GK: .....brought to you by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie and frozen rhubarb pie filling.
You're on a plane with your infant son, Beowolf, (GURGLING), you're in seat 23E and you stow your carryon bag (SS BIG EFFORT, SQUEEZING BAG IN, POUNDING IT, SLAMMING IT) into the overhead and sit down between a nervous man in a white caftan and headdress (TR ARABIC MUTTERING) who seems to be praying, and a man with a cat in a carrying case (MEOW) (TR TIGHT: I hope you're not allergic to cats.) and the plane taxis out toward the runway and parks there and the pilot comes on the P.A. (FN: We have some bad news. Air Traffic Control has given us a wheels-up time ofn two hours from now. So we'll be waiting out here and I'm sorry but ----FADES)n and you sit there, trapped, two hours, the Arabic man in 23F is fiddling with something in his pants pocket (TR ARABIC) and the cat man is trying to comfort his cat (ANXIOUS CAT) (TR: It's all right Mr. Pookie Wookie. Daddy's here. Yes, he is. Woo woo woo woo.) (CAT)n (RATTLING) And right then Beowolf cuts loose (BABY FUSSY CRYING). People wedged in tight on an airplane don't tolerate crying babies very well. They give you hateful looks.n TR: You Are A Bad Mother. SS: Child Abuser. TR:n War Criminal.) and now Beowolf shifts into second gear (BABY SCREAMING) and the Arab terrorist is pulling out what appears to be a fuse (TR ARABIC) and the cat has escaped (TR MEOW) ------ and suddenly you hear the voice of your pediatrician-----
n(MUSIC)
FN (REVERB): Remain calm. Remember that temper tantrums are usually short-lived. It's important to hold the baby so he doesn't injure himself. You may wish to sing or say soothing things. Whatever you do, don't give the child up for adoption just yet. Be calm.
SS: (SINGS) Hush little baby, don't say a word, mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird-----
(INFANT GOES INTO HIGH GEAR)
GK: The intensity of your child's crying has shut down the plane's onboard (TR ON P.A.: This is your pilot speaking. We are returning to the gate.) And people cheer (CHEERS) and the plane heads for the gate and right then the baby gets a strange look in his face (BABY QUIETS, STRAINS) and suddenly your hand that is holding his bottom feels very warm----- (BIG SPLORTS OF DIARRHEA) ---- and a powerful smell permeates the aircraft---- (SOUR NOTES OF GUITAR) ----- it's a smell that gives new meaning to the phrase "sweet and sour" ----- it's a smell like rotten canteloupe, it's a smell like fermented skin cream ----- and the people around you look greenish---- (CROWD ZOMBIE GROANS)n and the flight attendants open the doors (BIG WHOOSH) and open the slides (WHUMP, WHUMP) and passengers go sliding down to the tarmac (SERIES OF WHOOO AND WHEEEE) and now you can get your bag out of the overhead (SS TUGGING, PULLING TIGHT BAG) and you open it up and there are no clean diapers. GK: None. Instead of clean diapers, you brought a stack of clean pillow cases. Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie.......
Yes, nothing
gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(RHUBARB SONG)
(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought
DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.