(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions----Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(PIANO UNDER AND OUT)
GK: It was May and through an odd set of circumstances I found myself in Durham, North Carolina. I was walking down the street toward the Shropshire Arms apartments there in St. Paul when a woman spoke to me out of the shadows--
SS (SOUTHERN): Hi. How you? Come on over here, honey, I want to show you something.
GK: And then she was pressing a chloroform-soaked hanky to my nose--(SS (SOUTHERN): Goodnight, sweetheart.) and then I was in the back seat of a Mercedes with a big guy named Al (FN DEEP: You just make real nice, mister, and nobody gets hurt, okay? Good.) and then I was aboard a small jet plane (JET TAKEOFF. TR PILOT ON INTERCOM: Tango two-one-Zebra on a South-Southeast heading oh-five-niner to Raleigh-Durham. Over.) and then I was in a pickup truck with some dogs (COON DOGS) and then I was in an elevator going down down down (SFX) deep into a subbasement somewhere. (FOOTSTEPS) --- Hey, it smells like magnolias down here.
FN (DEEP): Here. (DOOR OPEN) In there. (FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Mr. Noir, I am Dr. Tonin. Sara Tonin. This is my assistant, Bud Phelps.
TR: Hi there.
SS: I'm the head of research here at Triangle Biotech we are working on a top-secret project here.
GK: So I am in custody right now.
SS: You are.
GK: Not allowed to leave.
TR: I'm afraid not.
GK: And what if I attempt to escape?
SS: You'd be a fool to try.
TR: We've implanted a tiny DNA capsule in your left armpit that if I activate it with this radio transmitter here will change your gender in 36 hours.
GK: That transmitter there in your hand.
TR: This one. Yes.
GK: You flick that switch with your finger and you can turn me into a woman.
SS: Yes.
GK: How old a woman?
SS: A woman your age.
GK: Guess I better not scratch my armpit.
TR: Good thinking.
GK: Well, it sounds like you've got me. What's going on?
SS: We have developed a new kind of tobacco, genetically manipulated using the DNA of the magnolia tree, to produce a protein compound called Expandulate, which when it gets into the air sacs of the lungs, or the alveoli, stimulates them to absorb more oxygen thus supercharging the metabolism and actually producing a kind of photosynthesis in the human body.
TR: In other words, when you smoke this tobacco, it makes you healthier and stronger and it's good for the environment.
SS: Green cigarettes.
TR: You take in CO2 and you breathe out O2. You're filtering the air.
GK: You've tested this out? With humans?
SS: Yes, indeed. One of our smokers was just elected president.
TR: And now we're getting ready to announce this great discovery to the world.
GK: There's going to be a lot of money made here, I suppose.
SS: This is going to make Durham and Raleigh and Winston-Salem the richest cities in America.
GK: So what do you want me to do? You're going to have to change all these non-smoking laws.
SS: We can deal with that later. Right now we need you to find the formula. For green tobacco.
GK: Find the formula--
SS: It's gone, Mr. Noir. (STING) It was written on a piece of rice paper that we kept in this safe. (BIG DOOR CREAKING)
TR: Came in yesterday and it had disappeared.
GK: You didn't put it in your computer?
TR: There are hackers out there who would've stolen it in minutes. Writing it on rice paper was safer.
GK: But who--
SS: Who'd take it?
TR: Anybody.
SS: We're sitting on top of a multi-trillion dollar product , Mr. Noir. A cigarette that can save the world. (STING AND UNDERSCORE)
GK: You look around Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill and everything is so green and pleasant and cheery, it doesn't look as if there could be any crime at all, just air conditioners running (SFX) and water sprinklers (SFX) and dogs running through and getting soaked and shaking themselves (SFX) and kids feeding popcorn to the seagulls (SFX) and everywhere you go, very polite people (
FN:--Thank you, M'am.-- Thank you. No, thank you. No, thank you!) But I scouted around after dark, and down there (TRAIN WHISTLE) by the railroad tracks I saw a little roadhouse with a neon sign that said Bob's Barbecue and a dog outside on a chain (DOG) and a man playing the blues on a guitar made from a toilet seat (SFX) -- I walked inside (SCREEN DOOR OPEN) and it was so dark all I could see was the jukebox which was playing a Willie Nelson song (TR WILLIE SINGS: You better not come in here, you better get on the road again, on the road again) and there at the bar was a gentleman who looked like he didn't quite belong in the South.
TR (RICO): Well, looky looky looky, if it isn't Guy Noir, P.I., which in your case stands for Pretty Ignorant.
GK: Hey Rico, nice to see you. When did they let you out?
TR (RICO): My lawyer got me out. And I'm gonna stay out. Cause I never done it. But just to make sure, I'm leavin the country, Noir. Heading for the Bahamas. Waiting for a jet plane to come take me away. White beaches and beautiful women for me from now on.
GK: Kind of expensive in the Bahamas for a small-time grifter like you, isn't it, Rico?
TR (RICO): Ha. I got all the money a man could ever want, so jinx on you, Noir. Here, lemme buy you a drink-- barkeep! Gimme your best bourbon!
GK: And he pulled a twenty out of his pocket and a little slip of paper flew up in the air (SFX) and I got it in my hand--
TR (RICO): What was that you got?
GK: Got a fly, Rico.
TR (RICO): Lemme see him.
GK: Whoops dropped him on the floor.
TR (RICO): Where? I don't see him. (KONK) Ohhhhhhh.
GK: Rico lay down for a little nap and I put the slip of paper in my pocket just as a man came in the door
(FAST FOOTSTEPS) --
FN (SOUTHERN): Rico?
GK: That's Rico on the floor, I'm his partner Guido.
FN (SOUTHERN): What happened to Rico?
GK: He just got tired and lay down.
FN (SOUTHERN): Well, I'm here to make him an offer.
GK: He told me to expect you.
FN (SOUTHERN): Should I talk to you?
GK: You're talking to me.
FN (SOUTHERN): So you know what we're talking about?
GK: We're talking about a new strain of green tobacco made from magnolia DNA that's good for you.
FN (SOUTHERN): Okay. Just want to make sure we're on the same page. Let me tell you where I'm coming from. I represent the alumni of the University of North Carolina and I'm prepared to make you a very nice offer but before I do, I want to tell you one thing: if you sell this to Duke, we will rip the heart out of your chest and feed it to gerbils.
GK: Well, I probably will be a woman by then, and I doubt that you'd do that to a woman.
SS: Hi there. I'm here to see Rico.
GK: That's him on the floor, I'm his partner Guido.
SS: Then you know what I'm here for.
FN (SOUTHERN): Beat it, Doris.
SS: I'm not talking to you, Tarheel.
FN (SOUTHERN): I got here first.
SS: I don't even see you, Tarheel. You don't exist. -- I'm from Duke University, sir, don't pay any attention to this peabrain --
FN (SOUTHERN): Why you---
GK: What is it with you people? What's all this ill feeling about?
FN (SOUTHERN): University of North Carolina has been here in Chapel Hill since 1789. They built Duke in 1924 and spent a lot of money on stone buildings to look old and they built a wall around it so people will think they're special.
SS: We built Duke in 1924 because we thought it was time North Carolina had a real university and not a remedial high school.
FN: Remedial high school!
SS: This whole ridiculous rivalry comes down to a simple fact. Duke is a better school. Ask anybody who isn't from North Carolina. It's better in every way.
FN: Ha!!
SS: What do you know?
FN (SOUTHERN): I used to have a son. He was flunking out of North Carolina so he transferred to Duke. I said, --Son, you put on that big D, you're no longer related to me.-- He got straight A's at Duke -- but unfortunately he became a hopeless drunk and got syphilis and he died from eating improperly prepared barbecue.
SS: That is a lie, sir.
FN (SOUTHERN): Absolute gospel truth. At Duke they know nothing about barbecue whatsoever.
SS: That is nothing but a lie.
FN (SOUTHERN): You calling me a liar?
SS: I believe I just did. At UNC they wouldn't know barbecue from a meatball sandwich. They fry their barbecue in ketchup. That's what they call sauce. It's ketchup. They get it out of a bottle. It comes from up north. Barbecue like that, I wouldn't feed it to my dog.
FN (SOUTHERN): Why you--- (FIGHTING, SCRATCHING, STRUGGLING, FADE INTO BRIDGE)
GK: I headed back to the Triangle Bio-Tech center and Dr. Sara Tonin --
SS: Hi there.
GK: I got back the formula for green tobacco.
SS: I knew you could. Thanks.
GK: Where's Bud Phelps, your assistant?
SS: I sent him away. I don't need him. I need you.
GK: Why are you looking at me like that, Dr. Tonin?
SS: Call me Sara.
GK: What is it? What's going on?
SS: Oh I think you know.
GK: Give me a hint.
SS: Let me take that little DNA pad out of your armpit, first -- (POP) I don't want you to change gender. I like your gender exactly as it is.
GK: Dr. Tonin---
SS: You and I will sell that formula for green tobacco to American Tobacco for six billion dollars, Mr. Noir, and then we'll head for Switzerland and learn French and build us a chalet and live a beautiful life. Here-- our chauffeur Francois. (TR FRENCH) The chopper is waiting at the helipad. (CHOPPER) We'll go to Charlotte and catch the night flight to Paris. We'll be in Lausanne by tomorrow at noon. You and I. Kiss me, you fool. (BRIDGE)
GK: Her fingers crawled up the front of my shirt and made a little detour into my pocket and --
SS: Where is it?
GK: It's not in my pocket?
SS: No!
GK: Maybe the other pocket? Maybe my pants pockets. Maybe my jacket-- (STING)
SS: It's gone.
GK: It can't be gone. It was right here. It must be here.
(BRIDGE) It wasn't there. We went back to Bob's Barbecue and we searched the place (VIOLENT RUMMAGING, BOTTLES, BREAKAGE, WOOD BREAKAGE) and we asked the guy playing the toilet seat-- (SFX) if he'd seen a little slip of rice paper---
FN: One with a lot of numbers on it.
SS: That's it.
FN: I saw it on the ground and I was reaching for it--
SS: Yes???
FN: And Old Blue ate it. (DOG PANTING)
GK: Dr. Tonin stuck her hand down the dog's throat (DOG GAGGING) and she gave him an enema-- (DOG QUESTION) -- an enema-- but it was gone.
(BRIDGE)
GK: And that was the end of green tobacco. I got back out on the highway (SEMIS PASSING AT HIGH SPEED) and stuck out my thumb. Heading north. Caught a ride with a man driving a truck that said Pigmasters. (OLD PICKUP)
TR: Where you headed?
GK: Minnesota.
TR: Me too.
GK: What you got in the truck?
TR: Barbecue.
GK: Smells good.
TR: We smoke it a special way.
GK: How's that?
TR: Magnolia and tobacco and a little whiskey. Help yourself.
GK: Tastes good too. Doesn't make up for losing a billion dollars and a life in Switzerland and the love of a beautiful woman. But it's something.
TR: Yeah. It's something all right.
(THEME)
FN: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye.