GK: I don't like to talk about myself on the show, that's not what I do the show for, but when I hear kids complain about their hard lives, then I have to tell you what I went through. You kids don't know how good you've got it.
I was born on a distant planet in another galaxy, a planet known as Kalmar, and my parents, seeing that the planet was dying, put me on a rocket ship and aimed it toward Earth and here I am, ten thousand and sixty-nine years later, and if you've never had to move from one galaxy to another, you don't know what hard times is.
Is it hard times is, or hard times are?
SS: Are. Hard times are.
GK: Thank you. I was an infant when they put me into the rocket ship but I remember Kalmar well and the meteoroids were hitting our planet (EXPLOSIONS) and the planet was cracking (SFX) and volcanoes going off (SFX) and my parents (SPACE ALIEN GIBBERISH, LIKE TAPE PLAYED BACKWARDS) speaking words of farewell in our odd bird-like language and putting me into the rocket and (ROCKET BLAST) off I went for ten-thousand years faster than the speed of light so I didn't age in space and I landed in North Dakota (ROCKET SLOWING) right smack in a lake ----- Devil's Lake (SPLASH) and I was raised by Lutherans. TR: Well, look it here. Little tiny fella inside a big rocket. Hey, how we doing there? You hungry? Hey---- look ----- he blinked. You okay, little guy? He's not crying. No, sir. Not crying at all.
GK: I didn't know how to cry. We didn't have crying on our planet. I had to learn how. Had to learn everything. The food was so odd, going down your throat. On the planet Kalmar we put food in our ears and digested it there.
TR: Oh my gosh. ---- Oh my gosh. Look.
SS: Oh my gosh.
TR: Interesting, huh?
SS: I'll say.
GK: I had a transparent head. You could see my brain matter. Which wasn't gray, it was green.
TR: Well, we'll just get him a stocking cap, I guess.
SS: That's all we can do. And hope he grows some hair.
TR: He's an odd one.
SS: But no odder than your cousin Bruce.
TR: Well, you've got a point there.
GK: So I wore a stocking cap and I was kept in the yard so mean boys wouldn't make fun of me and all I had for friendship was their old Atwater Kent radio with the vacuum tubes that gave off heat. It was warm, it vibrated, it talked to me, it sang, and that's how I got into radio. The radio was my mother. Anyway, I'm not here to talk about myself, I just want you to know that if you're from another planet, you're not the first. Okay? Thanks for listening.
(BAND PLAYOFF)