GK: So it's the 4th of July weekend and your kids are driving you nuts already shooting off cherry bombs (BOOMS) and Roman candles (SFX) and bottle rockets (SFX) and you think, how about we take a family car trip to Canada.
FN (COOL): Canada.....the cool country. (LOON)
TR (TO HIMSELF): The kids are getting older. This might be our last chance at a car trip. And it'll be good for our kids to be exposed to Canadians. Such nice people.
FN (SINGS, COOL JAZZ):
We're Canadians, we live up there,
We're educated and extremely fair,
We have nice clothes, nice skin and hair,
And excellent health care.
GK: And there is no 4th of July in Canada. It's quiet. So you pack up the old minivan (DOOR SLAMS) and head north (HONK, PULLS OUT), and you stop at the border--
FN (GUARD): Welcome to Canada! You carrying any transfats?
TR: Nope.
SS (GUARD): Any aerosol cans?
TR: No, ma'am.
FN (GUARD): Any non-biodegradable soaps or lotions?
TR: No, not a single one.
SS (GUARD): You carrying any MSG? Any DDT? Any LOL?
TR: Just a BRB.
SS (GUARD): I'll have to take that. (THROWS SOMETHING AWAY)
GK: And you get through security and you drive into Canada which looks a lot like northern Wisconsin for awhile-----
SS (KID): Daddy, Buster's sort of sick. (DOG RETCHING) He swallowed a tennis ball. I think he's gonna throw up--
GK: So you pull off at the shoulder (BRAKES) and Buster jumps out (BARKS) and goes off in the bushes (DOG RETCH), and the kids run off in all directions (SS: ewwwwwwww) and everybody else gets out and as you shut the door of the van (DOOR SLAM), at that very instant you realize------
TR: It's locked-- keys in the ignition----- motor running. Oh boy. (CAR IDLES)
GK: Dumb. Doors locked, motor running. And just then a man walks up (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)----
FN (DEEP SCARY DRIFTER): Hey, what's all the trouble aboot?
GK: He's Canadian, but he's filthy and he smells bad. All the Canadians you ever met were clean, wonderful, well-read, tastefully dressed people----
FN (DRIFTER): You're aboot ten miles from town, y'know. (HE BLOWS NOSE WITH FINGER)
TR: Kids???? Kids!!!!!!
FN (DRIFTER): Here. Let me help you oot-----
GK: And he pulls out a coat hanger and wiggles it in (SFX) around the window and picks the lock (CLICK) and the door opens--
(SFX)
TR: Wow. Gosh. Thanks.
FN (DRIFTER): Helping others. That's what it's all aboot there hey.
GK: You round up the kids. (KID VOICES) You get the dog in the car. (DOG MOANS) You pretty much have to offer the guy a ride, since he helped you.
FN (DRIFTER): I'm not going far. Aboot a hundred miles or so.
GK: You head north. (CAR PULLS OUT) Something is wrong.
(CAR PASSES, HONKING, FN ANGRY VOICE: hey move it, old-timer? What's your problem? Jeez----
GK: The people are rude, not like Canadians. And you turn on the radio----
TR (RUSH): My friends, I am aboot to blow my stack, I am soooooo angry, you won't believe what these pointy-heads in Ottawa are up to now-----
GK: Angry voices on the air. And the magnetic force of the North Pole is stronger here and it overwhelms your GPS -----
SS (ON GPS): In one-half mile-----turn left. No. Wait. Recalculating route. In one-half mile---- no, one-third mile----- Oh I don't know what to tell you. What do you want from me, what?!? (SHE WEEPS)
GK: Even the moose don't look right. (SFX) The loons are singing off-key. (SFX ) People have reverse seasonal affect disorder. Summer makes them crazy-----
FN (DEEP, SCARY): It's pretty hot out here. Wouldn't you say it's pretty hot? And too sunny. Turn off the lights!!!!
GK: Your GPS is going berserk.
SS (GPS): Just turn around and go home! I can't tell you anything. You hate me, don't you! You hate me!!! (SOBS)
FN (DEEP, SCARY): I know some people who live right up here. Turn in here. By the motel sign. (CAR WHEELS ON GRAVEL)
TR: It looks abandoned.
FN (SCARY): It's not. I live here. With my mother. But mother's not well. Would you like to come in? (THEME)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie----
GK: Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie Filling .
Yes one little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie
Serve it up nice and hot
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought
(ALL): Mama's little baby loves rhubarb rhubarb
Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie.
(ALL): Mama's little baby loves rhubarb rhubarb
Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie.