GK: Our sound effects man Mr. Fred Newman made his fortune here in Cincinnati-- for years he was a wannabe actor in New York doing what actors do --
FN: Our seafood special this evening is a braised halibut lightly drenched with jasmine and served on a bed of small round stones.
GK: And then the lust for fame and money hit him hard, so he planned to go to Hollywood and become a movie star. He got himself a spray tan (PFFFFT) and went to the dentist and got his teeth capped (CAPS) and he got Botox injected into his forehead and into his eyeballs (SHOT, SHOT) and he got a butt lift (SFX) and the pectoral implants (SFX SFX) and he got his hair dyed pure white (SPLORT, HAIR DRYER) and he learned to surf (SEAGULLS, SURF) and he went swimming with dolphins (SFX) to get himself centered (DOLPHIN MANTRA) and he went on a raw food diet, eating nothing but carrot juice (BLENDER) and assorted macrobiotic things (BIG CRUNCHING) and he went to yoga (SITAR) and he joined a meditation circle (GROUP CHANTING) and he worked up an audition number, a song from --Jesus Christ Superstar----
FN (SINGS)
GK: And he packed his suitcase (CLICKS) and he took that long bus ride (BUS EXHALES) across the country to California (FN SINGS: Cal-i-FOR-nia!) except he got off the bus early because he didn't have the full fare and he found himself in (FN SINGS: Cin-cin-AT-i) and he went for a walk, carrying his cardboard suitcase (TRAFFIC PASSING) and he was new to town and you know how it is if you step off a curb you didn't know was there? He did that. (BIG LURCH, OHHHH, CRUNCH) And the caps fell off his teeth (SFX) leaving small sharp fangs in his mouth, like a raccoon's, and his pectoral implants slid to a weird place (SFX) and his butt fell back down (SFX) and just then his cell phone rang (RING, PICKUP)
FN (WOMAN): Hello? Bob?
FN: No, this is Fred.
FN (WOMAN): Oh. I thought this was Bob.
FN: I'm sorry. I just got here. And I stepped wrong off a curb and my pectoral implants slid down and the caps on my teeth fell off so I look like a feral animal.
FN (WOMAN): Wow. That is so fascinating.
FN: Anyway, I'm not Bob.
FN (WOMAN): It doesn't matter. I like your voice.
FN: You do?
FN (WOMAN): I love your voice. Do you sing?
FN: Do I sing? (HE SINGS)
GK: And that's how it happened. They met at a coffeeshop (ESPRESSO) and she was gorgeous, of course, lithe and blue-eyed and fair-skinned, a princess, but she loved sound effects and Fred did all of his best ones for her, his submarine effects (SFX) and his weed whacker (SFX) and his bazooka (SFX) and she put her hand on his arm and he did his rooster (SFX) and he did his rockets (SFX) and he asked her what she did, and she said--
FN (WOMAN): Well, my family makes soap.
GK: Proctor was her name. Patty Proctor. And it was love love love (SAXOPHONE) and they were married (
FN: I do, O boy you bet I do.) and went to live on a 10,000 acre estate on the Ohio River -- (FOX HORN. --TALLY HO-- HORSES HOOVES. FOXHOUNDS. FOX HORN) -- and whenever they wanted to go to town, there was the Lamborghini (SFX) or a helicopter (SFX) and they'd come in to Riverbend to see the horses run (SFX) and ride the rides (ROLLER COASTER) and that's how we met Fred. He came to a show here and our old sound-effects man had a terrible cold. (SFX) And Fred stepped in and he did it all, the giant condor (SFX) and the copier (SFX) and the flushing toilet (SFX) -- whoops, you just flushed a condor down the toilet-- get it out (SFX) -- that's all there was to it. Mr. Fred Newman.