GK:n I was getting ready to come to Des Moines this morning and got distracted listening to Gopher football......
TR:n (ANNOUNCER ON RADIO)n First and twenty-five on the Minnesota 15-yard line... ....Omega at quarterback ...having a rough day against Grinnell today -- six passes attempted, two complete, three incomplete and one interception ..... he looks toward the bench for the play.
FN: This Grinnell team is tough, Jack. No way around it.n For a team made up almost entirely of English majors, they're very physical, very aggressive, one might even say suicidal.n n
(SFX:n PHONE RINGS.n RINGS AGAIN.n ANSWERING MACHINE PICKS UP.)
GK:n (ON MACHINE)n Sorry, I can't take your call right now.n Leave a message.n Thanks. (SFX:n BEEP)
SS:n (ON PHONE, LEAVING MESSAGE)n Carson.n We're outside in the van. There's a show today. Did you forget? We're tapping on the window. Wake up. n(CLICK)
TR:n (ANNOUNCER ON RADIO) Gophers down 15-3 here at Grinnell, as Omega comes up to the line. Checks his wide receiver, and (COUNT CADENCE, THEN GRUNTS OF LINEMEN) -- takes the ball over center, and he's fading back to pass......fading back.....(GRUNTING) fading back into his own end zone .......the Grinnell line is on him -- no, he slips away......and -- he has a wide0-open field, Tommy--
FN: Nobody between him and the goal line--
TR: But he's still fading back--
FN: What's going on?
TR: This is incredible.
(SFX:n PHONE RINGS.n RINGS AGAIN.n ANSWERING MACHINE PICKS UP.)n GK: Sorry, I can't take your call right now.n Leave a message.n Thanks. (SFX:n BEEP)
SS:n (ON PHONE, LEAVING MESSAGE) Carson, the plane boards in five minutes. We're all in the van. It's time to go. Where are you? Would you please pick up? (CLICK)
TR: And he's brought down at last in the end zone for a safety.
FN: Unbelievable, Jack.
TR: Wide-open field, easy touchdown, but he ran back into the arms of the enemy and instead of triumph, he found shame and humiliation.
FN: Kind of a pattern of behavior for Minnesotans, I'd say.
GK: Shame and humiliation-- O my gosh-- I'm late-- RUNNING FEET, PANIC-- I dashed upstairs, jumped in the shower-- (SFX) dried my hair (BLOWER) pulled on my clothes (SHOOP SHOOP SHOOP SHOOP) and my shoes (POP POP) looked for my billfold -- with my driver's license -- (RUMMAGING) looked in my sock drawer-- on my desk (JUNK SWEPT OFF) and in my pants pockets from yesterday (BIG RIP) -- looked in the kitchen (GLASS BREAKAGE) -- couldn't find it because I didn't have my glasses on--(CRASHING) didn't see that crystal vase-- (CRASH) -- the wine glasses (GLASS) -- the oil painting-- (RIP) the neighbor walked in--
nTR:n (very sincere) Do you feel like you really know me? Do I know you? I don't think so.
GK:n Got a plane to catch, Jeff. I don't have much time.
TR:n None of us have much time, pal. I'm just putting this out there:n you need a friend, I need a friend. So? here we are.n
GK: What do you think this is? a website? This is real life. (HORN HONK) There's my cab. (HONK) I'll be right there-- gotta catch a cab-- (TR EGYPTIAN OFF) Bye. (SFX:n FOOTSTEPS)n And I hightailed it inside and pushed the door open -- (ALARM) -- and set off my own burglar alarm -- (SIREN) and the cops came -- and I didn't have any identification and in a panic (RUNNING FEET) I took off down the street and they had a police dog with them (DOG, RUNNING FEET) and I headed down a dark alley and I called my wife but I just got her voice mail (SS: Hi. I'm busy. Quit bothering me. BEEP.) and they caught me. (COPS)
TR: Okay. Hands behind your back. Take it easy. You have the right to remain silent-- watch your head. (CAR PULLS AWAY, SIREN)
GK:n And off to the county jail I went.
FN: Here's some lunch for you, pal. (SLOPS)
GK: Thanks. --But where was my staff in the white van, waiting to take me to the airport. And then it came back to me, what they'd said a week ago.
SS:n You don't look well. I think you need a rest. A long rest. How about we get a substitute host for the next month--
GK:n And I turned on the radio and there it was--
TR (WELK): And a very good afternoon to you and welcome to A Prairie Home Companion. Oh boy. I have listened to this show since I was a little boy and I am just so happy to be here. Okay then. Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of a rhubarb pie?
GK: (SINGS)
Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
CHO:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.nnnn