(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was June and I was in Shreveport, Louisiana. A city that when you tell people you're going there, they try to think of something interesting to say and they can't come up with anything. It's a city of mystery. Nobody's ever been there except people who live there. Anyway, it all started when I got an unusual phone call on Sunday.
TR (QUEEN): Mr. Noir. This is Queen Elizabeth calling from Buckingham Palace in London.
GK: Ordinarily I wouldn't believe you, ma'am, but I have caller I.D. and there it is, right there.
TR (QUEEN): I need you, Mr. Noir. (STING)
GK: So I went to London to see the Queen aboard a private supersonic jet (SFX), very luxurious.
SS (BRIT): A drink for you, sir? We're pouring a 1988 Chateaux de Rothschild or a 1995 Pinot Grigio. Or a 1952 Scotch-----
GK: Just a glass of water for me.
SS (BRIT): Spring water or glacial melt?
GK: Spring.
SS (BRIT): Swiss Alps or Scottish moors?
GK: Alps.
SS (BRIT): Above 10,000 feet or below?
GK: Above.
SS (BRIT): And the ice? Greenland or Norway?
GK: Norway.
SS (BRIT): Excellent. (BRIDGE)
GK: The plane landed at Heathrow and I was whisked off to the castle (SIREN) in a police convoy and through the gates (MILITARY COMMANDS, RESPONSE) and two men in kilts and shoes with tassels (MARCHING FEET) ushered me into the palace and down a grand hallway (FOOTSTEPS) and through the royal stables (WHINNYING) and the cooks' quarters (CHICKEN SFX) and through a secret garden (BIRDS) and into a little pavilion where the queen sat in a wicker rocking chair, waiting. I bowed ---- Your Majesty-----.
TR (QUEEN): Welcome Mr. Noir. As you may know, we have just had our Diamond Jubilee. And we partied hard. We slammed back 14 shots of tequila and we danced-----
GK: Who's the we? More than four? A dozen?
TR (QUEEN): We---- is me. The royal we. And there was a keg of beer and we lay down and we chugged it and when we woke up this morning our dress was gone and we had a tattoo of a snake around our left ankle.
GK: Sounds like quite the party.
TR (QUEEN): Well it was. And now I believe there are photographs. (STING)
GK: Uh oh.
TR (QUEEN): Rupert Murdoch was there. (STING)
GK: Rupert Murdoch, the phone hacker.
TR (QUEEN): He had an iPhone. My security men discovered that he emailed the pictures to a telephone in America.
GK: I see.
TR (QUEEN): Is there a city there by the name of.....Shreveport?? (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: So that's how I came to be in Shreveport, aboard a riverboat casino called The Diamond Stud (STEAMBOAT WHISTLE) ---- (MANLY LAUGHTER, OFF. SHUFFLING OF CARDS. ROULETTE WHEEL SPIN). The Baptists of Shreveport don't like gambling because it's immoral. On the other hand, the city needs the dough. So they make one of those fine compromises that Christian people are famous for. They put the gambling on a boat. A boat on the river with an engine and a crew. It doesn't go anywhere but it could. If some innocent person came down the walk to get on the boat, the boat would pull away so as not to corrupt them. But no innocent person ever does. So the boat sits there at the service of sinners. The queen's security had given me the phone number that Murdoch had sent the pictures to and my GPS told me that the phone was somewhere nearby. I was using a voice-activated app on my phone called People Finder.
SS (SIRI): Hello. How can I help you today?
GK: Find the phone that the pictures of the Queen went to.
SS (SIRI): The phone you are seeking is currently in the Bathroom. It should be out in about 20 minutes. The man with the phone is combing his hair. It's complicated.
GK: Okay.
SS (SIRI): You have not done your workout today.
GK: I didn't ask you about that.
SS (SIRI): Twenty pushups, twenty crunches, two minutes of the Plank, and don't forget your weights.
GK: I can't do it now.
SS (SIRI): Here comes the guy with the cellphone. (TR TRUMP OFF)
GK: With the pictures of the Queen on it?
SS (SIRI): Here he comes.
TR (TRUMP): Hey, how's it goin? Remember me? Trump's the name. I was gonna run for president and if I had, I woulda won in a walk. I came to Shreveport because they want me to put up luxury high-rises, but I tell you, sometimes your most important investment is the one you don't make.
GK: Mr. Trump, my name is----
TR (TRUMP): Shut up. I'm talking. I don't want to build because government regulation these days is unbelievable. I told that to Romney the other day, I says, when you get in the White House, Boom, get government off our back. What you want?
GK: Could I borrow your telephone?
TR (TRUMP): Don't have it. I gave it to the man in the cowboy hat.
GK: Is he around here somewhere?
TR (BUSH): Standing right here. Remember me? Mr. Misunderestimate? Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.
GK: How you doing, Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): Hanging out in Shreveport, playing some roulette. Couldn't do that in Dallas. I love Shreveport because people here have forgotten that I ever was President. It's beautiful. Muy beneficio. There's some sort of gas here that comes up out of the ground and it makes people happy. Works for me. Heh heh heh heh heh heh.
GK: Mr. President, did somebody give you a telephone?
TR (BUSH): Somebody did and I gave it to him.
GK: The guy with the white hair and the big red nose?
TR (CLINTON): Hey, how you doing. I love Shreveport. It's the place where people from Arkansas come when they want to do things in private, if you know what I mean. Hey, look, it's my wife on TV. Turn it up.
SS (HILARY): And the only solution is for Assad to transfer power and leave the country immediately.
TR (CLINTON): She told me the very same thing back in 1998. Here----- hold this for me, wouldja? I'll be right back. Gotta get into this round of blackjack.
GK: He handed me a phone and I scrolled down the directory and saw the name Murdoch and pressed Call and (RING TONE NEARBY) a phone rang a few feet away, a little bald guy with an iPad and I grabbed him (TR OZ ACCENT: Hey mate, what you doin? Leggo of me) and I heaved him into the river (TR OZ CRY FADING, SPLASH) and I took the phone (FOOTSTEPS) and I opened up a video (SFX) and there was the Queen of England dancing on a tabletop----
TR (QUEEN, SINGS): If you want my body, AND you think I'm sexy COME on sugar let me know! IF you really need me JUST reach out and touch me COME ON honey tell me so--- ooo ooo ooo. -----
GK: And I got into the database and found the numbers of the phones that Murdoch had emailed the video to and I attached my destroy app and one by one those phones burst into flames ---- Mr. Trump's (TR TRUMP: OUCH. WHAT THE HEY) and Mr. Bush (TR BUSH: HEY GIT THAT OFFA ME) and Mr. Clinton (TR BILL SINGS AS ELVIS: I just want to start a flame in your heart) and I saw a steamroller coming along (SFX) and I threw the phone under it (CRUNCH) and the next day I got the Queen on the phone.
TR (QUEEN): Yes???
GK: Mission accomplished, ma'am. It's gone. Completely.
TR (QUEEN): You're sure-----
GK: Yes, ma'am.
TR (QUEEN): Oh good. When a girl has been on the job for sixty years, smiling and holding a big purse and an ugly dog, she ought to be able to kick up her heels, don't you think?
GK: Absolutely, ma'am.
TR (QUEEN): Where is the incriminating evidence, if I may ask?
GK: It's in Shreveport, ma'am.
TR (QUEEN): Where?
GK: Shreveport.
TR (QUEEN): Where is Shreveport?
GK: That's what everybody wants to know.
TR (QUEEN): My my. Interesting. I'd like to visit there someday.
GK: Someday, if you're lucky, you may get that opportunity.
TR (QUEEN): How do I find it?
GK: You just wait until someone comes to get you.
(BRIDGE)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)