TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: It was one of those peaceful summers when business is slow for a private eye. No heiresses were trying to poison their grandmas so as to collect on the inheritance, no scam artists doing the bait and switch with geezers in parking lots. There were scam artists out there but they were legal, running for office.
(PHONE RING, PICKUP)
SS (SEXY, ON PHONE): (BREATHING) Hi babes. Just called to say I'm thinking about you. A lot. You are just so fabulous, mmmm, the things you do to me. I can't wait to see you tonight. ---- Hello? Are you there?
GK: Yeah.
SS (SEXY): Dean?
GK: Who's Dean?
SS (SEXY): Sorry, wrong number.
GK: Not necessarily. Accidental doesn't mean wrong. Accidental could mean---- (HANGUP, DIAL TONE).
GK: Thanks to Caller ID, I had her number right there. I called back. (PHONE RINGS OTHER END, PICKUP)
SS: Hello?
GK: Hello. It's me. Guy. You called. I'm here.
SS: Oh, I'm so sorry. I was calling someone else.
GK: Dean-----
SS: Yes. (EMOTIONAL) My ex-boyfriend.
GK: Who is he?
SS: Dean Libertine, the star of stage and screen.
GK: I see. Where is he?
SS: I'm trying to find him. My name is Green. Jeannie Green. I'm in Eugene. Originally from Racine but I joined the Marines when I was eighteen and moved to Eugene. I love the cuisine. Beans, greens, and caffeine. I met Dean when I was on a hike near Eugene and he borrowed my canteen. That was on Halloween. We were in a ravine and he drank from the canteen and he spit it out and said the water in Eugene tastes like kerosene and I told him to get lost. Actually I said something obscene. And then I started dating this other guy. Named Bob.
GK: Bob.
SS: I was in love with Dean but I dumped him and dated Bob. Who repairs sewing machines.
GK: I don't think Bob is going to work out for you, Jeannie Green. Not when you're living in Eugene, an ex-Marine.
SS: Could you find Dean, Mr. Noir?
GK: It remains to be seen. (STING)
GK: By sheer coincidence I was planning to fly out to Eugene for that weekend. At the request of the EMU, the Eugene Motorists Union.
TR: Bicyclists have taken over this town, Mr. Noir. They got bike lanes everywhere. They're zipping around, in and out of traffic, and if you're driving a big car and sitting up high, it's hard to see em. You hear a crunch and somebody yells and you got to stop and deal with it and fill out forms and it a real pain in the wazoo. Look----- I'm a job creator, I gotta get to the office so I can cut my way through government regulation, I don't have time to comfort some biker just because she fell down and skinned her knee.We've got to stop these people. They're taking over our town.
GK: I'm sorry, I don't think there's much I can do about it, sir. It doesn't interest me. Sorry.
TR: How about if we paid you?
GK: You're making this harder, you know that.
TR: How about if we paid you a thousand dollars a day?
GK: I think it's outrageous that an outmoded technology like the bicycle gets in the way of progress. (STING) So I headed out to Eugene, Oregon, aboard Alternative Airlines, an airline that is trying to reduce dependence on fossil fuel by flying planes that are made of recycled cardboard.
FN (ON P.A.): This is your pilot, Planet Energy, speaking. As we level off at 1800 feet we are expecting a pretty smooth ride and so I am going to ------ oh wow, oh gosh, man oh man ----- I just took one toke and those clouds just came to life. Man. They are like pulsating and turning different colors. Anybody want to come up to the cockpit and see this? Awesome. (BRIDGE)
GK: When I got to Eugene, I saw naked people riding bikes in the street. (BIKE GOING BY) ---- TR (OLD): Hi there. ---- a guy on a unicycle (SFX) juggling fire (SFX) ---- a couple on a three-wheeler wearing snakes (SS: Hi! (SNAKE) ---- there were naked Wiccans and naked Unitarians (ALL: You can hide it, you can moon it ---- everybody has a unit).
(BIKES PASSING)
TR: It's an outrage, Mr. Noir.
GK: What is it?
TR: It's a naked bike ride, they're trying to draw attention to the vulnerability of the bicyclist in a motorist world.
GK: I can see that.
TR: So we'd like you to organize a naked motorcade.
GK: Uh huh.
TR: We'll get five or six hundred people to sit naked and drive up and down the main drag and make our point --- we're vulnerable too.
GK: When we talked on the phone, you mentioned a thousand dollars a day, sir----- could we start with that? Sir? -----He was staring at a young woman and a man approaching us on bikes and holding hands. They slowed down and stopped.
SS: Hi.
GK: Hi.
SS: We talked on the phone. It's me. Jeannie Green.
GK: Oh hi. Nice to see you.
SS: You're not taking part in the parade?
GK: No, but I see you are. Is this Bob?
SS: No, it's Dean.
FN: Pleased to meet you.
SS: We decided to put aside our differences.
GK: Well, don't put them aside entirely.
SS: We're both bikers and we're both into fitness.
GK: Yes, obviously.
SS: And he was right about my canteen. I'd spilled kerosene in it......
FN: I'm crazy about her.
GK: Apparently so.
SS: Thanks for bringing us back together, Mr. Noir.
GK: Oh, you're welcome. Anytime.
(BIKES PASSING)
GK: The job creator had disappeared. I stood and watched the parade. Cars drove by slowly. It's like someone said ---- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. And yet it's good to keep on trying.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answer to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)