GK: Yesterday was Friday the 13th, but you're not a superstitious person, so you ignored it. You're a graduate student in Developmental Neurobiology at the University of Michigan, and you head to the lab. Midnight (BELL TOWER RINGS) you're working on corneal transplants for walleye. Hoping to give visually impaired walleye a better quality of life.
You swipe your security card (BEEP) and you enter the lab (DOOR SLIDES OPEN), where there's a giant walleye tank (BUBBLING)--walleye in the recovery stage wearing little eye patches.
So you reach into the tank (BUBBLING) and you grab one (FISH FLOPPING)--but you forget to put on your protective gloves, so (WINCE, PLOP)--you cut yourself slightly, and a little fish blood gets in the cut. And you start to feel funny. (SS DIZZINESS). You look at your hand and your skin looks weird. Kind of opalescent and scaly (WOBBLE LASER). And it's getting harder and harder to breathe. (LABORED BREATHING). Something is opening up on your neck (GILLS). Some sort of bellows thing. (HEAVY BELLOWS BREATHING) It's gills. (STING) Your lips are becoming rigid (SS FISH LIPS: Help! Help!) and you head for the door, but then (FLOP)--your legs have fused. (SS GASPING) You're a fish out of water. (VACCUUM, OFF) But here comes the janitor--
GK: (DOOR OPENS, VACCUUM, FN: Hey-how did you get out? VACCUUM OFF) ...and he throws you back in the tank, (SPLOOSH) in with some male walleyes (TR, DEEP FISH: Hey. You smell pretty. Come here.)
And with your last ounce of strength, you leap from the tank (SFX) onto the counter (FLOPS) and you swallow the little white pill (GULP) that is the antidote. And pretty soon (MORPHING, EMERGING FROM WATER)--you're a person again.
SS: Whew. That was close.
GK: And you head home (BEEP OF CARD, DOOR SWISHES OPEN) and you take a shower (SS SINGS IN SHOWER) and you put on dry clothes and you get your hair done (HAIRDRYER) and moisturize, (SPLORT, SPLORT) because tonight's the big date with your fiance and you want it to be really special, and it is.
(WINE GLASSES CLINK, SS & TR MURMUR)
And pretty soon you're back at your place (FUMBLING WITH KEYS, KISSING), and you light a candle (FLAMEUP) and your clothes fall off (THUP, THUP) and it's fantastic (MMMPH. MMMMPH) and then--
TR: Wait a second.
SS: What's wrong?
TR: There's something on your back.
SS: Yes, it's called my brastrap.
TR: No, it's weird--it's attached to your back.
SS: What?
TR: I think I have to go.
GK: You have a fin! The fin never went away.
SS: No wait-Brian--
TR: I'm out of here, Marlene.
(THEME)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.