
GK: So----- sounds good. Anything else?
JL: Mr. Wyler ----- I am the third teacher Miranda's had. I'm not sure you were aware of that. There were two before me. And it's only October.
GK: Yes. And?
JL: The other two were found in Miranda's desk.
GK: In her desk? Really?
JL: They were three and a half inches tall.
GK: The teachers----
JL: They each testified that Miranda had sprayed them with a sparkling liquid that shrank them to the size of pea pods.
GK: My daughter??
JL: That's what they said.
GK: The shrunken teachers?
JL: Yes---- look (LID OPEN) ---- this is Mr. Schaum. He came in late August.
TR (TINY HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
GK: What did he just say?
JL: He said, "Miranda did this."
GK: My Miranda?? But she loves school.
TR (TINY ANGRY HIGH VOICE)
GK: Did he just say something about lawyers?
JL: He did. Yes.
GK: And there's a woman in there too. Hi there---
TK (TINY WOMAN)
JL: Miss Halvorson. She succeeded Mr. Schaum.
GK: Well, at least he won't be lonely in there. Heh heh heh.
TK (TINY WOMAN)
JL: She resents the implication.
GK: Sorry. Well, I guess this must make you rather nervous, Mr. Bennington.
JL: It does. Of course it does. I'm close to retirement. My wife and I are planning to move to Vermont and open a summer theater. I'm an amateur actor. I can't imagine many roles for a three-inch-tall man. Tinker Bell and that's about it.
(FOOTSTEPS ENTER)
SS (GIRL): Dad?
GK: I'm talking to your teacher, darling. Can you wait out in the hall?
SS (GIRL): I'd rather wait in here. I'm curious what he's saying about me.
JL: I'm saying that you're doing very well in all your subjects and you're a wonderful wonderful little girl to have in the classroom, Miranda.
SS (GIRL): Who are you calling little?
JL: I'm just saying that we like you.
SS (GIRL): I like you too but I miss Mr. Schaum and Miss Halvorson. They were really really good teachers.
GK: You liked them, darling?
SS (GIRL): I liked them a lot.
GK: Well, maybe we can find a way to bring them back.
SS (GIRL): I don't think so, Daddy. I think they're pretty much gone.
JL: Wouldn't you like to have them back, Miranda? I know their families would like them back.
SS (GIRL): Why ask me, Mr. Bennington?
JL: Well-----
GK: What is that you have in your hand, Miranda?
SS (GIRL): This? This bottle of sparkle juice?
GK: Where did you get that?
SS (GIRL): Someone gave it to me at the airport and asked me to carry it aboard a plane, Daddy. But I wasn't getting aboard a plane. I was getting off a plane. With you and Mom.
JL: I think I should call security right now....(CREAK OF CHAIR, THREE STEPS....)
TR (ARABIC); I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr. Bennington.
GK: Who is he?
SS (GIRL): He's my handler, Daddy.
GK: Your handler?
JL: Listen. I'm only a substitute teacher. I'm up for retirement in a few months. I don't want to be part of any of this.
TR (ARABIC): You are part of it now, Mr. Bennington. Oh, indeed you are.
GK: You're a terrorist, aren't you-----
TR (ARABIC): America is a very big country and now it is about to become a very very small country. Two hundred-fifty million mices running around.
SS (GIRL): He promised me that I'm going to be President of the United States, Daddy. Aren't you proud?
GK: Where did you meet him, Miranda?
SS (GIRL): Online. In a chat room.
GK: Oh no! I knew I should've shut that down.
TR (ARABIC): Too late, infidel!
JL: Please----- let me go----- I will tell nobody----- I just want to walk out that door----- okay? Please. (SLOW FOOTSTEPS) I'm just walking to the door and when I get there I'll turn left and go directly to the parking lot and I will speak to no one----- no one------ (BIG SPLORT & SPLASH. JL CRY OF HORROR. SHRINKING SFX)
GK: He's gone. Mr. Bennington-----
JL (HIGH SMALL VOICE)
GK: Miranda?
SS (GIRL): Yes, Daddy.
GK: Congratulations on your presidency. I can't wait to see you inaugurated. What are you going to do, as president?
SS (GIRL): I'm going to cut taxes to nothing and I'm going to make the government very very small. Except for me. I'll still be big.
GK: And how about me, Miranda? I'll be big too, right?
SS (GIRL): You'll be big enough, Daddy.
GK: Same as now?
SS (GIRL): I'll think about it. I'll let you know.
(THEME)
TR: ADVENTURES IN PARENTING......brought to you by the Federated Organization of Associations. F.A.O. ----bringing people together.