(PHONE RINGS FOUR TIMES, THEN PICKUP)
GK: Hello?
SS (MOM): Duane? Honey? It's your mother. Are you busy? You are, aren't you.
GK: It's fine, mom. What's going on?
SS: You're busy. I hear that tone in your voice. You wish I'd go away and never come back.
GK: Mom, please. What is it.
SS: I only called to see how you are. And now I can see how you are----- too busy to talk to your mother, the one who gave you life.
GK: How are you, Mom?
SS: I am in ruins, honey. I ought to be locked up in the loony bin.
GK: What's wrong?
SS: Oh, you don't have time to listen to my troubles.
GK: I'm here. I'm listening.
SS: Whatever. It doesn't matter. I don't need your sympathy. I'll write you a note and put it in a bottle and throw it in the Mississippi River. If you get it, you get it. If not, whatever.
GK: What's wrong? Something with Dad?
SS: Honey, that is a subject that could take hours -----
GK: Well, what is it?
(A BEAT, SS SNIFFLES)
SS: It's my hair.
GK: What about your hair?
SS: I went to the salon and my regular colorist wasn't there and I specifically asked for titian and she colored my hair this lurid neon red ----- I look like a walking massage parlor.
GK: Well go back in and tell them you don't like it, and they can fix it.
SS: Oh I don't want to bother them.
GK: Mom, this is what they do. It's no big deal.
SS: Anyway---- you're in a hurry. How're you and Solveig coming along?
GK: We're friends, Mom. We're fine.
SS: Friends.
GK: Right.
(A BEAT)
SS: "Friends" covers a lot of territory. You could be friends with the mailman.
GK: I know that.
LM (OFF): Who you talking to?
(A BEAT)
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Hello? Duane? Who is that?
GK: It's Kendra, Mom.
SS: Kendra??? Who is she? Another friend?
LM (OFF): I'm sorry. I didn't know you were on the phone. I was in the shower. Are you okay?
GK (OFF): It's my mother.
LM (OFF): Uh oh.
GK (OFF): Shhh.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Uh oh? Did I just hear her say 'uh oh,' Duane? Who is she, Duane? I want to know right now.
GK: Mom, I have to go.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Oh really! Really! Because Kendra told you to? This girl just owns the universe, doesn't she? Let me talk to her.
GK: Can I call you back later?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I want to know who she thinks she is. "Uh oh." I'll give her uh oh. Let me talk to her.
GK: She's my trainer, Mom. I'm training for a 5K run.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): What?!?!
GK: We ran this morning and she's using the shower because her apartment is on the other side of town and she has to get to work.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Let----me----talk----to----her.
GK: Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Now Duane. Now.
(A BEAT, GK SIGH)
GK (OFF): My mother wants to talk with you.
(PAUSE)
LM: Hello?
(PAUSE)
SS (VERY SWEETLY): Kendra!!! It's so good to meet you at last. How are you, darling?
LM: I'm okay. Thanks.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane has told me so much about you. I can't tell you how happy I am to get the chance to know you better------ can we talk?
LM: Sure.
SS: Let me just say this about Duane ---- I think you and I both know that maturity comes later for men - anyway how was your shower, darling?
LM: Fine.
(A BEAT)
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You young people are so much freer than we were back in the day----- taking a shower in the home of a single man ----- that's so wonderful------ back when I was young, back in the Dark Ages, it would've ruined a girl's reputation to do that. You'd be burned at the stake, but never mind. Good for you.
LM: Well, Duane is not my boyfriend. He's my client.
SS (MIDWESTERN: Your client. Oh! So there isn't any----
LM: No.
SS: You don't feel that maybe there might be any----
LM: Not at all.
(A BEAT)
SS: So what, if I may ask, seems to be the problem there? I mean, there you are, in close proximity, perspiring heavily- ----
LM: I'm gay.
(A BEAT)
SS: You are----
LM: Yes.
SS: You're sure.
LM: Quite sure.
SS: Have you ever----thought about-----
LM: No, I haven't.
SS: Never.
LM: Right.
SS: And you don't think that----maybe-----
LM: No.
SS: Not even a little----hanky panky?
LM: No.
(A BEAT)
SS: Well that's great. Good to know what you want, I say. And I support you people getting married. I think it's time we passed the suffering around.
LM: Thanks.
SS (MIDWESTERN: Okay. ---- could I talk to Duane?
LM: Sure. (OFF) Here. For you.
GK: Hi, Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): So she sounds very nice.
GK: She is. I hope you didn't ask her a lot of personal questions.
SS: No, no. We talked about American policy in the Arab world. Here---- talk to your father for a minute. I feel dizzy. I have to sit down. Hank!!! Come get the phone! (TR GRUMBLES) Just take it. I have to take a pill.
(MUMBLES)
TR: Hello.
GK: Hi Dad.
TR: How's it going over there then?
GK: Not bad. How's it with you?
TR: About the same.
GK: Well, that's good. What's the pill that Mom is taking?
TR: It's a mood leveler.
GK: Aha. Does it work?
TR: I donno. You tell me.
GK: I don't notice much different.
TR: Yeah me either. Okay then. Good talking with you. Bye. (OFF) Here you talk to him.
SS: Duane are you there?
GK: Right here, Mom.
SS: So is she still there? This girl in the shower? Your friend?
GK: Kendra? She left.
SS: I think you might consider another trainer, honey. One who likes men. A woman, that is.
GK: Mom, I am not going to hire a trainer so she will date me.
SS: Uh oh. Now you're angry, I can hear it.
GK: Well, think of what you're saying.
SS: All I want is good things for you, Duane. And you think I'm a monster. So why not just drive a wooden stake through my heart.
GK: Mom.
SS: You want to do that, I'll come over and ---- I'll bring the stakes.
GK: Mom.
SS: Just put the sharp point in the middle of my chest and whang on it with a sledgehammer and never mind the screeching and the writhing because that's normal. You'll be doing the world a favor, Duane. I'll just hiss at you and then I'll die. (SOBS)
GK: Mom? ---- Mom?
SS: What?
GK: What's the pill you just took?
SS: A mood leveler.
GK: Look at it.
SS: I swallowed it already.
GK: Look at the bottle.
SS: Why?
GK: Just look at it.
SS: Okay. ---- Oh.----- It's your dad's pill.
GK: What is it?
SS: I guess it's a stimulant.
GK: So Dad has been taking the mood stabilizers?
SS: I guess so.
GK: Mom-----
SS: Don't even say it.
GK: You need a stimulant like a bonfire needs kerosene. And for someone as flat as Dad, a mood leveler could be dangerous. How long has he been taking what you thought were stimulants?
SS: Last few months.
GK: You better switch.
SS: I suppose. But what if he starts running around whooping and yelling?
GK: I don't think they make stimulants that powerful.
SS: I guess you're right.
GK: Anyway.
SS: Exactly. Anyway.
GK: Talk to you later.
SS: Okay. So nice to talk to you honey.
GK: Anytime.
SS: Sure. Right.
GK: Okay mom, see you soon.
SS: Okay honey, love you. You take care.
GK: Love you mom, bye.
(HANGUP)