(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying tofind the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir,
Private Eye.
GK: It was June, one of those sunny summer days
when you suddenly realize how depressed you've been for the past six months. I was in Spokane where I'd been called in to investigate a strange note found in Riverfront Park in a large manila envelope that someone had tried to feed to a goat (GOAT) and that the goat regurgitated (SFX).
TR: A lot of people are upset about this, Mr. Noir. It's got all of Spokane talking.
GK: The note says: "Guess what. You're going to be a father."
TR: A number of men have left town already and enlisted in the Navy. Or, as we call it, the Home for Unwed Fathers.
GK: Well, what's going on, do you think?
TR: Same things that've been going on for years and years.
GK: Canoodling.
TR: Some of that. Also some fooling around.
GK: Anything unusual in town lately?
TR: Well, there've been some strangers around, Mr. Noir. They've been coming in all spring. Ever since Microsoft opened up a factory here to make crash helmets.
GK: I see.
TR: So they brought in people from Seattle to run it. You can tell they're from Seattle because when they come out of a building into direct sunlight---- look over there---- that man----
FN (OFF): Oh my gosh. Ohhhhh. Take it away! I'll talk!!! Take it away!!!!
TR: They can't tolerate sunlight and they can't drink the water. So they buy bottled water, never mind the price. So we just run Spokane tap water into bottles and put a French label on it and get five bucks for ten ounces.
GK: Not a bad deal. So how long they going to stay here?
TR: They planned to only stay a year but they discovered that you can buy a palace in Spokane for less than you'd pay for a one-bedroom in Seattle. So they're driving up housing prices and forcing Spokaners to move to Idaho.
GK: What's wrong with that?
TR:In Idaho, you've got to buy five acres of land and string razor wire around it and nail Bible verses to the trees. Otherwise they won't talk to you. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: I was looking around town and found a saloon called Father's Day and went in and there was a lady bartender and a line of gloomy guys sitting nursing their beers and throwing darts at a dartboard. (SFX) ---- Interesting name for a saloon, Father's Day.
SS: Well, you know it was invented here in Spokane. 1910. A woman name Sonora Smart Dodd.
(DART THROWN)
SS: What can I get you, mister? It's Happy Hour if you're a father.
GK: Nope, not me. Don't qualify.
SS: Not a father?
GK: Nope.
SS: How close did you come?
GK: Well, I went to a party once and got in a very intense conversation with a beautiful woman and she disagreed with everything I was saying and I could feel a powerful attraction that I knew I'd be helpless to break in another fifteen minutes and which would lead inexorably to a house in the suburbs and four children and tricycles in the driveway and a man walked up and said, Quit bothering my wife, and that was as close as I came. ---- (DART THROWN)
FN: Got a nice touch with darts, mister. How about we switch to knives?
GK: Go ahead.
FN: Little more heft to them. (KNIFE THROW, HIT)
SS: You look out you don't knock a hole in that wall.
TR: Yeah, I tried to stay single but unfortunately I learned to salsa dance and got a lot of women excited and one of them was Suzanne and she took me down to her place by the river and fed me tea and oranges and I touched her perfect body with my mind and next thing I knew she was going around with a basketball under her dress. (KNIFE THROW, HIT) ----
GK: Bullseye.
FN: Same with me. I stood up in that karaoke bar and I sang, "Volare, oh oh
Cantare, oh oh oh oh
Let's fly way up to the clouds
Away from the maddening crowds
We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of
Where lovers enjoy peace of mind."
HA! Peace of mind. Next thing I knew we had a four-bedroom house and the bedrooms were full of all these little people who wanted me to wipe their noses. Why me???? (KNIFE THROWN, HIT) Darn. Missed.
GK: Well, I just saw there was a lot of unhappiness in marriage. Half of all marriages end in divorce.
SS: And the other half fight it out to the bitter end.
(DOG SEQUENCE)
GK: That dog chased us across the bridge and over the river and into the Arena and there was some sort of show going on and a man in a suit standing and talking -----
TR (GK): Yeah, it's been quiet back in Lake Wobegon. Real quiet. Not a whole lot going on. Nothing really worth mentioning. Sort of the same old thing over and over. But that's how it's always been. You know. Just a real quiet town.
GK: I tried to get into it and then I heard a jazz band playing (THEME) and it sounded like somebody was having a good time and I headed off there.
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy
is still trying to find the answers...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)