GK: ......back after a word from Vicissitude Books about a brand-new book from Fred Newman, "Using Change Creatively"-- Fred.
FN: Thank you. So many people these days are afraid of change but you don't have to be if you buy my book, U.C.C. "Using Change Creatively" -- every crisis is an opportunity and one door closes and another opens. In the book I describe how I, Fred Newman, rose from life on a Georgia sharecropper's farm (PIG. SS: Git that hog out of the bed, he don't belong there. Git. PIG SQUEAL) to a life of power and privilege in Manhattan (TR FRENCH MURMURS) all by using change creatively. Let's say you're going along doing a job you've done pretty well for 35 years.
GK: Let's bring up Pat Donohue to do a song for you now, it's a song we've heard many times (FADES UNDER)
FN: And then when you least expect it, change comes crashing down on you.
SS: Mr. Wyler?
GK: Yes?
SS: Come into my office, please.
GK: But I'm on the air -- I'm doing the show.
SS: No, you're not, Mr. Wyler.
GK: I'm not??
SS: Fred is doing the show.
GK: Fred Newman? Since when?
SS: Since now.
GK: Fred Newman hosting my show--
SS: It's Fred's show now.
FN (SINGS):
I introduce the guests, I sing and talk
And then I do a lovely monologue
Ratings are way up from a year ago
I host the show, I host the show.
(TALKS) Hey, welcome to the Newman Home Companion..... Fred here..... great to see you...... and thanks for all the cards and letters. Wow. I feel the love coming.....I feel it....
SS: Wow-- he's such a natural. Why didn't we make this change a long time ago?
TR: The other guy, what's his name-- he just didn't have this warmth.....this charm.....
SS: And Fred-- a mere Sound Effects Man for years -- and now, a star--
(CHORDS)
FN: At first, when change hits you, you're in denial--
GK: (REVERB) No'no----no.
FN: You try to bargain with the universe.
GK: God, if you will just smite Fred Newman and give me back what's rightfully mine-- please-- I'll be good forever. I promise.
FN: And of course it backfires...... (THUNDER AND LIGHTNING)
GK: No! Not my home, God! Fred's house. The big one in the gated community. Not my house. (CRIES OFF, AND SIREN APPROACHING) (MUSIC)
FN: And you find yourself in a new career situation that you never expected--
GK: May I see your tickets, please?
TR: It's row D, seats 1 and 2--
GK: That's the 8th row from the front--
SS: Row D is eighth?
GK: There's AA BB CC DD and then A B C and D'it's the 8th--
TR: How much are the seats in the first four rows?
GK: Two hundred bucks.
SS: Two hundred bucks to see A Prairie Home Companion?
GK: It's with Fred Newman now.
TR: Oh. Well, that makes sense. Okay, thanks. (BRIDGE)
FN: You're not happy down there, looking up at what once was yours. But then you read my book Using Change Creatively and you decide to be positive. You decide to smile and put yourself out there--
GK: May I see your tickets please and would you like to buy a bottle of water?
SS: No, thanks.
GK: Also have copies of my memoir of 35 years hosting the show?
SS: It looks rather thin.
GK: Well, I only wrote about the happy memories. -- you're in seats 5 and 6-- right there--
SS: Well-- Jim couldn't come so I have an extra ticket. --He died this morning. On the golf course. -- No, it's all right. I'm over it. Would you like to use it?
GK: Well, sure. Why not?
FN: So you sit down in a $200 seat beside this attractive mature woman as the show begins--
(HE SINGS)
Oh hear that lovely saxophone from down the avenue
(FN SAX)
It tells the world that it's time for me and you--
(FN SAX)
SS: It's beautiful, isn't it.
GK: In its own way, it is.
FN (SINGS):
My vast attractive audience -- average age, just 24.
A real live human, me, Fred Newman, the man who gives you more, more, more.
SS: He reminds me of my late husband.
GK: Oh. What did he do?
SS: He sort of clutched at his chest and said, Oh no, I'm having a heart attack.
GK: No, before that.
SS: Oh. He was a banker. Left me a billion dollars in toxic assets which the Treasury Department just bought so I'm sitting on top of a gold mine. Would you mind if I put my arm around you?
GK: I think that'd be okay.
SS: There's something so warm and personable about you.
GK: Oh? Then why was I fired?
SS: You were never meant to perform. You're a private person. A beautiful private person. And you were meant to be with me. Just me.
GK: Why didn't I figure that out before?
SS: You were fired and it was the best thing that ever could've happened.
GK: Wow. Whatever you say. (BRIDGE)
FN: And that's what happens when you use change creatively -- and meanwhile, I, Fred Newman, am left to cope with the terrible pressures of success, the constant demands on my time--
TR: The Times interview is waiting, Fred. Harry Reid is on the phone. The photographer from Vogue is here.
FN: Never a moment to myself. Oh well'It's all there in my book, Using Change Creatively-- how does my hair look?
SS: You're absolutely stunning.
GK: Using Change Creatively, it's at your booksellers now, from Fred Newman and the Vicissitude Press.