(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UNDER.....)
GK: It was October and turning cool in Minnesota and for heat I just turned on the news once in awhile---
TR (ON RADIO): My opponent will tax the shoes off your feet and he has come out in favor of intersections! Imagine it! Right in your neighborhood! Intersections! Your children, forced to cross intersections! (STING)
GK: Me-- I was staying out of politics. Not that I don't have opinions -- I got a lot of them -- but nobody offers to pay me to tell them what I think about the economy -- at least they didn't until I got an urgent phone call last Tuesday morning -- (URGENT RINGING) -- Yeah, Noir here. What can I do for you?
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, please hold for a call from the Secretary of the Treasury.
GK: Is this a joke?
SS (ON PHONE): You hear anybody laughing, Mr. Noir?
GK: I don't. .
SS (ON PHONE): No, you don't. This is the Department of the Treasury. We don't laugh here. This is not the Supreme Court. The Secretary will be with you in just a moment. He's just getting up off his knees right now.
GK: He's on his knees?
SS (ON PHONE): He is kissing Nancy Pelosi's ring and thanking her for passing the bailout package. Here he is now---
TR: Mr. Noir?
GK: Yes, sir.
TR: Hank Paulson here. Listen, I'll get right to the point. Are you on a secure phone?
GK: Pretty secure. I'm holding it tightly in my right hand.
TR (ON PHONE): Good. Listen-- do you know what credit default swaps are?
GK: You're asking me? No. No idea.
TR (ON PHONE): Good. You and me both. Okay-- I want you to find out.
GK: Credit default swaps.
TR (ON PHONE): There's 42 trillion dollars tied up in credit default swaps and I think it's part of what's causing this meltdown in the credit industry. It's like a huge avalanche waiting to roll down the mountain and bury us. Go track it down, Mr. Noir. And report back. The nation is counting on you. (STING, AND UNDER)
GK: If the nation was counting on me, I'm afraid the nation forgot how to count. But no sooner had the Secretary hung up than I got a call from his boss.
TR (BUSH): Hey. Hi there. How's it goin?
GK: In relation to what, Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): Just a friendly question. Got the bailout package passed and we're gonna have a little signing ceremony here in the White House. Pretzels and cheese dip. And I was sorta thinking about singing a song.
GK: Why would you want to do that, Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): I just thought it would sorta cheer people up and get their minds off things.
(SINGS)
When you lose your house and other stuff
When tears are in your eyes,
I will clear your brush
I'm on your side
That's why I'm sent
To be your president.
I will build you a bridge to somewhere
I will lay it down
And that bridge will be very useful
To get out of town.
TR (BUSH): So what do you think?
GK: You know-- with your approval ratings what they are-- why not? It can't hurt.
TR (BUSH): You sound a little stressed-out, Mr. Noir. You know, maybe you're not getting enough sleep. I was reading an article the other day that said that Americans are sleep-deprived and I think it's true -- people come into my office and they're all stressed out and anxious and I tell em-- you need more sleep. I just woke up from a nap and I'm feeling rested and rarin' to go. So what did you call me about?
GK: Just called to say you're doin a heckuva job, Mr. President.
TR (BUSH): I know. Appreciate that. Okay-- good talking to you.
GK: Good talking to you, sir. (BRIDGE) I didn't have money to put gas in the car so I took a cab downtown to the bank where my friend the C.P.A. works who I figured would know about credit default swaps. (CAR PULL AWAY) I looked in the mirror and I noticed that the cab driver was crying. -- Excuse me, sir-- listen -- don't give up. Things are going to get better.
TR (RUSSIAN): I am crying because things ARE better. Thirty years I have been campaigning for socialism. And now -- it has come to pass.
GK: You're a socialist?
TR (RUSSIAN): Years and years I say --- Government Should Take Over The Banks -- people laugh-- and now it happen-- Gyorgy Bushnevsky -- he has done what we only dreamed of.
(UNDER)
GK: I got to the bank and it looked different. The sign said, First National Bank & Tanning Salon. Check Out Our Gift Shop. Unbelievable Bargains in Used Cars and Formerly Occupied Homes. -- I walked in and who should be there to greet me but Alan Greenspan.....
TR (GREENSPAN): Hello. Well, aren't you fortunate. Just by coming into the bank, you've won a free place-setting of deluxe dinnerware including this lovely green goblet. Whoops. (GLASS BREAKAGE) Oh, I am so sorry. I thought you were holding it.
GK: No, you were holding it.
TR (GREENSPAN): Well, I saw you reach for the goblet and based on that observation, I felt we had reached a point at which the goblet had been safely conveyed to you and therefore I relinquished my grip.
GK: Okay, never mind.
TR (GREENSPAN): It was a reasonable analysis on my part, and in any case, we have additional goblets-- (FADE) (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: I headed for the executive offices of First National -- excuse me? Can you tell me where Mr. Rhodes's office is?
TK: (JOWLY GIBBERISH)
GK: This way?
TK: (JOWLY GIBBERISH)
GK: Are you chewing on something?
TK: (JOWLY GIBBERISH)
GK: Okay, thanks. (FOOTSTEPS) The man is a loan officer. No wonder the bank's in trouble. (BRIDGE) I went upstairs past the investment banking department -- (PHONES RINGING) there was some turmoil there-- a lot of calls from jittery investors--
TR & SS & TK (IN RELAYS, ANSWERING PHONES): Everything's okay. Don't panic. It's under control. Hang on and don't sell. (ETC ETC)
GK: Phones jumping around on the desks and the big board on the wall was flashing red lights but when I got up to the executive floor all was calm--- (MOOD PIANO) and there was the office of the only man I know who would know what credit default swaps are, the former dean of the Harvard School of Accounting, Dean Rhodes.
TR: Good to see you, Mr. Noir.
GK: Good to see you, Dean.
TR: I got your phone message asking about credit default swaps. You want to know the plain truth, Mr. Noir?
GK: I don't know. How bad is it?
TR: It's bad. The problem is vocabulary overload. Studies show that the terminology in the finance field has tripled in the past six months. Every day there are new terms, new abbreviations --- SLP, TRM, RBI--
GK: RBI?
TR: Reacquisition Break-Even Inventory.
GK: What does it mean?
TR: We're not sure. It may refer to the annual exclusion of accelerated asymmetric adjustable equity shortfall coverage or it may have to do with accrued renewable fluctuating cumulative commodity amortization seasonally indexed by convertible coefficient compound contingency indicators. And then there's POOP.
GK: What is that?
TR: Provisional Optimal Option Payback.
GK: What does it mean?
TR: It's a load of you know what.
GK: And is there a lot of it?
TR: There's poop everywhere.
GK: How much?
TR: Everywhere. We paid trillions of dollars on poop and now it's worth about what you imagine poop would be worth.
GK: And that's the straight poop?
TR: That's it.
GK: So the system needs a bail-out?
TR: We refer to it as a limited-liability flow-through laxative. A financial prune soup.
GK: Okay. And what's the outcome?
TR: It's gonna be explosive.
GK: And what about the credit default swaps?
TR: I was afraid you were going to ask that.
GK: You don't know?
TR: It can mean a number of different things. It can mean a cyclical shortfall exclusion. It could mean a convertible regression contingency. It could mean a mean-variance expiration barometer.
GK: So you don't really know--
TR: Some might say that it refers to the completion of a risk-adjusted break-even pressure point.
GK: You don't know what it is. Just admit it.
TR: It's an index of relative contingency enhancement.
GK: Credit default swap.
TR: At certain times, it might be a reverse marginal income equivalent.
GK: You're as mystified as anybody else.
TR: Or, one might say, a leveraged hedge against randomized reverse asset allocation. (FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Dean Rhodes?
TR: Yes-- Kristina.
SS: Telephone call for you.
TR: Who is it?
SS: POOP.
TR: Poop?
SS: People Out Of Patience.
TR: Okay. I'll take it in the next room. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: He left the room and I got a look at his desk. A banking guy and there was a page of real-estate ads -- Vancouver, Canada. And a big satchel under the desk. Heavy. I opened it. Gold ingots. And then his phone rang. (SERIES OF RINGS) I looked at the caller ID and it said, International. I though I'd just let it go to voice mail and then I was curious. Vancouver--- gold ingots -- an international call. --- I picked up the phone. Hello-- Dean Rhodes's office. Guy Noir, speaking.
TR (BUSH): Mr. Noir? What you doing there?
GK: What can I do for you, Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): A little late for that, don't you think? Coulda used your offer of help a long time ago.
GK: Where are you calling from, Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): If you really want to know, I'm in China. They're calling in the loan and I gotta work out a deal.
GK: What do they want, Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): I'm not sure. They're talking Chinese to me.
GK: Don't you have a translator?
TR (BUSH): No. They just keep talking Chinese like they expect me to understand.
GK: Ask for a translator.
TR (BUSH): How do you say, "Give me a translator" in Chinese?
GK: Are you alone there?
TR (BUSH): Me and Cheney are here. They put us to work picking kumkuats. Gotta work off some of this debt.
GK: They paying you in dollars or yen?
TR (BUSH): They're paying us in swaps. Credit default swaps.
GK: Ask to be paid in yen, Mr. President.
TR (BUSH): How do I say that?
GK: Try Google.
TR (BUSH): Who's she?
GK: Never mind. Listen-- the economy's basically sound. You're gonna be okay. And tomorrow's a brand-new day. So let a smile be your umbrella.
TR (BUSH): I look not that sweet when I smile.
GK: Then you've got nothing to lose.
TR (BUSH): That's true. I'll give it a try
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)