TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: It was June, and work was slow due to the hot weather. Or the cool weather. Or a combination of the two. People come to a private eye like me because they want the truth but that's a commodity whose value fluctuates pretty wildly. And so I offer other services. Such as babysitting, or what I like to call child surveillance.
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, my name is Hooper. Helen Hooper. I'm calling from Ann Arbor. It's about my son Danny. He's heading off to summer camp for the first time, and (CRACKS) he's just very very delicate. Any sort of loud noise, even a sneeze, and he goes to pieces. And he walks in his sleep. Could you go and make sure he's okay?
GK: They have counselors to do that, Mrs. Hooper.
SS (ON PHONE): Those counselors are 18 years old, Mr. Noir. They're interested in each other -- not the children. And they sleep like badgers. They're not going to notice anything. Please--
GK: Just take a deep breath, Mrs. Hooper. A lot of parents get anxious when their kids go off to camp.
SS (ON PHONE): Yes, but not a lot of parents have money to hire a private investigator for $500 a day. I do.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I arrived at Camp Mallard just in time for supper, which was cheesy wieners and tater tots. (SPLORT SPLORT). Some of them going in to the kids' mouths-a lot more of them flying through the air (KIDS THROWING FOOT, SPLORT) I met the head counselor, a man in khaki shorts named Harry Fields.
FN: I love kids, Mr. Noir. This is a dream job for me. Except for the mosquitoes. They're pretty big this year. (LARGE MOSQUITO)
GK: I can see that.
FN: We're working on getting some stronger repellant, but-(HEAVY MOSQUITO HOVERS)
GK: So I guess Mrs. Hooper told you I was coming.
FN: Yes. -- We've got a tent set up for you next to Big Bear Claw Cabin.
GK: That's where Danny is staying?
FN: Right. So you camp out there at night and during the day you're gonna be the arts and crafts guy, okay?
GK: Arts and crafts?
FN: We need someone to do the lanyards.
GK: I don't know how to do lanyards.
FN: The kids'll show you how. You just take the strings on the outside and you split them in half and then you go over the top, over the top on the other side-see what I'm doing with my hands?
GK: Over the top
FN: And over the top. See? You've got it now! (BRIDGE)
GK: So, I slept in a tent on the ground. (NIGHT SOUNDS) -with a motion detector in case Danny walked in his sleep. Which he never did. Squirrels did, though. (ALARM) And deer. (ALARM) And spiders. (SPIDER, ALARM) I guess I had the motion detector set a little bit low, because suddenly it was wake-up call (BUGLE REVEILLE) and Danny's counselor was coming into my tent (UNZIP)-
TR (STONER): Uh, like, Mr. Noir-he's gone-Danny's like-gone-you know? I mean--whatever? (STING)
GK: I looked at the campers lined up for the flag-raising ceremony (VOICES MURMIRING: I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG) and I checked the dining hall--breakfast was Honey Nut Cheerios cereal, which can help lower your cholesterol because it's made with whole grain oats. 'Honey Nut Cheerios. Bee Happy. Bee Healthy.'-and I searched the whole camp-down by the boat house and out by the campfire, and then I went into the woods by the horse paddock (HORSE) and found Danny sitting against a tree, reading a book. (TR SHY TEEN MURMURS) He was sleep-reading. Danny, wake up. (SLAPPING) Wake up, Danny.
TR (SHY TEEN): What? Oh hi.
GK: You were sleepwalking, Danny. We don't want that.
TR (SHY TEEN): I can't help it.
GK: You can and you will. Listen, I'll give you a hundred bucks a night to stay in your bed, Danny. A hundred bucks to sleep in once place.
TR (SHY TEEN): How about two hundred?
GK: Deal. (PEELIG OFF BILLS) No more sleepwalking, okay? It's finished.
TR (SHY TEEN): I don't know. I hope so.
GK: Let me tell you a story, Danny. About the Hook Man. He comes out at night and he preys on kids who are out at night when they should be in bed, not sleepwalking.
TR (TEEN, SHY): You've never worn shorts before, have you?
GK: Is something wrong?
TR (TEEN): You're supposed to wear white socks, not black ones-with garters.
GK: I'll make a note of it.
TR (SHY TEEN): And you're supposed to wear a cap, not a fedora.
GK: You know who also wears fedoras? The hook man.
TR (SHY TEEN): I don't believe in the hook man.
GK: You don't have to believe in him for him to get you. In fact, he prefers if you don't believe in him.
(BRIDGE)
GK: So I took Danny back to camp and I went to
the arts and crafts building to braid plastic strips into useful lanyards. I thought maybe I'd tie Danny to the bed, with an ankle lanyard.
SS (TEEN GIRL): Can you help me with this, Mr. Noir? I am like trying to do this, like, diamond pattern rotating checkerboard lanyard?
GK: Hang on a second. I'm working here.
SS (TEEN): Like, what is that?
GK: It's just a lanyard, okay? Don't worry about it.
FN (TEEN BOY): I'm doing a double helix out of blue and green with yellow in the center. But I'm having a problem with the stitch--
GK: Good for you.
FN (TEEN): Did you ever make lanyards before? I don't think you're doing that right--
GK: It's a functional lanyard, okay?
SS (TEEN): Aren't you kind of old to be a counselor? I mean, you're like really really old, like forty or something.
GK: Thanks for the thought, Lindsay. (BRIDGE)
GK: I was clearing three hundred dollars a day to crank out lanyards and billfolds and beaded necklaces. Then, the big storm came up. (THUNDER LIGHTENING) Everyone gathered in the main lodge and then (BIG THUNDER) a big flash of lightning and I saw a figure standing in the rain, just outside the window. I thought it was Danny sleepwalking again, and so I chased him (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)--out into the rain and he was running away from me holding this big box, so it was easy to catch up to him. I grabbed him by the back of the neck and-
TR (RICO): Hey what gives? Just delivering a package.
GK: Rico. What are you doing here?
TR (RICO): I could ask you the same question, Noir.
GK: I'm here on a case.
TR (RICO): I'm here, trying to sell a case.
GK: Case of what?
TR (RICO): Bug repellant. It's a Canadian bug repellant called Love Bites.
GK: Love Bites. I've heard of that. It's the repellant made of oxytonin, the pleasure hormone.
TR (RICO): That's where the love comes in.
GK: It's hallucinogenic. Makes you think you're not being bitten when you are.
TR (RICO): Love is a beautiful illusion, Noir. You outghta try it sometime.
GK: Unless I'm mistaken, Love Bites is illegal in this country.
TR (RICO): Who cares? It works it works. Here, try some. (BIG SPRAY, AND GLISS AND DRUGGY EUPHORIA MUSIC W. FN YOGI VOCAL)
GK: Suddenly the world became very swirly and bathed in a gentle glow and everyone was beautiful and they wore beautiful lanyards for swim suits. And then Rico was gone and I saw a campfire and kids sitting around it and I sat down by the fire and I told them a story--
Once upon a time a boy went walking in the woods at night and he saw a dark shape moving through the trees that seemed to be human and he followed it and it stopped (BREATHING, HEARTBEAT). And raised its right hand and (GLINT) there in the moonlight (GLINT) a big silver hook at the end of the creature's hand. (EVIL LAUGHTER, OFF, FAST HEARTBEAT) So the boy turned around and ran (RUNNING THROUGH WOODS, PANTING) and the creature was following him (RUNNING, OFF, EVIL LAUGHTER) and he ran faster and faster.. GK: ... Everything was black. (RUNNING THROUGH WOODS). But the boy could hear him coming up behind. The hook man. And then the boy stepped in some quicksand and he went down. (QUICKSAND, THUMP). -- Hey, what is that? (QUICKSAND) It's only a story. (QUICKSAND) Where is everybody? Where's the campfire?
TR: I'm here.
GK: Hookman?
TR: That's me. (SINKING IN QUICKSAND, STRUGGLING).
GK: Can you help me, Hookman? I'm sinking.
TR: Years ago I went to summer camp and these counselors, they just talked and talked and talked. And that's how I lost my arm. They talked it off. And I got this hook. And girls weren't attracted to me anymore. Except really weird ones. And ever since then, I've been chasing counselors and making big holes in them.
GK: I'm not really a counselor, Hookman. I'm a private eye.
TR: I had an eye once. And then one day I went to scratch it with my hook, and-- (ANGER)
(QUICKSAND)
GK: Listen-- just grab hold of my shirt with your hook and lift me out-- please--
TR: Oh I don't think so.
GK: Please, Hookman. Please-
TR: Don't call me hookman. It's stereotyping.
GK: I'm sorry, man with a hook. Help me man who just happens to have a hook--
TR: I don't feel like it.
GK: You know what then? (SPRAYS)
TR: Aaaghghghg! Ohhhh! Ahhhh! That feels good.
GK: It's Love Bites, Mr. Hook. It's supposed to feel good. Now get me out of here.
TR: Suddenly I don't feel like goring people anymore. I don't know why, but-I want to use my hook to help people. My hook can make the world a better place-
(SINKING, STRUGGLING)
GK: Help! Heeellllp!
(SINKING, KNOCKING)
SS (DORIS): Hey Guy-wake up, I know you're in there.
GK: Huh-- what? Who's there--
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
SS (DORIS): It's me, Guy. Doris your landlady. Pay up, ya big welsher.
GK: What happened to the hookman?
(KNOCKING)
SS (DORIS): You want the hook, I'll give you the hook. And don't give me your sob story because I don't care.
GK: Listen, Doris-- I don't have any more checks in my checkbook -- I ordered some yesterday and they should get here today--
SS (DORIS): I'll take cash. And don't feed me some big story, Noir--
GK: I was running through the woods and a man with a hook was after me and I went into quicksand and --
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)