(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC UP)
GK: It was October, turning cold, and all the women I used to look forward to seeing jog down the street were now jogging in sweatshirts and long pants, not nearly so exciting. A sad thing. The landlord was after me for the rent (SS DORIS, POUNDING ON DOOR: I know you're in there.) And Danny was getting nasty at the deli. (TK WENDELL: Sorry but no more credit. Gotta pay cash.) My girlfriend Sugar was losing patience. (SS SUGAR: I can't lend you no more money. No. N-O-O-O-O-O-O.) And business was lousy. People used to hire me to spy on their kids away at college but now you just check the kids' Facebook updates and it's all there. So I had to find some new income.
TR: (ON PHONE) Mr. Noir, I feel terrible asking you to do this, but I have fallen in love with the most wonderful woman Angelica - she's kind and good and radiant and sexy and I haven't met her except online, and I need you to investigate and see if she has a criminal record.
GK: Okay.
TR: I'm ashamed of myself for even wondering about it, but sometimes very nice people turn out to be serial killers.
GK: I'll look into it for you.
TR: Well, I really feel bad about this---
GK: Facts are facts, sir. We know them or we don't know them, but we don't need to feel guilty about wanting to know them. (BRIDGE) So I found Angelica, the woman he loved and she was the head of an ad agency. She wore a low-cut blouse that I tried hard not to look at and tiny glasses with square lenses and jeans so tight, I could tell she was not wearing underwear. The agency was called Silk Purses and their specialty was glamorizing the unglamorous.
SS: We started out advertising bottled water, Mr. Noir.
Ordinary drinking water. No different from tap water. Maybe even not as good. And how can you charge $3 a bottle for what costs 15 cents? Advertising.
(PIANO GLISS)
AS (SINGS):
My skin,
My hair---
I am sin-
Fully beautiful, mon cher.
A regular sinsation
Thanks to hydration.
Everything I wants in
WATER FROM WISCONSIN.
GK: Bottled water from Wisconsin? Are you kidding?
SS: It may not sell in Minnesota or Illinois but it's huge in Europe. Listen
TR (FRENCH SULTRY VOICE).......Wisconsin. (CORKSCREW, POP, POUR) (HE SIGHS)
SS: Wisconsin sells a million quarts of water annually in France. In Germany.......
TR (GERMAN SOFT LOW VOICE): .......Wisconsin. (POP CAN, POUR) (EROTIC MOAN)
GK: So where does the water come from?
SS: Out of the tap in Milwaukee.
GK: Wow. Unbelievable.
AS (SINGS): For your next affair.....
Serve Eau Claire.
TR (FRENCH SINGER): Elegance.....esprit....panache
Make mine.....Oshkosh.
GK: I had no idea water was so lucrative.
SS: We sell water nobody ever put into bottles before. Like water from West Texas.
JOE E (SINGS):
From the Double Mountain Fork of the Brazos River
Good for your heart and good for your liver....
It's got a flavor makes you holy for a minute
From all the folks who been baptized in it
Hello, this is Joe Ely, and no matter where in the world I travel London or Paris or Rome --- I always ask for Lubbock Bottled Water from the Brazos. Lubbock Water contains sand and silt that aids in the digestive process. See if it doesn't make you feel better.
(SINGS) It's from the Brazos
So there's no question:
The water that jazzes
Up digestion.
Take away that Perrier.
Give me L-U-B-B-O-C-K.
GK: I didn't know they had enough water in west Texas to sell it.
SS: Actually the water comes from Minnesota, we just add the sand and the silt and put Texas on the label.
GK: That's pretty amazing.
SS: The Lutheran church got into the bottled water business and almost doubled the annual income of the church.
GK: Amazing.
ST OLAF WOMEN (SING):
St. Olaf water
From the Cannon River
From the land of the spruce and pine
Purer and clearer
Smooth as a mirror
The water that turns into wine.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I was starting to think maybe this woman was not who that guy thought she was, being as how she could package water. So what else is Silk Purse promoting?
SS: Well, our specialty is taking common ordinary things and making them glamorous. Like tuna casserole.
GK: Hot dish.
SS: We don't like to call it that anymore. "Hot dish" brings up an image of people with big butts in a church basement. We market it as being more French.
AS (SINGS):
Like a painting by Monet
Or an opera by Bizet,
The smell of fish in a hot dish:
Tuna cassoulet.
GK: Very classy. So you people can take any ordinary thing and give it cachet and make it appealing......what are you working on now?
SS: We're doing a whole new campaign for commitment and fidelity in marriage.
GK: That's a tall order.
SS: Old Crow Medicine Show did a video for us.
OCMS (SINGS):
Sometimes I feel like a wagon wheel
But now that I found my ideal
Hey monogamy
Monogamy is a nice slow train
Keeps you warm from the cold and rain
Hey monogamy
GK: I was about to ask her some personal questions and before I could, she grabbed my hand.
SS: Let's not waste time, Mr. Noir. I could do a lot with you. All you need is a little marketing. What sign are you? Leo? I can work with that. I just need to do something with that hair. Lose twenty pounds. Have you ever tried smiling? I could teach you.
GK: Ma'am, I'm an old burnt-out detective. I've seen too much. My heart's been broken so many times it jingles when I walk. Too old for repackaging.
SS: Mr. Noir I could do for you what I've done for myself.....watch. (RUBBER PEELING OFF)
GK: I watched as she took hold of her chin and pulled it up and peeled her face off.
SS (DORIS): I'm young at heart, Mr. Noir, but I'm 71 years old and I needed a makeover. And I could do the same for you.
GK: Sorry, it just won't work.
SS (DORIS): What do you have to lose? Come here.
GK: I don't want to. Get your hands off me.
SS (DORIS): Come here.
GK: No. You can't make me. (SS LUNGES. SS SHARP TAE KWON DO CRY. GK OOOOFFFF. CRUNCH. SS MORE SUSTAINED TAE KWON DO CRY. GK ALARM. SS EFFORT. CRASH INTO RUBBISH, GLASS BREAKAGE, HUBCAP SPIN. GK GROAN.)
(STING)
GK: I woke up on the floor with an ache in my head like somebody had stuffed it and mounted it over their fireplace. But I found a bottle of Lubbock water from the Brazos River and it was sort of cloudy, but sure enough, it made me feel better.
JOE E (SINGS):
It contains sand and silt
Cures a man of bitter guilt
Washes all your sins away
L-U-B-B-O-C-K.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)