GK: So you heard a radio show offer a weekend of ice-fishing in Bemidji, Minnesota, and you thought---- (TR: Hey, why not?) even though you've lived in San Diego for years (SURF, GULLS) trying to forget your bitter childhood years of suffering and repression in the frozen North (TK ECHOEY: Stop that. Don't. Shame on you. How can you do that? Look at you! You're a disgrace. A disgrace!) and your childhood dog who hated you (SNARL) and ate your breakfast (DOG SNARFLING) and how you were sent off to school in the snow and the wind (BLIZZARD, TR CHILD: Help! Help!) and that's why you moved to San Diego years ago (SURF, GULLS) and founded a church, the Church of The Moment ----- ALL: CHORDAL HUM) but off you go to Bemidji (JET AIRPLANE) hoping to find closure with your painful memories but you get off the plane and it's cold ----- it's so cold that when you inhale (TR INHALE AND CHOKE), your lungs collapse and (SIREN) you're raced to the hospital and they re-inflate your lungs with a bicycle pump (SFX). Your health insurance only allows for a 40-minute stay post-surgery so they send you off to your motel, Ricky's Receding Ridgeline Resort and it's not great (TK SMOKER: Welcome to Ricky's. Help yourself to a room key, we've got lots of vacancies. Boy, have we got vacancies.) It's especially not great for a guy with a bad lung. (TR: Do you have any non-smoking rooms?) TK: Do we have what? TR: Non-smoking rooms. TK: Why would we have that?)...
GK: ...and there is no room service (SS SMOKER: We got sandwiches in a vending machine. You need change?) and the room is 50 degrees (SHIVERING) and the bed is a twin with a sagging mattress (SFX), and the toilet, you flush it (TOILET OVERFLOW) and it overflows and bodies of dead animals come up (TR REACT) and upstairs people are playing headbanger music at 1 a.m. (MUFFLED BASS) and you have bad dreams all night (DOG SNARLING, TK REVERB: Go to school, what's the matter with you, git out there. WHIP CRACKS) and in the morning you decide to take that long walk across the ice (FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW), out across Lake Bemidji, you walk in the winter dawn through a vast indescribable beauty of whiteness and you come to a fishing shack with a light shining in the window ---- (TR: Someone's home) and you knock on the door (KNOCKS. SS INSIDE: Hello! Who's there?) (TR WEEPY: A lonely guy feeling sort of lost right now. DOOR OPENS. SS: Why come in. I just baked some fresh doughnuts. In my oven. Would you like to see my oven?) And you see the oven, flames coming out of it. (SFX) And you see how long her fingernails are. And her skin is greenish. And bad teeth. (SS CACKLING) And you run as fast as you can across the ice (DOOR OPEN, FEET CRUNCHING IN SNOW) and just then you notice the big sign that says "Danger, Ice Crevasse" (RUMBLING, CRACKING), and a vast crevasse opens at your feet (SFX) a crack that reaches down into the bowels of the earth and releases hibernating pterodactyls from a million years ago(SFX), and they fly up into the night (SFX)...
GK: ...and your cell phone rings. (SFX). And it's your wife. (SS: How you doing? Having fun?)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie Filling.
(RHUBARB SONG)
But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.