(PHONE RINGS, 3X, PICKUP)
GK: Hello?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane honey is that you?
GK: Hi mom.
SS: So? (A BEAT)
GK: So...What, mom?
SS: Anything you want to tell me?
GK: About what?
SS: You know what.
GK: Give me a hint.
SS: Lorraine. Your date with Lorraine, honey.
GK: Oh. Her.
SS: What do you mean-- "Oh. Her"? What does that mean, Duane?
GK: It just didn't click, mother.
SS: "Didn't click" -- what does that mean? She didn't throw herself into your arms?
GK: The chemistry just wasn't there.
SS: Well. Maybe not yet it wasn't.
GK: You don't want to start low, mother. Your supposed to spring out of the gates.
SS: Chemistry changes, Duane. Don't jump to conclusions. I started out thinking your dad was sort of dull and after we'd been married awhile, you know, maybe 25 years --- the chemistry changes, believe me.
GK: Okay, but it was just sort of awkward, okay?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): She is a successful businesswoman-she owns her own home -- her mother and I were best friends in high school. We were in Job's Daughters. We played in the Job's Daughters Drum and Bugle Corps.
GK: I know, and I'm sure she's perfectly nice, but it just didn't work out, okay?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): "Didn't work out"???? Honey, you have to make these things work out. It takes two to tango. You have to compromise. Meet some body halfway.
GK: I'm sure she's lovely. It's not that--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well, what am I going to tell Helen-
GK: (SIGH)
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Tell me what's wrong. Please. Talk to me.
GK: There just were no sparks. And her hair smelled like disinfectant.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): It what?!?
GK: You know that flea and tick shampoo we used to use on Barsker?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): So you got close enough to smell her hair. Does that mean you kissed her?
GK: Mother-
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You kissed her and then you rejected her because she uses the wrong conditioner. Oh for pity sakes.
GK: Mom, I shook hands with her at the end of the evening and I could smell it. That's all.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well I'll tell her mom to tell her to use a different conditioner. How about you go to a drugstore and pick out a conditioner you like and I'll take it over there myself?
GK: Mother, please.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Avocado? Peppermint? Coconut? What? Mango?
GK: Mom, everytime she agreed with me, she said, "Well, you and I are on the same page there."
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well so what?
GK: She said it like fifty times.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): What's wrong with being on the same page?
GK: She kept talking about "at the end of the day, the bottom line is such and such--" over and over--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane, if I had divorced your father every time he used a cliche, the lawyer bills would be in the billions. The billions.
GK: Oh, please.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Helen is going to be heartbroken. That poor little girl, Lorraine-
GK: That little girl is 48 years old--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): She is in love with you, Duane.
GK: She is not.
SS: She has been pining for you for decades.
GK: I never met her until yesterday.
SS: She's heard so much about you. And when she saw you at last, she just went to pieces over you.
GK: She didn't seem to--
SS: She was nervous. Maybe that's what made her smell that way. Her scalp was perspiring.
GK: Mom, it's okay-- it just didn't work out--
SS: Why are you so filled with hate, Duane? Why?
GK: Mother--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You're just going to have to talk to your dad for a second, Duane, because I can't handle it. You are just so angry-
GK: I'm angry-
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE, OFF): Hank! Hank! (TR MURMURS) Come talk to Duane, Hank. (TR MURMURS) No on the phone. He's on the phone. (TR MURMURS) That was a week ago, Hank. (TR MURMURS) Just pick up the phone, Hank, cause I gotta go walk around the house for a second. (FUMBLING, A BEAT)
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Hello.
GK: Hi dad.
(A BEAT)
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): So.
(A BEAT)
GK: So things are good there?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Oh yeah. Just watching the neighbor's dog take a dump on our lawn.
GK: The Munson's dog?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Yep.
GK: Go out and shoo him away, Dad.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Can't. Mr. Munson is standing right there.
GK: He's standing right there letting the dog poop in your lawn?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Looking the other way. Guess he doesn't see it.
GK: Dad, go out there and stop it.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Too late. Just gonna let it happen.
GK: Dad--
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Just gonna go out there with a shovel later and move it to their lawn. Maybe put it in the mailbox.
GK: Dad, you can't put it in the mailbox. That's a federal offense.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Yeah, well-- how are they gonna know?
GK: Good luck with that, dad.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Thanks. (SCREEN DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) So anyway here's your mom-
GK: Bye dad--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE, OFF): Give me the phone, Hank-just give it to me-(ON PHONE) Duane, honey-you still there?
GK: Still here mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane, I thought about it during my walk and I think you should give Lorraine another chance.
GK: Mom, please--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Just one more date, honey. Do something fun. Take her to the zoo or something.
GK: Mom--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane, a fire does not start by itself.
GK: Mother, she's boring. Okay? She's full of cliches and she's boring.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Oh my! Boring! "She's boring"! Who made you Mister Fascination? Huh?
GK: Mom--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well, that was the last personal favor I am ever going to ask of you, Duane. I'll write that down on a piece of paper and have it notarized if you'd like. That was the last one.
GK: Mother--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You and your constant rejection and you're so angry and there's just nothing I can do about it Duane, nothing at all.
GK: You're right mom, there isn't.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): So I'm just going to stop trying now, Duane. It's over.
GK: Good.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I'm just some old lady who calls up and babbles. You should put me in a home.
GK: Mom, please.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): It's your life and I should know by now not to interfere. I should just take a sharp knife and cut my tongue out of my mouth.
GK: (SIGH) Mom.
SS: And you could keep the tongue, Duane. --Put it in a jar and keep it as a reminder that words hurt, honey.
GK: Oh please.
SS: I'll have no use for it because I'll be dead, Duane. Bled to death. Out the mouth.
GK: Can I call you later, mom?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I just have one final final request, Duane, and that is that you invite some people to my funeral who liked me. You don't have to attend, but if you could invite some people who thought I was special, that would be nice. I know that you'd just as soon throw me into a trash compactor. But I'd like you to (BREAKS DOWN) invite Lorraine to my funeral. And tell her that I wanted her for my daughter-in-law and I am so sorry that her conditioner was wrong but that I loved her just the way she was.
GK: Mom, we're going to take some deep breaths now.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): But you probably won't do that -- you probably won't tell anyone I'm dead. You'll just throw me in the compacter and walk away as the smoosher comes down Duane.
GK: Mom-let's go to a happy place, okay?
SS: And you can scoop me out and use me as mulch, Duane. For your garden.
GK: Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Because I'm biodegradable, Duane. My rotting entrails will make your begonias bloom. And then maybe you'll be happy, Duane, finally. My rotting carcass will make you happy. (SOBS)
GK: Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): What?
GK: I'll call up Lorraine and ask her for lunch.
(SNIFFLING)
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You will?
GK: If that'll make you feel better, I will.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): It's not about me, honey, it's about you. It's about you and your happiness and I would die for your happiness, honey, I would.
GK: Okay mom. I know. Thanks. I'll call her right away.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): And if you want to take her to the Regal Pie Room on Sunday at one o'clock, there's a reservation in your name.
GK: What!!??!
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well if you don't want to I can cancel it, and they'll charge my credit card but I don't mind.
GK: Mom--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): It's no bother. We're on a tight budget but we could cut back on medications this week.
GK: Okay, I'll take Lorraine to the Regal Pie Room, one o'clock, okay?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I'm so glad you're looking forward to it, Duane.
GK: I am.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I can hear the excitement in your voice.
GK: Good.
SS: And I'm gonna run out and buy her some nice shampoo. Something with that Awapuhi stuff in it.
GK: Mom, don't do that. Please.
SS: Sometimes, Duane, I know what you really want better than you know it yourself. You know that?
GK: Thanks for calling, mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Bye now honey, love you.
GK: Love you mom.