GK:n You're from Minnesota and you're self-conscious about that because we're the Gopher State, our symbol is a rodent, and the state bird is the loon (TK: The loon. Boy o boy o boy.) And then the Twins were jinxed by the Yankees. (TK: How humiliating.) Well, you took your SATs a year ago and did really wellnthanks to your friend who texted you the answers (CLICKING, BEEP) and so you got a full scholarship to Gotham College in New York Cityn(TK: Wow. Me, Larry Wartburg, going to Gotham. I can't believe it. Gotham.), (BELLS TOLLING "ALMA MATER") and there amidst the Gothic splendor students are wearing three-piece suits and there's a concierge in your dorm (TR BRIT:nMay I make a dinner reservation for you?) and there you are, playing tennis with rich kids (SFX) and going to foreign movies (TR & SS STEAMY FRENCH DIALOGUE) and you join the fox-hunting club in Connecticut (HORN, HOUNDS, GALLOPING HOOVES) and learn how to make a perfect martini (POURING, SHAKER) and you get yourself a girlfriend named Angelica (SS: Hi. I'm from Greenwich. I have a large trust fund but I'm still, like, really really into social justice.) and you learn to speak in an upper-crust accent (TK: O RILLY ---- fanTAStic ---- that is SO KEWL.) and you learn to dance salsa with Angelica (MUSIC) and you are so busy and happy and suddenly it's October and you go to physics class after a few weeks' absence andninto GERMAN) it's like a foreign language. You go to English Lit and that's like a foreign language, too.
(SS: The androcentrist transformation of social subsets employs a viable essentialist commonality in the context of affirmative depolarization of gender trajectories.) and before you know it, your grades are (TK FALLING) --- yes, going down down down, and the dean calls you in for a meeting (TR JOWLY MAN) and your parents call up on the phone (SS WEEPING ON PHONE) and finally the college chaplain comes to visit you (TR: Eternal Father Who didst create the human brain, show mercy, we beseech Thee, on this former student as he departs our campus and (FADE) embarks on his journey through...)nand you're hauled up in front of the student body (TK: D.I. SHOUTING ORDERS, FOOTSTEPS) and they rip the insignia off you (RIPS, TK WEEPING) and you plead for mercy (TK: Please please please please. Please please please. Please. Give me another chance. Please. Please please please please please please.) And they rip the insignia off your pants (RIP) and your pants fall down (SFX) and there you stand---- (CROWD REACTION) you're wearing boxer shorts with golden gophers on them. SS: You're from Minnesota??? A Twins fan??? Why couldn't you have told me?????) And in your horror you cry out. (TK LOON (THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a slice of rhubarb pie? Nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS):
But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.