(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building-one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: I was in Chicago at an ad agency called Lake Effects which was working on a campaign to draw more European visitors to the city and they called me in because for some reason they thought I was French. (LIGHT BRIDGE)
TR: Windy City, Second City, City of the Big Shoulders --it just isn't us anymore -- we need to rebrand outselves --did you know that 44% of Chicagoans now eat pizza with a knife and fork? It's true -- so we're moving on -- or as you French might say-- (FRENCH PHRASE)
GK: Please. My English is just fine.
SS: I mean, it's like -- big shoulders went out in the eighties. We're going for a slender look now. Elegance.
TR: We want people, when they hear the name Chicago, to think-"that's the place with the great tossed salads."
FN: The city where people really know a lot about white wine.
SS: Less wind, less big shoulders and more ballet. What do you think, Monsieur Noir?
GK: Well, it's an interesting idea.
FN: This is our new ad campaign.
SS: It's called "Lady On the Lake" --
(KOTO MUSIC)
TR (ANNC): Chicago--..the moon hangs in the evening sky as cicadas sing in the willows and the fragrance of green tea drifts across the shimmering pond----
SB (SINGS):
It's a potpourri, a melange, a farrago
It's Chicago.
GK: Interesting. So would this--
TR: Here's another approach here.
SS: Watch this.
(BIRDS)
SS (ANNC): Lincoln Park in the afternoon-- people of many nations (TR ITALIAN, THEN RUSSIAN, THEN ARABIC) gather to share their stories--..their perspectives--.their uniquenesses...in Chicago...home of the arts.
SB (SINGS):
Chicago..it's not about beef.
It's poetry...a delicate leaf
We're a dry rose' and lemon teacake
Chicago..the lady by the lake.
TR: You look a little dubious. I believe the expression in French is (FRENCH PHRASE)
GK: No, no--.I like it. It's just that--- we Parisians don't come to Chicago to find Paris. We want to find Chicago.
FN: Of course, we'll have to focus group it. And then there's this--
(SYNTH STRINGS UNDER)
SS: Chicago-- Bookseller to the World
Croissant Baker, Stacker of Mesquite
Player with Natural Aromas and the Nation's Data Handler
Warm, Caring, Enthralling
City of the Slim shoulders...
GK: I don't know.
FN: Okay, how about this--.
(SYNTH STRINGS UNDER)
TR: Chicago-
Soy Milk Capital of the World,
Blogger, Checker of Email,
Dealer in Aloe and Scented Candles
Elegant, Thin, Pensive,
City of the Narrow Hips.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I went for a walk down State Street (TRAFFIC, CITY VOICES) and it was Chicago all right. Lot of people on the street because it's a railroad town, not a freeway town, like New York except here people don't pretend not to see you.
TR (CHI): Hey. My Gad. What's that on your lapel? That flower or whatever it is?
GK: This? Oh. I donno. A lotus or something.
TR (CHI): My Gad. Who stuck that on ya, ya look like a fruitcake.
GK: Some people in an ad agency.
TR (CHI): Oh yeah. Doh. People in da high-rises on LSD.
GK: On what?
TR (CHI): Lake Shore Drive. Where you from? Never mind. What they feedin you at the Pea Air? Quickie?
GK: Naw. Just coffee.
TR (CHI): Whatcha need is a sammitch. Sassage sammitch. Put her there. The name's Bab.
GK: Bab?
TR (CHI): No. Bab. Rabert.
GK: Oh. Bob.
TR (CHI): Right. Bab. From Diversey Ave, right off
Milwaukee. You know Cheecaga? Probly not. Polish on Diversey. Sammitch guys. The highrisers -- they're not from Illinoise. New Yawkers or something. You know what I say? Get outta town. I mean it. Get outta town, ya clowns, before somebody fills you with daylight. Gad. Don't get me started. (BRIDGE)
GK: I stepped into a coffeeshop and ordered a black coffee. I would've ordered a latte but I was afraid Bab might see me. (ESPRESSO MACHINE) -- Hey-- I didn't order a latte.
FN: You don't want a latte?
GK: No. Cuppa coffee. Cuppa java. Joe.
FN: But this is how we make it-- (ESPRESSO)
GK: No, I want it poured out of a carafe that's been sitting on a hotplate for at least an hour.
FN: Anything in it?
GK: A little oil slick on top.
FN: Coming right up.
SS: Mr. Noir-- (GLISS)
GK: Oh. It's you. From the ad agency. You surprised me.
SS: Amphora's my name. I Googled you, Mr. Noir. And I find that you're a famous private eye. And I read that story about you and Studs Terkel --
GK: Oh yeah. "Rosebuds for Studs" --
SS: I loved the first line --"I jammed the roscoe right where the rib was that God made woman from and I said, 'Shut your yap, ya big bohunk, or I'll start squirting hot lead.'" --- Wow.
GK: You like that, huh? Action adventure.
SS: You're so-- so-- what's the word I'm trying to think of?
GK: Virile.
SS: Virile! Right. Just like Chicago. Though it has its feminine side too.
GK: I wouldn't mind seeing that.
SS: I think that could be arranged. There's a concert at Ravinia tonight. We could sit on the grass, on my blanket. Share a bottle of champagne and a pate.
GK: How about sassage?
SS: What? (BRIDGE)
GK: We headed north in her black Lamborghini (CAR ACCEL) and while we were on the LSD a plane came in low overhead. (PLANE BUZZING)
SS: He's dropping something. (PLOP) I believe it's a macaroon. And there's a note attached.
(RUSTLE OF PAPER)
GK: It says "fi Vxj RI RGW IDDUXW"
SS: It makes no sense.
GK: It's some sort of code. (BRIDGE) We got out to Ravinia, a little wooded grove in the northern suburbs. It smelled familiar. And then I heard a pair of loons. (LOON WARBLING, OPERATIC)
SS: What are those, Mr. Noir?
GK: Minnesota state bird, kitten. The loon. Sounds like they're breeding. (LOONS) Either that or they're just high on life. Ah it brings back memories of spruce trees and the lakes and the sound of the outboard motor. Why, that's what Ravinia is-- it's a little bit of Minnesota they dropped into Chicago.
SS: I've never been to Minnesota. I'm from Texas.
GK: Amphora, to spend July and August in Texas is to understand why Baptists believe in hell. It's because they already went through it. Ah, the north woods. You take a deep breath and suddenly you felt the way you felt when you were twenty-one. You feel that old lust for life.
SS: Wait. The note! (STING)
GK: You mean, "fi Vxj RI RGW IDDUXW"
SS: Exactly. It's code. Look-- the letters next to those letters on a typewriter keyboard.
GK: I see.
SS: It means "Go back to the office."
GK: But the concert is just starting (TABLA, SITAR) --
SS: I have to go back. (BRIDGE)
GK: We got back to the ad agency and the Chicago campaign had taken a different turn.
TR (RICO): Hey, I'm Tony. Project manager. We decided to go in a different direction, people. This is our new song.
(JEARLYN SINGS)
JS:
Start spreading the news
Start spreading the joy
I want to be a part of it
Yes, Illinois.
O New York has its charm and L.A.'s nice and warm
But there's no where like Chi-ca-go
FN: I love it.
SS: It's so direct.
FN: It really connects with people. It sure connects with me.
SS: It puts it out there. You know? What you see is what you get.
GK: And then the door opened (DOOR OPEN) and this guy five feet tall and five feet around came through it, a guy in a silk suit and neon blue tie and mirror shades, and you knew right away he was the big man.
TR (RICO): Oh, hi, Joey--
FN (LOW UNINTELLIBLE)
TR (RICO): Oh you liked the poetry one, huh?
FN (LOW UNINTELLIGIBLE)
TR (RICO): Okay, then that's what we're going to do, Joey.
FN (LOW UNINTELLIGIBLE)
TR (RICO): Okay, folks--- Joey and me decided, we're going with the Lady by the Lake campaign. Get those commercials on the air. Now. Go. Git.
(SAX)
JS:
Chicago-- Bookseller to the World
Croissant Baker, Stacker of Mesquite
Player with Natural Aromas and the Nation's Data Handler
Warm, Caring, Enthralling
City of the Slim shoulders...
TR (RICO): Hey. Who's this guy? I don't know this guy. Who is he?
GK: The name is Noir.
TR (RICO): You Irish?
GK: No, sir.
FN: He's French.
TR (RICO): I didn't ask you. (BWANG) (FN REACT) What you doing here?
GK: I came to get my money.
TR (RICO): You came to get your money.
GK: That's what I came for.
TR (RICO): How much money?
GK: As much as you paid those other guys.
TR (RICO): What other guys?
GK: You know. Those other guys.
TR (RICO): Oh. Those guys.
GK: Yeah.
TR (RICO): Okay to give him the money, Joey?
FN (LOW UNINTELLIGIBLE)
TR (RICO): Okay, Joey says its okay. So here's the money.
GK: Thanks.
TR (RICO): You're welcome. Get outta town.
FN: But he's just a guy who we brought in here to-- (BWANG)
TR (RICO): I didn't ask you.
(BRIDGE)
GK: And that's how I got out of Chicago with a quarter-million dollars. I got in a cab (FAST DRIVING) and went to O'Hare and went to the private aviation entrance (RAISE GATE) and onto the runway we went and into a Lear jet (JET) and I got in -- four big leather seats and I'm the only passenger and the pilot (
TR: Delta Able Charley, two niner, on a three-six-two, at 26 and then turn 34 degrees, roger, over and out) and the co-pilot who doubled as a flight attendant -- (
SS: What can I do for you, Mr. Noir? Mix a drink? Broil a steak? Sing a song?) It all sounds good. I was paying about $30,000 an hour and at that rate I figured I'd be able to make it to Hawaii. And then I could think of something else.
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)