GK: February on the frozen tundra. (BLIZZARD) Bitter winds from Alberta and packs of feral dogs surround a motorist who's stuck trying to parallel park (SPINNING TIRES, PANIC). Long lines at the supermarket (ANGRY VOICES). Mobs of refugees pack the airports (MOB). The churches are empty on Sunday morning. (TR ANGLICAN: The Lord be with you. SS OLD LADY: And also with you. TR: Thank you very much. SS: You're welcome.) Something's not right -- Ordinarily a warm caring people, going out of their way to help others, and now -- SS: Outta the way, fatso. I was here first. TR: But Marjorie -- SS: Ya want a knuckle sandwich? Outta the way. TR: But we're married, darling -- SS: So what??? I want mine. TR: It's only toast. From a toaster. SS: My toast, big boy. Make your own. (SLAP) TR: You -- you struck me. SS: And I'll do it again. Move it! (STING)
GK: Something is terribly wrong, but what is it? Take a look in aisle No. 4. Bare shelves where the coffee should be. (GASP, SOBBING) And in the coffeeshop -- the espresso machine is running on fumes. (ESPRESSO GASPING) Civilization is a thin veneer indeed when the supply of coffee gets low.
ELVIS: That pound of Costa Rican is mine, lady.
SS: But I got it first.
ELVIS: This pistol in my hand says otherwise. (CLICK HAMMER, SPIN)
SS: But you're -- ENGLISH. You're not supposed to threaten people with guns. You're the people who gave us madrigals and Laura Ashley pillowcases and Winnie the Pooh.
ELVIS: Go ahead. Make my day, punk.
GK: So -- when the coffee gets low, brew a fresh pot. And get a bigger coffeemaker. (THEME)
JEARLYN: Because when you're out of coffee, you're out of luck.
JS & GK (SING):
Smells so lovely when you pour it,
You will want to drink a quar't
Of coffee.
It's delicious all alone, it's
Also good with doughnuts.
Black coffee.
Coffee stimulates your urges,
It is served in Lutheran churches,
Keeps the Swedes and the Germans
Awake through the sermons
Have a pot of it today,
I'm sure you'll say it's awfully good coffee.
(BIG BUTTON)