(PHONE RINGS THREE TIMES, THEN PICKUP)
SS (MOM): Hello, it's me. Thank you so much for calling. Leave a message and remember----- (SHE SINGS) All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is love, Love is all you need. (BEEP)
GK: Hi, Mom, it's Duane. Just calling to check in. Haven't heard from you in a while, so I thought I'd ---- (CLICK)
SS (MOM): Duane???? Hello?
GK: Hello.
SS: Sorry, I was in the biffy and it took me a minute to pull my pants up.
GK: I'll call you back, Mom.
SS: No, no, no, no, no----- I'm so glad you called. I was wondering when you would. Or if you would.
GK: Oh?
SS: It's been awhile. But I suppose you know that.
GK: I guess so. Anyway, how are you?
SS: It's been 37 days, Duane. 37 long days.
GK: It has?
SS: Thirty-seven. Thirty-
GK: Yes, I got it.
SS: Seven.
GK: Okay. Well, you could've picked up a phone and called me.
SS: Not really. We were in the Mediterranean.
GK: What?????
SS: We had a lovely time in Spain and Portugal on a cruise with Janet and Larry and their church group.
GK: You couldn't have told me???
SS: We didn't want to bother you.
GK: Well, that ------
SS: We figured that probably you wouldn't notice and as it turns out, you didn't. Anyway---- I'm glad you called and I know you're going to shoot me when I say this but we met a wonderful young woman on the cruise who I think would be perfect for you.
GK: Mom----
SS: Shoshana. She's a little chunky but a person could run that off her in no time and she's very outgoing ---- and ------ here's the good part ---- she has two lovely children.
GK: Mom----
SS: A ready-made family. All the work done for you. Just move right in.
GK: Right. Anyway, I just called to say hi. I've got to meet some people and go for a run, Mom.
SS: A run??? You??
GK: I'm training for a 5K run.
SS: So you're finally getting into shape. Thank god.
GK: Mom----
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): So is it for a girl that you want the tight body......the hard abdominals......the big bulging pectorals?
GK: I gotta go mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): It's for someone special, isn't it? It's for a girl.
GK: I'll talk to you later mom, okay?
SS: Oh, you'd rather talk to your dad? Here he is. Hank!!! Come get the phone! Your son wants to talk to you. Where are your pants? (MUMBLES) Well you had them on this morning. Oh for cripes sake.
(MUMBLES)
TR: Hello.
GK: Hi Dad.
TR: How's it going then?
GK: Okay. So you went to Spain.
TR: Yeah.
GK: How was that?
(A BEAT)
TR: It was different.
GK: How so?
TR: Oh, you know. Hot. Spanish.
GK: You had a good time?
TR: It wasn't bad.
GK: And Mom had a good time?
TR: Oh yeah.
GK: Oh. Well, Okay, Dad. Sounds good.
TR: Yep... Okay bye. (OFF) Here you talk to him.
SS: Duane are you there?
GK: Right here, Mom.
SS: So this girl you're getting in shape for----- Duane, it's none of my business but have you confirmed that she's a she? You know your father's cousin went home with a woman from a bar once and was, shall we say, greatly surprised.
GK: Oh, for crying out loud, Mom. I am not running a 5K to impress anybody, okay? can we just drop it?
SS: Uh oh. Oh no. Now you're angry, I can hear it.
GK: I just don't know what you want, mom. What is your point?
SS: All I want is good things for you, Duane. Good things. Now you're angry at me and you'll never forgive me. And you'll repay me with bitter vengeance. Well, let's just call it quits, Duane. I'll just get me a one-way ticket on a cruise ship and late one night I'll go out on the deck and I'll put all the shuffleboard discs into a duffel bag and I'll hang it around my neck and--- I'll climb up on the rail-----
GK: Mom---- I'm going to hang up now.
SS: And you won't have to worry about the expense of a funeral. (SHE WEEPS) Buried at sea, where I belong. (WEEPING) Let the sharks feast on me. (SOBBING)
GK: Mom? ---- Mom?
SS: What?
GK: Give me Shoshana's phone number. I'll call her.
SS: Don't do it for me, Duane. Do it for yourself.
GK: I'll call her.
SS: I'll be right over with the number.
GK: You couldn't give it to me over the phone?
SS: I want to be there when you call her. Please, Duane. I promise not to say a word. Except I would suggest that she run this 5K with you honey. I'm just saying.
GK: Okay mom, see you soon.
SS: Okay honey, love you. Be there in a jiffy.
GK: Love you mom, bye.
(HANGUP)