TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: So it was coming up to New Years Eve again, a Saturday night, and I had no date. I went on a website called Emergency Friends and there wasn't a whole lot to choose from.
HM (MONOTONE, DEEP): Fifty-seven, heavyset gal, big eyebrows, looking for older fella who wants me to make him do crunches and push-ups and if he doesn't, I'll smack him around a little.
ER: Hi, my name is Madison Anderson and I'm dating men so I can write a book about it called Man-Boys I Have Known. Call me. Let me write your chapter. (SHE LAUGHS A HARD CYNICAL LAUGH)
GK: So it looked like I'd be ringing in the new year with the same old friends: Jack Daniels, Ben & Jerry, and Sara Lee. And then I got an invitation I couldn't turn down. (PHONE RINGS, PICKUP) Yeah. Noir here.
SS (SUGAR): Hi Guy. How you doing?
GK: Sugar! It's so good to hear your voice.
SS (SUGAR): You mean that? I thought you were mad at me.
GK: You mean, because you dumped me for the two-faced fish farmer with the bad breath? No, no. I'm all over that.
SS (SUGAR): Well, guess what? He dumped me for an aromatherapist named Misty. She's 23 years old.
GK: Oh, I'm sorry. What a jerk.
SS (SUGAR): It's okay. Who cares? Whatever. I'm over it. Moving on, his loss, yadda yadda.
GK: Uh huh. When did it happen?
SS (SUGAR): A week ago.
GK: Oh.
SS (SUGAR): Misty. Can you believe it? She spritzes perfume on people and charges a hundred bucks a pop.
GK: So what can I do for you, Sugar?
SS (SUGAR): It's like this, Guy. He and I were invited to a New Years' Eve party and he's going ---- with her ----- Misty ----- and I want you to come with me and we'll dance and I'll throw my head back and laugh ---- ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ----- like life has never been better ---- and at midnight you give me a big kiss on the lips.
GK: Where's the party?
SS (SUGAR): Honolulu.
GK: Honolulu???
SS (SUGAR): It's at a big resort complex called Kanakawahuwahu and they give you free airfare if you listen to a sales talk about buying a condo.
GK: Oh. Okay.
SS (SUGAR): In a retirement community.
(A BEAT)
GK: Fine.
(BRIDGE)
GK: It was ten hours on the plane and I sat in a middle seat between a man with breath so bad it would've knocked a buzzard off a carcass.
FN: Hhhhhhhi ----- you ever been to Hhhhhhhhhhhawaii?
GK: And a large restless woman who kept putting an arm around me.
HM (DEEP, BOSTON): You got a date for New Year's Eve? Huh? What do you say? There's plenty of va-va-voom in the old girl yet.
GK: I'm too old for you, sorry.
HM (DEEP): As long as you can still fog up a mirror, you're never too old.
GK: I pretended to be asleep and she sang in my ear.
HM (DEEP):
Those fingers in my hair
That sly come hither stare
That strips my conscience bare
It's witchcraft.
(BRIDGE)
(PARTY HUBBUB)
GK: The party was by a pool, of course. A beautiful night. A lady danced the hula (NOSE GUITAR) and a dark-skinned man in a little bathing suit juggled torches (SFX) and a man in a white tuxedo sang -----
TR (SINGS):
Honolulu Baby, where'd you get those eyes?
And that dark complexion, I just idolize
Honolulu baby, where'd you get that style
And the pretty red lips, and that sunny smile
GK: Nice party, Sugar. Care for some squid?
SS (SUGAR): Look at him over there. That schmoozer in the white pants and the shimmer top. And the blonde hanging on his arm like a wet noodle.
GK: I take it that's Misty.
SS (SUGAR): Look at her. Those are fake.
GK: They look real.
SS (SUGAR): Ha. Fake. Both of them.
GK: How do you know?
SS (SUGAR): They look like softballs. A woman knows. And look at the way she flashes her eyes and grabs his arm. What a fake. And him with the hair extensions and the sparkling bronzer? (TR AND ER LAUGH, OFF)
GK: Don't look at them, Sugar.
SS (SUGAR): What a creep he is. Walked out and left me a note saying, "I don't think we're right for each other." She was waiting in the car.
GK: Just ignore them, Sugar. We're having a good time, remember? We're talking about something, talking talking talking, watermelon watermelon watermelon, and then (GK LAUGHS, SS FOLLOWS) now we're having a great time. And here, I'll put my hand on your waist, and lean forward and kiss your earlobe, and now he's looking over here, and it's working. You see?
SS (SUGAR): Oh Guy. Guy, Guy, Guy. My Guy.
GK: Attaway. Make your eyes flash. Look at me with your lips slightly parted. That's wonderful. He's staring at us, Sugar. His eyes are narrowing, I can see jealousy fumes coming up from his head. (PARTY AMBIENCE, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
FN (DRUNK GUY): Hey. Is your name ------ Harold?
GK: No, sir.
FN (DRUNK GUY): I didn't think so. And I was right. Hey----- jever hear the one about the waiter with the spoon in his pocket?
GK: I don't think so.
FN (DRUNK GUY): Well, that makes two of us. You get it?
GK: Got it.
FN (DRUNK GUY): Hey, is your name Harold?
GK: No.
FN (DRUNK GUY): I didn't think so.
(BRIDGE, PARTY AMBIENCE WITH MORE NOISEMAKERS)
GK: You want to go over and talk to them, Sugar?
SS (SUGAR): No, I want them to come over here. He's been staring at me for the past two hours.
GK: It's almost midnight. We could go over and wish them a Happy New Year.
SS (SUGAR): I wish he'd drive into a bridge abutment. I wish her face would fall off.
GK: You're doing great, Sugar. You're smiling, you're working the room, you've only had one glass of punch. We danced, we pretended to converse, I've kissed your earlobe. Wally is insanely jealous, Misty is having a miserable time. Success.
SS (SUGAR): Guy?
GK: What?
SS (SUGAR): I know I asked you to pretend to be in love with me, and I know it's all pretend, but suddenly ------
GK: Suddenly what, Sugar?
SS (SUGAR): Suddenly I have feelings for you that I wasn't planning on having.
GK: What???
SS (SUGAR): Dance with me again. Come on. Hold me in your arms. Just like we used to do.
GK: I don't know, Sugar.
SS (SUGAR): DO IT!
(MUSIC)
HM (SINGS, AS HERSELF):
I'm wild again, beguiled again
A simpering, whimpering child again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I
TR: Hey. Sugar!!!
SS (SUGAR): Wally!!!! I didn't expect to see you here!!! Oh, this must be Misty! Hi.
ER: Hi. (THEY EXCHANGE AIR KISSES) I love that dress of yours. It reminds me of the curtains I used to have in my bathroom. And your hair ----- I love that retro look.
TR: So you and Guy are back together, huh?
GK: I couldn't believe my good luck. She's the most wonderful woman in the world.
SS (SUGAR): I've never been so happy. NEVER.
TR: Well, sometimes to go forward we have to go back. Way back.
HM (SINGS):
I've sinned a lot, I'm mean a lot
But I'm like sweet seventeen a lot
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I
When he talks, he is seeking
Words to get off his chest
Horizontally speaking, he's at his very best
GK: It just happened all of a sudden.
ER: Sort of like menopause, huh?
SS (SUGAR): Don't you have a prom to go to?
GK (FAKE LAUGHTER): Ah, Sugar.
TR: Well, there's a minister here, how about you get married?
SS (SUGAR): Soon as my book is published.
TR: What book?
SS (SUGAR): I kept a journal of the past five years with you. It's a comedy.
TR: Romantic comedy?
SS (SUGAR): Not really.
TR: What's the title?
SS (SUGAR): I don't think you want to know.
TR: What is it?
SS (SUGAR): That is it. I Don't Think You Want To Know.
HM (SINGS):
I'll sing to him, each spring to him
And long, for the day when I'll cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I
ER: I'm so glad we can be civilized about this. That there's nothing, you know, "weird" between us.
SS (SUGAR): Right.
ER: I just don't want there to be any hard feelings.
SS (SUGAR): You know, the more I think about it, the more I think you're perfect for Wally.
ER: You do?
SS (SUGAR): You two deserve each other.
ER: Oh, I'm so happy you think so. Oh, and your upper lip is sweating.
SS (SUGAR): That's because it's not made of silicon.
GK: Okay, Sugar. Easy.
HM (SINGS):
Vexed again, perplexed again
Thank God, I can be oversexed again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I
SS (SUGAR): Oh, Guy. I really feel like this time it'd be different with you and me, Guy. I'm in love with you.
GK: You were in love with me before.
SS (SUGAR): I know but not in the same way. Not this way.
GK: You don't remember the fights we used to have?
SS (SUGAR): We didn't fight that much.
GK: That's because I got tired. I learned to shut up.
SS (SUGAR): What did we fight about?
GK: Everything. You'd ask me how I felt and then you'd tell me----
SS (SUGAR): I did not.
GK: And you had this terrible habit of-----
SS (SUGAR): Of finishing your sentences for you. Right? Isn't that what you were going to say? But I didn't.
GK: You did----- I'd get four words out of my mouth-----
SS (SUGAR): And then I'd interrupt you and tell you what you meant to say.
GK: You did.
SS (SUGAR): I'm only trying to help.
GK: You're doing it now.
SS (SUGAR): I don't know what you're talking about.
GK: I was in love with you once, Sugar. Once was enough. I'm over it now.
SS (SUGAR): You talk about it like it was a bad thing.
GK: It was an experience. I don't try to judge it.
HM (SINGS):
Wise at last, my eyes at last,
Are cutting you down to your size at last
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more
TR: Where'd your boyfriend go?
SS (SUGAR): Out on the terrace to get some fresh air.
TR: How come you didn't go with him?
SS (SUGAR): He didn't ask me. Where's Misty?
TR: She decided to call it a night.
SS (SUGAR): You have an argument?
TR: You could call it that. I told her this is a Frank Sinatra song and she asked me who he is.
SS (SUGAR): Yeah. The girl is going to need a lot of education.
TR: Want to dance?
SS (SUGAR): Why not? Just don't get any ideas.
TR: I've got all sorts of ideas.
SS (SUGAR): Well, keep them to yourself.
TR: I'll try.
HM (SINGS):
Burned a lot, but learned a lot
And now you are broke, so you earned a lot
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I took the redeye home from Honolulu. Middle seat again. Sat in between a young woman with headphones on who evidently was singing along with whatever it was-----
ER (SINGING, FLAT): Oh yeah.........yeah..........let's go............you and me..........oh yeah.......(ETC)
GK: And a man who was asleep with his mouth open wide and the two of them did a duet (FN SNORING AND SNORTS) all across the Pacific, and over the desert, and the Rocky Mountains, and the prairie, all the way back home.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)