(PHONE RINGS, 3X, PICKUP)
GK: Hello?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane, honey, is that you?
GK: Hi mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I didn't catch you at a bad time, did I Duane?
GK: (SIGH) It's fine.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Fine? You don't sound fine.
GK: I'm fine, mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You sound like me calling makes you want to lay your head on a railroad track or something, so I'm just going to hang up now. Goodbye.
GK: Mom'don't hang up.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Oh, now he wants to talk to me.
GK: You called me, mom. I assume there's something you wanted to talk about.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I only called to see if you wanted to come to Mother's Day brunch. If you can imagine such a thing.
GK: Mom, I was going to call you about brunch--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): It's like throwing your own surprise birthday party, Duane. It's a sad thing but nobody else is gonna do it for you. So you just gotta brace up and do it yourself. Push through the pain.
GK: We can have brunch over here, okay? I was just going to go to the store.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): And when were you going to call me, huh? Maybe at midnight tonight?
GK: I was just about to call you. To see what you wanted.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Mother's Day is tomorrow, Duane. Tomorrow.
GK: I'm aware of that--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Listen, I can't talk about this right now. I'm just too upset. So here, you should talk to your father.
GK: Does he want to talk to me?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Of course he wants to talk to you Duane, he always wants to talk to you.
GK: Okay, it's just that--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): (OFF) Hank! Hank! (TR MUMBLES, OFF) It's Duane, Hank. He's on the phone. (TR MUMBLES, OFF). He wants to talk to you about Mother's Day. (TR MUMBLES, OFF)
GK: Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Now you just hang on here, Duane, here's your father.
(WIPING OFF RECIEVER, A BEAT)
TR (MUFFLED, ON PHONE): Hello.
GK: Hi dad.
TR (MUFFLED, ON PHONE): Hello son.
(A BEAT)
GK: You doing okay?
TR (MUFFLED, ON PHONE): I'm fine. You?
GK: Sure. I'm good.
TR (MUFFLED, ON PHONE): That's good.
(A BEAT)
GK: You sound kind of muffled, dad.
TR (MUFFLED, ON PHONE): I'm wearing a surgical mask.
GK: A surgical mask.
TR (MUFFLED, ON PHONE): It's for the swine flu.
GK: Oh. Right. You wearing that all the time then?
TR (MUFFLED, ON PHONE): Yep. Except when I eat.
GK: Good.
TR (MUFFLED, ON PHONE): Anyway I'll give you back to your mother.
GK: Bye dad. Good talking to you.
TR (MUFFLED, ON PHONE, OFF): Here's Duane.
SS (MIDWESTERN, OFF): What, already? (TR MURMURS, OFF) Just give me the phone then, give it to me--(FUMBLES WITH PHONE) Duane? Are you still there honey?
GK: I'm here mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well the toilet's clogged now.
GK: What's wrong?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): It must have been someone before me.
GK: I don't need to know this, mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You know how sometimes it seems like the bowl is empty, but there's something just down the pipe, and there's no way you could know about it.
GK: Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Until you flush and then it's too late and all your stuff comes up. (SNIFFLES) It's just too late, Duane.
GK: Mom--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): And it's coming right up to the edge and you look around for a plunger but there isn't one there--
GK: Mom'are you okay? Mom, just take it easy, okay?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I can't take it anymore, Duane. I just can't take it anymore.
GK: Take what, mom? What are we even talking about?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I'm talking about the pressure, Duane. The stress. The silence. Mother's Day and I don't hear a word from you.
GK: I'm writing a novel. A novel.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well good for you Duane but I don't have to take it anymore. So you know what, Duane, don't come over for Mother's Day.
GK: I was just about to invite you to my place--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I'm throwing my own Surprise Mother's Day party, and surprise, you're not invited.
GK: Mom, come on.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I'll go ahead and make the ham frisbees and the meatloaf surprise and jell-o bake and all those favorites of yours, and you don't have to be there for any of it. I'll send you pictures.
GK: Mom, I just said you should come over--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): But you know who hasn't deserted me, Duane? Our Lord and Savior -- he is preparing a place for me in heaven.
GK: Oh, please, Mother.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Please is right, Duane. That's what I said to him. Please O Lord prepare me a space. For there is no space for me here on earth.
GK: Mom, just take a breath. Mom, I'm coming over for Mother's Day, all right?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): (SNIFFLES) No you're not. You're not.
GK: I am, mom. Surprise. I'll come over. I'm coming mom, and I'm bringing my new girlfriend. Okay?
(A BEAT)
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE, SHARPER): Your new girlfriend?
GK: Sylvia. Okay? You'll like her.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well honey then just never mind, clearly you're busy.
(A BEAT, NOSE BLOW, OFF)
GK: You don't want us to come?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I want you to do what you want to do, and if you're busy with Sylvia, then don't worry about coming over.
GK: We'll be there at two o'clock.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You think she likes ham Frisbees?
GK: I'm sure she does.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): This isn't an imaginary girlfriend is it?
GK: Nope.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I can make sushi-- Thai food-- spaghetti-- whatever you like.
GK: Just ham Frisbees and chicken fritters.
SS: Okay then. Well, I better run.
GK: Okay.
SS: Bye now.
GK: Bye now.