GK: It's summer (BIRDS, TENNIS, VOICES) and you go along for weeks ignoring the date that's marked on your calendar and then inevitably the day comes--
(OVERLAPPING)
PANIC, DOG BARKING
RUNNING FEET (TR: Let's go!)
SS: Where are my shoes!
FN (WOMAN): Let me fix that. (SEWING MACHINE)
SS: What are you doing?
TR: Where's the car keys???
(RIP)
(RUNNING FEET)
TR: Let's go!
SS: Don't do that!
FN (WOMAN): Stand still! (BIG HAIRSPRAY)
TR: Where's the car keys?
SS: Look what you've done!!!
(DOG BARKING,GLASS BREAKAGE)
FN (WOMAN): You look lovely.
SS: I look hideous! (WEEPING)
TR: Let's go!
GK: And so you head off to church for your wedding and St. Alban's is packed with all of your parents' friends and some people you know and before you know it, you're going down the aisle
JS (SINGS):
Why am I here?
Who is this man?
Why is he dressed up and holding my hand?
He's the wrong guy
He's not the one
Pick up your dress, turn around, girl, and run
Run down the aisle and jump in the car
Fly off to Paris or Zanzibar
Return the presents and give back the money
Throw out this loser, find a real honey
Find that dark stranger whom you adore
You saw him last week in the grocery store.
GK (SINGS):
Why does she cry?
I wish she'd stop.
I'm not bad looking and I have a job.
Don't have bad breath,
I'm not on drugs.
Height weight proportionate and wearing a tux.
TR: DEARLY BELOVED--..WE ARE GATHERED HERE--..(DRONES ON, GIBBERISH)
GK: It's hot in the church and your husband to be is perspiring. (BREATHING, DRIPS) And your mother-in-law to be is sobbing in the front pew (SOBBING, QUIET) and your uncle Lester starts speaking in tongues (TONGUES) and panic rises in your breast--..
SS: Oh my God. Mistake. Big mistake. What am I doing? My life is over-get me out of here-
GK & JS (SING):
It's not so bad
It could be worse
It's better than coming to church in a hearse.
Just say the words
That must be said
And afterward we will go off to bed.
GK: And then in the fourth row on the groom's side of the church (INFANT CRYING) -- a tiny child expresses your feelings exactly -- the minister is talking about commitment and fidelity but the child is expressing the tragedy of life (INFANT INTO SECOND GEAR) and here you are, you had a perfectly good life and then you got on the wrong one-way street and you couldn't get off (INFANT IN THIRD GEAR) and the baby is taken out of church (INFANT FADING, THEN BIG DOOR SLAMS) and the minister looks at your groom--
TR: Brad, do you have the ring?
GK: And he has the ring and then he doesn't have it. (RING FALLS, ROLLS, LONG ROLL) It rolls down the aisle all the way and there-- (STOP ROLL)
FN: I've got it.
GK: It's picked up by a handsome man in a white tuxedo.
SS (INTAKE OF BREATH)
(FOOTSTEPS)
GK: And he brings it up the aisle and he takes you by the arm--and he says to your groom--
FN: I'll take it from here, pal.
GK: And there he is, beside you. (SS SIGH OF PLEASURE)
FN (SINGS):
I am the man you met online last week.
I just flew in, my home's on Martinique.
I'm rich and famous, I'm a singer and
I'll be your man, my name is Dan.
TR (MINISTER): O Lord who art holy in all things, bring us joy on this joyous day--..
FN: Cut it short, padre.
TR: (FAST FORWARD)
GK: And the rings go on (POP, POP)
SS: I DO!
FN: I DO TOO!
(BIG SMACKER)
(MUSIC)
GK & JS (SING):
Here comes the bride and groom
Make room, out of the way, clear the decks.
We're going to cut the cake,
And then hit the road and have sex.
We're taking off these clothes
And we'll have a glass of wine
And we'll jump between the sheets
And we will intertwine.
So here comes the bride and groom
We're walking fast and that's why
We're going to have some sex
So thanks for the gifts and goodbye.