(THEME)
TR: The Great Lakes-- (WAVES) great bodies of water in the center of North America. And on those lakes are deserted islands far from the shipping lanes...where many sailors, caught in a sudden storm, have found themselves...STRANDED IN THE HEARTLAND.
(SURF, SEAGULL)
GK: Hard to believe. Three years ago I was successful on radio. Had a show at Ravinia. Went out for a sail on Sunday and a storm came up and I figured the Coast Guard'd come get me. Three years later, I'm still alone on this barren windswept island. I can see the lights of the Sears Tower on the horizon. I've waved my arms until they almost fell off. Then I gave up, nobody to talk to. Nobody but birds (SEAGULL). Right. You. (SURF, SEAGULLS) Lonely life, I guess, though I've forgotten what it's like to be -- whatever the opposite of lonely is. Accompanied, I guess. Wait, what is this?
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH IN SAND)
FN: Hi. -- You live here? -- I just washed ashore with a life preserver.
GK: Who are you?
FN: I was on the ferry to Michigan. Kids gave me a trip for Father's Day. I was feeling a little sick to my stomach and I went to the rail and -- next thing I knew I was in the water.
GK: Oh.
FN: You wouldn't have a telephone, would you?
GK: You're right, I wouldn't.
FN: Radio?
GK: My years in radio have led me to question its utility as a medium of communication.
FN: How about we pound on tree trunks with big sticks and shriek and holler and wave our shirts in the air?
GK: Be my guest.
FN: How big is the island?
GK: About a mile long, about a hundred yards wide.
FN: Mind if I stay?
GK: Okay. But go up to that end.
FN: You don't want to live together?
GK: No. I have a habit of talking to myself and I don't want you to hear what I have to say.
FN: Okay. Bye. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)
GK: Good. Alone again. Except it's different now. Now I've got an audience. Everything I do, everything I say-- now somebody would be listening.
(EMERGE FROM SURF, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH IN FLIPPERS)
SS (PINCHED NOSE): Hello? Hello? Where am I?
GK: What's this?
(SUCTION, POP)
SS (SEXY): There we go! Woa. Feels good to get that mask off. (SHE RUBS HER FACE) . Hello.
GK: Hi.
SS (SEXY): My name's Carly. I was out scuba diving on a boat out of Chicago and I guess I got carried away by powerful currents and riptides.
GK: I guess so.
SS (SEXY): Could you help me get this wetsuit off?
(A BEAT, SEAGULLS)
GK: Sure.
SS (SEXY): It unzips in back. (SLOW UNZIP) Thanks.
GK: Nice bikini. It's been so long since I've seen -- well, never mind. ...
SS: Now if you could just peel it back away from that shoulder. Gentle. (WET SUCTION) Ooo. That feels so weird.
GK: Should I stop?
SS (SEXY): No. (WET SUCTION)
GK: I'll stop if you want.
SS (SEXY): No no no, don't stop, don't stop.
GK: Okay.
(SLOW SUCTION OF WETSUIT REMOVAL CONTINUES)
SS (SEXY): Are you married? Do you have kids?
GK: I think so.
SS (SEXY): Oh. So what do you do for work?
(A BEAT, SEAGULLS)
GK: I used to be in radio and now I just talk to my self. Same thing, actually.
SS (SEXY): Wow. Radio! Would I have heard of you?
GK: It was a show called the Amigos de la Casa de la Tierra show. Friends of the House of Earth.
SS: Oh.
GK: Never heard of it, probably.
SS: Is that the same as --Prairie Home Companion?--
GK: That's a loose translation, yes.
SS: Wow. Cool. --I think I'm going to just head up this way and change out of my bikini--
GK: No, don't go that way.
SS: No?
GK: No. That way is better.
SS: Why?
GK: There is a giant vampire bat who lives up that way. His venom would kill you.
SS: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS, OFF) See you.
GK: Bye. (SIGH) Suddenly I'm aware of the fact that I have a long beard and my clothes are made of woven grass and I haven't had any soap for three years.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
(TR SWEDISH GIBBERISH)
GK: Excuse me?
(TR SWEDISH GIBBERISH)
GK: I don't understand. No-- don't hug me. Okay? No hugging.
(TR SWEDISH GIBBERISH)
GK: You were on a boat...fishing...
(TR SWEDISH GIBBERISH)
GK: Big storm...
(TR SWEDISH GIBBERISH, INSISTENT)
GK: You swam for many days. (TR SWEDISH) You want food. (TR SWEDISH). Okay. Fine. Just help yourself. Roots. And berries. Berries. (TR SWEDISH) No, don't go that way. Up that way. Don't ever go that way. Go that way. (TR SWEDISH)
(FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Suddenly life becomes complicated. And you know something? I like it. -- (FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Hi.
GK: Hi.
SS: Sorry to bother you.
GK: It's okay.
SS: Do you have any toilet paper?
GK: No. Use leaves. But be careful which ones. Not the glossy ones.
SS: Okay. -- Are you busy for dinner tonight?
GK: No. I'm pretty free tonight.
SS: I was thinking I'd like to -- I don't know -- whip up some giant vampire bat in a berry sauce and serve it up on a bed of root vegetables.
GK: Sounds good.
SS: You have any salt?
GK: The sea. Right out there.
SS: Oh right. Thanks. See you later.
GK: Later.
(FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
GK: Three years alone and I've lost my social skills and have no idea how to behave around people.
(FOOTSTEPS)
FN: Hey-- you're from Minnesota.
GK: No, I'm not. (TR SWEDISH)
FN: He knows you.
FN: Admit it. You're from Minnesota. You're one of us.
GK: Not.
FN: Are.
GK: Not.
FN: Are.
GK: Not.
FN: Are.
GK: Not. (REPEAT TEN OR FIFTEEN TIMES RAPIDLY, UNTIL...)
SS: HEY! ----
FN: Wow. Who's she?
GK: Friend of mine. Lives down here at my end of the island.
SS: What's the argument about?
FN: He's from Minnesota and he won't admit it.
SS: Are you?
GK: I used to be. I'm not anymore. I'm from Chicago now. I'm Hispanic. Amigos de la Casa de la Tierra
SS: Are you really?
FN: Ha! He's from Minnesota.
SS: Prove that you're from Chicago.
FN: He's lying. I don't think you're safe with him around.
I think we should vote him off.
GK: This is not up for a vote. I was here first.
FN: Tell it to the Indians.
GK: Voting doesn't count. It's mine and if you want to stay here, you've got to pay me a hundred dollars a day and do what I say.
SS: He's from Chicago.
(BRIDGE)
(NIGHT SOUNDS)
SS: How'd you like the wild bat?
GK: For what it was. It was good.
SS: Not too salty?
GK: I liked it.
SS: I garnished it with seaweed on it.
GK: I liked that.
SS: What's the light over there?
GK: Where?
SS: Out there, on the water?
(TR RUSSIAN CALLING, OFF)
GK: It's a submarine.
(TR RUSSIAN CALLING)
SS: He's waving at us. They're sending a dinghy ashore.
GK: Looks like our ship has come in.
SS: Should we tell the others?
GK: No. It'll be a good experience for them.
SS: You know where I've always wanted to go?
GK: Where?
SS: Nicaragua.
GK: You're kidding. That's where I'm from.
SS: From Nicaragua?
GK: Yes--
Y volver, volver, volver
A tus brazos otra vez
Llegare hasta donde estes
Yo se perder, yo se perder
Quiero volver, volver, volver
(THEME)
TR: The Great Lakes...in the middle of North America...and yet every year sailors are caught in a big storm and suddenly, they're STRANDED IN THE HEARTLAND.