GK: Complaint is an art form in Minnesota. We are really excellent complainers and that's why we live here. God made children short so they wouldn't have so far to fall and God put us in Minnesota so we'd have something to talk about.
CHORUS (SINGS):
Here it is another wretched winter day
Terribly depressing and I lie in bed and shiver
Ground is frozen, trees are bare, the sky is gray
And the ice is solid on the river.
O to be in April when the trees are green
Standing by the flowers all the reds and pinks and yellows
With a bunch of people in tank tops and jeans
Who are roasting wieners and marshmallows.
(PIANO EXTEND INTO -- NO APPLAUSE)
GK & PD (SING):
Hello winter my old friend
I don't think you'll ever end
Because on Monday I felt a thaw
And then on Wednesday ha ha ha
And now it's time to get up and get dressed
I'm depressed
I'm in a world of silence
In restless dreams I walked alone
I had no scarf, I had no phone
And visibility was just two feet
And I was losing all my body heat
When my eyes were stabbed by an icicle that fell
Cruel world farewell
It is a world of silence
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people there O yeah
People shovelling people scraping
People thinking of escaping
People thinking things they never dared to say
Let's move away
And leave this world of silence
"Fools," said I, "you do not know
Your mortgages have years to go
And there are no jobs in Tucson
No there's nothing there for you, son
But my words like giant snowflakes blew
And then I knew
It is a world of silence.
GK: Here in Minnesota we don't care so much about the storms, the cold, the snow -- it's the silence that gets hard -- the storms we know how to deal with.
MB (ON RADIO): ...winds gusting to 80 miles an hour, blowing and drifting snow, the Interstate is closed, hundreds of vehicles off the road, thousands are stranded,and the Highway Patrol has issued a bulletin saying don't drive unless absolutely necessary... (CLICK)...
GK: HONEY, YOU NEED ANYTHING IN TOWN?
SS (OFF): YOU GOING INTO TOWN?
GK: YEAH, THOUGHT I'D HEAD IN AND PICK UP SOME PICTURE HOOKS.
SS: Don't we have picture hooks?
GK: I don't think so.
SS: Here. Right under your nose. Picture hooks.
GK: Well, I want to get bigger ones. Those are only good for five pounds. I'm thinking I'd like ten or fifteen.
SS: What are you going to hang on the wall?
GK: I don't know. Maybe a trophy walleye.
SS: You never caught a walleye over three pounds.
GK: Well, I'm going into town for stronger fishline, too.
SS: There's a blizzard, you know.
GK: I know.
SS: Well, if you're going in, would you mind getting me some Milk Duds?
GK: Okay. Anything else?
SS: No, when do you think you might be back?
GK: I donno. Tonight. Or maybe tomorrow morning. (STING AND BRIDGE INTO BEACH BOYS) Why do we get in the car and drive into the blizzard? So we'll have something to tell about. It's for material. Something to complain about.
GK (SINGS):
Wouldn't it be nice if it were summer
And instead of winter it were June
And wouldn't it be nice to live on Fiji
In a house beside a blue lagoon
You know that summer would be so much better
If we could go outdoors without a big ski sweater
GK: And right here is one reason winter lasts so long -- unconsciously, we are postponing spring because, yes, we feel it's too good for us and we don't deserve it -- there is that shame aspect, but also we are holding onto what we know and what we love to complain about and that is winter.
CHORUS (SINGS):
Gaudeamus igitur
God I hate cold temperatures
When the sky is dismal gray
It's a cold abysmal day
It's a boring February
And I'm stuck here on the prairie
I would rather be in L.A.
I would rather be in L.A.
Gaudeamus igitur
I'm unhappy, that's for sure.
In a world of ice and snow
I am feeling rather low.
People skating, people skiing
Which I hate with all my being
I would rather be in Mexico
I would rather be in Mexico.
SHOE BAND GAUDEAMUS WALTZ
GK: But what would you have to complain about in Mexico? Everything you'd say would sound racist or chauvinistic or insensitive. You'd feel like an ugly American, so you'd be trapped in an unnatural politeness. Better to stay home.
CHORUS:
Gaudeamus igitur
I am shoveling cow manure
Insulated pants and vest
Feeling lonely and depressed
Winter -- I have had my quota
Here in northern Minnesota
I would rather be in Key West
I would rather be in Key West
Gaudeamus igitur
More of this I can't endure.
Snow as far as I can see
Nothing but frigidity
I am sick and getting sicker
Thank you, Lord, for drugs and liquor
I would rather be in Maui
I would rather be in Maui
SHOE BAND GAUDEAMUS UPTEMPO
GK: But you wouldn't rather be in Maui. It's paradise and there's nothing to complain about except newcomers and you'd be one of the newcomers. You want to stay in Minnesota where you have winter, newcomers, taxes, Scandinavians, and mosquitoes to complain about. And the greatest of these is winter.
CHORUS (CARMINA):
MINNESOTA
MINNESOTA
IT'S COLDER THAN YOU KNOW WHAT
Minneapolis
Minnesota
I want to sell my condo
A one-bedroom
By the river
I will sell it for half price
It's so cold that
I don't want it
You can have it for free
I need sunshine
I need flowers
I can't live here in the cold
If you live in
San Diego
I will marry you today
San Diego
San Francisco
I will marry you tonight
CHORUS (CONT.):
I don't care if
You're a male or
Female it's okay with me
I can't stand it
It's too cold here
I am waiting for the bus
I am freezing
I am freezing
I can't even feel my face
Here's my carkeys
Here's my housekeys
I am out of here right now
It's a major
Nervous breakdown
It's too cold and I have got to get out of here