GK: It's March in Minnesota and (BLIZZARD, WOLF) a fresh blizzard sweeps across the frozen tundra and cougars sit in the trees waiting for pedestrians (COUGAR) and snow snakes lie in the deep snow (SFX) and you're depressed because Bob Dylan your hero has made a Christmas album ---- Oh Bob, please---
TR (DYLAN SINGS) I Heard the bells on Christmas Day, And they were blowing in the wind that blows heavy on the border line, And It Ain't Me, Babe ---- No, no, no----
FN: No, no, no------
GK: It's too much, so you fly to Seattle, the city of youth, to get a head start on spring, (JET LANDING) and it's wonderful. (THUNDER, LIGHTNING) Rainy, yes, but the air is fresh and clean. (FOGHORN) Foggy, yes, but all around the birds are singing (SFX), people are out riding their bikes (SFX) which are a little rusty but they run (SFX), and the city is full of happy dogs (DOG SERIES) and the coffee is terrific (ESPRESSO) and it inspires you to go rock climbing (CAREFUL STEPS IN ROCK CREVICES) up a sheer rock face and there's a beautiful young woman climbing about five feet from you--
SS: Hi.
FN: Hi.
SS: How's it going?
FN: Okay. I see you don't use a safety rope......
SS: No.
FN: Why not?
SS: It gets in the way of the experience.
FN: Oh. (TAPPING SPIKE INTO ROCK) You wouldn't happen to have an extra tampon, would you?
SS: Tampon?
FN: Crampon.
SS: Yeah, I've got crampons. What kind you want? (BRIDGE)
GK: You make it to the top and a big storm blows in (SFX) and she invites you into her two-man pup tent.
FN: Hey. Great.
GK: And she whips up a terrific meal of beef cubes marinated in soy sauce and ginger and a bottle of 1994 Pinot Noir (CORK, POUR) and it's all stuff she brought in in her backpack, but there's goat cheese (SFX) and coffee that she makes in a French press (SFX, POUR) and for dessert, cherries flambe (SFX), after which she offers you her sleeping bag.......
FN: For me?
SS: Please.
FN: But what about you?
SS: What about me?
FN: Won't you be cold?
SS: I don't think so.
FN: But it's below freezing.
SS: Well, it's a two-person sleeping bag.
FN: It is?
SS: Sure.
FN: You mean, you've slept in it with someone else before?
SS: No---- you're the first one.
FN: I am?
SS: Scout's honor.
FN: Okay. Great. Well------ (STING)
GK: And you lie there and feel at peace with the world (FN: OMMMMM) and you listen to ragas on your iPod (SITAR, TABLA) and you meditate - (FN OMMMMM) and suddenly the Lord God Jehovah speaks to you----
TR (GOD): Earl.
FN: Who's that?
TR (GOD): It's God.
FN: Is this a joke? (LIGHTNING) Okay. It's not a joke.
TR (GOD): You want to see the other tricks I can do?
FN: No, thanks.
TR (GOD): How'd you like to walk on water?
FN: I don't think so. (WHOOOOAAAAA)
GK: And you are whooshed off the mountain (SFX) and suddenly you're out on Puget Sound (SPLASH) and the ferry is going by (HORN) and motorboats (SFX) and jet planes coming in to the airport (SFX) and a sailboat goes by (SFX) and nobody seems to see you there, walking on water.
FN: Would you mind if I just walk in to shore? Okay?
TR (GOD): I want you to bring the Holy Word to Seattle.
FN: Me???
TR (GOD): I want you to go downtown and stand on the corner and preach. Tell them there is a God and I have high standards and they are not paying attention. And they better start. Now.
FN: Couldn't you find someone else? I'm Episcopalian.
TR (GOD): I want you. All you have to do is open your mouth.
FN: Look---- it really isn't my thing. Okay?
TR (GOD): Okay. Into the water with you----
FN: (FALLING CRY, SPLASH)
GK: And there, sure enough, (WHALE) an enormous black whale pushes up alongside you, and opens his enormous mouth (WHALE SWALLOWING MAN, MAN GOING INTO STOMACH) and you go down the esophagus and into the stomach and it's very acidy down there, and dark and not pleasant at all-
FN: This is not good.
GK: The whale's stomach acid is eating the shoes off your feet (SFX) so you have to act fast.
FN: Gotta make him puke.
(SINGS) People----- people who love people ----- are the luckiest people in the world.
GK: Nothing. The acid is getting stronger. (SFX)
FN: (SINGS) You don't bring me flowers You don't sing me love songs
GK: The whale's stomach is filling up with acid. Time is running out.
FN (SINGS):
Havin' my baby
What a lovely way of sayin'
How much you love me
Havin' my baby
GK: And the giant stomach whale heaves (SFX), the whale is very sick to its stomach (SFX) and finally out you go (SFX) and you're thrown up on land in a pool of whale vomit and you have to walk through it (SFX) and you're covered with it and now everyone watches you (CROWD CRIES) and they all have little video cameras. You're going to be famous. You'll be on YouTube tonight with three million hits. Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(RHUBARB THEME)