(THEME)
MB: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was February and after the temperature got up in the 30s and lifted our hopes, it slammed back down below freezing and broke our hearts. Like a waiter bringing the lobster to your table for a moment and then remembering you're the guy who ordered the peanut butter sandwich. Or like the woman who walked into my office just then. (DOOR OPEN, SLOW HIGH HEEL STEPS, DOOR CLOSE, STEPS, STOP). The sign on the door said come in and she did.
SS: Mr. Noir? I came to see about a lost dog.
GK: I was just hoping somebody would come in about a lost dog. Have a chair, Miss--
SS: Miss Nomer. Naomi Nomer. Do you mind if I take off my coat?
GK: Well, let me sit down first. (PIANO) She was wearing a low-cut black velvet cocktail dress and if it had been cut any lower, it would've been a belt. I could feel my pulse throbbing like the Wurlitzer at the Paramount Theater in Poughkeepsie when they showed Tarzan movies and if there'd been a vine I would've swung on it, but there was just her and me. And that black velvet dress.
SS: You seem interested in my dress, Mr. Noir.
GK: Some people can wear black velvet better than others. But about this dog--
SS: He's a talking dog, Mr. Noir.
GK: A talking dog.
SS: And his name is Earl.
GK: Why a talking dog, Miss Nomer?
SS: Dr. Nomer, actually. I'm an animal geneticist. And we bred Earl as a helper dog.
A dog who could fetch things for folks in wheelchairs and keep them company and also answer the phone.
GK: Interesting.
SS: But instead of a helper, he turned into a nuisance dog.
GK: How so?
SS: Couldn't stop talking. (BRIDGE)
GK: The dog had last been seen at a party at the home of a man named Wussel. So I checked in with him.
MB: That party was two days ago. I haven't seen him since then. Thank goodness.
GK: Didn't care for him?
MB: Had a big attitude, I'll say that.
GK: How so?
MB: Not much of a listener. Talked a blue streak. And you know something?
GK: What?
MB: You meet a dog like that and you're sort of fascinated at first. I mean -- a talking dog -- right? You know?
GK: Uh huh.
MB: And then you realize-- dogs aren't all that smart.
GK: What'd he say?
MB: Mostly he talked about his hair.
GK: What about it?
MB: Didn't like the haircut. And he didn't care for the president's stimulus package. All he could say was, "They're barking up the wrong tree." Over and over.
GK: Where'd the dog go when he left your party?
MB: Beats me. (STING)
GK: Mr. Wussel gave me the names of others who'd been at the party and I visited the Hoopers.
SS: Yeah I remember the dog. My husband talked to him, I didn't.
GK: Why didn't you?
SS: Just not a dog person.
GK: You ever talk to one before?
SS: Never really wanted to, to be frank.
GK: Okay. What'd your husband say about him?
SS: Said he mumbled.
GK: The dog mumbled.
SS: He was hard to understand. (BRIDGE)
GK: The next guy on my list was a fellow by the name of Harper. Hap Harper.
TK: Yeah, I remember Earl.
GK: You talked to him?
TK: Yeah. And we went out for a drink afterward.
GK: Where?
TK: Bar down the street. The Tip-Top Lounge.
GK: Okay. And then?
TK: I forget.
GK: Uh huh. You wouldn't know where he went then?
TK: No idea.
GK: I couldn't help but notice in your backyard a number of liquor bottles in the snow.
TK: Yeah, the neighbor put those there.
GK: Uh huh. Snow melts and it's sort of amazing what you find there.
TK: Oh yeah?
GK: Mittens, a deflated soccer ball, okay, but in your backyard I saw a Water-Pik.
TK: Oh really.
GK: What are you using a Water-Pik in the backyard for?
TK: Guess I just got distracted.
GK: And then I saw an inflatable woman.
TK: Oh yeah?
GK: Saw her leg sticking up out of the snow. She belong to you?
TK: They gave her to me at my social skills class.
GK: Oh yeah?
TK: I had her sitting at my kitchen table so I'd have someone to practice saying please and thank you to. Make conversation with. You know.
GK: So how'd you do in social skills class?
TK: None of your business.
GK: Just a friendly question.
TK: I'm tired of answering your questions.
GK: What made you decide to take a social skills class?
TK: Beat it, okay?
GK: I'm just asking.
TK: And I'm just telling. Beat it.
GK: I guess you dropped out before you got to the unit on hospitality, huh?
TK: Why you-- (THEY SLUG IT OUT, STRUGGLING. CRUNCH OF WOOD. GLASS BREAKAGE. PUNCHING AND REACTIONS. PHONE RING. PICKUP.
TK: I'M BUSY! (HANG UP)
(STRUGGLE CONTINUES)
(DOG BARKS)
(FIGHT STOPS) (HEAVY BREATHING)
(DOG BARKS AGAIN)
TK: I told you to stay in the basement.
MB (DOG): I got thirsty.
TK: I put a water dish down there.
MB (DOG): It spilled.
TK: So drink out of the toilet.
MB (DOG): I don't do that.
GK: Your name Earl?
MB (DOG): Who're you?
GK: Guy Noir, private eye. I'm working for Dr. Naomi Nomer.
MB (DOG): My mom.
GK: Not exactly but --
TK: You don't have to go back there if you don't want to.
GK: Why'd you run away, Earl?
MB (DOG): I just felt I wasn't living up to my full potential. I was being pigeonholed.
GK: And what is your full potential, Earl?
MB (DOG): Well--
TK: You don't have to answer if you don't want to.
MB (DOG): She was all gung-ho about training me to talk. She wanted a talking dog. That was her whole idea.
GK: You didn't go for that?
MB (DOG): I wanted to be a singing dog.
GK: Like, sing what?
MB (DOG): (SINGS)
The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they cant take that away from me.
No, they can't take that away from me.
(BEAT)
TK: He's good. Don't you think?
GK: For a dog.
MB (DOG): I'm just learning!
GK: Look. People are not going to pay a hundred bucks to go to a nightclub and have a couple drinks and listen to a dog sing "You Can't Take That Away From Me". It's just not going to happen. (BRIDGE)
SS: Thanks for locating Earl for me, Mr. Noir.
GK: You're welcome, Dr. Nomer. How's he doing?
SS: He's fine. He's booked into dog shows. He gets to sing, he's happy.
GK: And how's your helper dog program doing?
SS: We're not breeding talking dogs anymore.
GK: No?
SS: No. Too much trouble. A dog is a dog is a dog. What's the point? You tell him to Sit and he wants to know why. So you tell him why. You want him to Sit so he won't be humping your leg. And then he tells you about his feelings for you. Too much information. I don't want to know. You know?
GK: An odd thing for a scientist to say, Dr. Nomer. I don't want to know.
SS: I honestly don't want to know how a dog feels about me. (BRIDGE)
GK: I looked at her, tall, glamorous, elegant, intelligent, as she wrote me a check, and something in me wanted terribly to lie down at her feet and just have her scratch my head, but I wasn't sure she would've gone for it, so I didn't.
(THEME)
MB: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)