TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: It was almost June and I was in my office, going through junk mail, some of it from my bank wondering why my account was in the red, so I was in the mood to accept offers when the phone rang (PHONE RING, PICKUP) --Yes. He said. Yes, I will. Yes.
TR (IRISH): Very nice. James Joyce, I believe.
GK: Mr. O'Halloran. The repo man.
TR (IRISH): The very one. Need your help, Noir. Just had a little surgery and I'm not supposed to do any punching or kicking or eye-gouging for two to four weeks.
GK: Well, I'm not doing that much punching and kicking or eye-gouging myself these days.
TR (TOUGH): I trying to track down a no-good thieving blackbuard named Larry "The Lemon" Meringue. Got a whole menagerie --elephants, tigers, bears, some grommets -- and he hasn't made a payment on his big animal trailer since February. He's heading for Mexico and I've got to stop him.
GK: Except you can't move.
TR (TOUGH): I'm sitting here with a bag of ice on my lap, taking shallow breaths and looking forward to my next Jamieson's.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I took an early-morning flight to Las Cruces (JET LANDS) and rented a car and started driving around. (CAR) Figured it wouldn't be too hard to track down a huge trailer filled with animals. But first my eyes had to adjust to the brightness. You spend winter in Minnesota and your pupils get huge, like a lemur's. So I bought
sunglasses and a sombrero and ducked into a cafe for breakfast.
SS (SPANGLISH): Okay what you want?
GK: French toast.
SS (SPANGLISH): Never heard of it. What's that?
GK: Toast soaked in eggs and fried.
SS (SPANGLISH): Oh yeah. Huevos toast. How hot you want the syrup?
GK: What do you mean?
SS (SPANGLISH): Chile pepper syrup. How hot you want it?
GK: How about maple syrup?
SS (SPANGLISH): What's maple?
GK: It's a tree.
SS (SPANGLISH): I thought it was a woman.
GK: That's Mable. This is maple.
SS (SPANGLISH): Sounds the same. You got a strange language, mister. Why don't you learn to speak Spanish? Por que no aprender a hablar espanol? In Spanish, women don't look like trees. They look like women.
(SHE WALKS OFF MUTTERING IN SPANISH) (BRIDGE)
GK: And then my French toast came. I asked for mild syrup and it was chunky and green, made steam come out of my ears (STEAM WHISTLE)-it was radioactive -- I grabbed a pitcher of water and I could see all the bones in my right hand (SPLASHING), and I dumped it on my head and staggered into the parking lot and that's when I saw the trailer. (ANIMALS, OFF) A big circus trailer painted red and gold and on the side it said Larry Meringue's See It Or Not Traveling Menagerie. (ANIMALS, OFF). A man in a red jumpsuit talking to a woman in a sequined leotard. And a pair of grommets doing backflips. (FOOTSTEPS, LOW MURMURED CONVERSATION, GROMMETS FLIPPING) Excuse me.
TR: Yeah.
SS: What you looking at?
GK: Just looking at your grommets here-- (GROMMETS)
SS: Whatsamatter? You never seen performing grommets before?
GK: Hey, I'm a showman myself, I know what a novelty it is.
SS: What kinda showman are you?
GK: Comedian.
SS: Looks to me like you're not working real regular.
GK: I work when I want to. I'm trying to cut back.
TR: So tell me a joke. Make me laugh.
GK: Kinda hard to do it on command like that.
SS: That's exactly what professionals do.
GK: What kind of jokes you like?
SS: Jokes about animals.
GK: Oh. Okay. -- So there was this giraffe at the zoo and it was an old giraffe and one day it dropped dead from a heart attack and the body lay there for hours and the head of the zoo told the zookeeper to carry it away and the zookeeper said okay but he didn't do it and the next day the body was still there and the head of the zoo said, You can't leave that lyin' there and the zookeeper said, "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe."
(PAUSE)
SS: And?
GK: That's the joke. That joke really tears them up -- wherever I go.
TR: You've been working awfully small towns.
GK: Maybe we could hook up. You need a comedian?
TR: If you hear of a funny one, let me know.
GK: I'll come to your show tonight and try to think of some funny ones.
TR: Okay. You do that. (BRIDGE)
GK: I went back to my motel and clearly I was no repo man. A real repo man would've moved in, taken the keys to the truck and be out of there, no conversation. But maybe I was a little short on sleep, maybe that was why. So I lay down to take a nap and I tried to program a wake-up call --
FN (ROBOT, ON PHONE): Please enter the time you would like to wake up. (BEEP BEEP BEEP) You have entered...Seven o'clock. For AM, press one. For PM press 2 (BEEP) You have pressed-PM. --If this is correct, say yes.
GK: Yes.
FN (ROBOT, ON PHONE): Why are you sleeping in the middle of the day?
GK: It's a nap! People take naps!
FN (ROBOT, ON PHONE): If you would like to start over, press one.
GK: I don't want to start over. Seven PM.
FN (ROBOT): If you would like to see a doctor, press two.
GK: I don't need a doctor.
FN (ROBOT, ON PHONE): Excessive daytime sleepiness may indicate depression. If you feel depressed, press three. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I skipped the nap and went to the show. It was quite a show. (APPLAUSE, CIRCUS MUSIC). There was a Chihuahua who sang "La Bamba" while bouncing on a pogo stick. (DOG SINGING, BOUNCING)- and a chimpanzee who juggled hot potatoes (CHIMP, JUGGLING, SQUEALS OF SURPRISE), and a performing seal who played the piano (SEAL PIANO). For a seal, he was pretty good.
GK: The trailer was right there and the keys were in the ignition (KEYS). I got in and was about to drive off (IGNITION STARTS) when a chicken (SFX) jumped up on the dash and I felt cold steel against the back of my head. (GUN COCK)
TR (RICO): Don't move, Noir.
GK: Rico!
TR (RICO): That's right. Now turn off the ignition, real slow-like.
(ENGINE TURNS OFF)
GK: I thought you were serving time for that plant sale bust.
TR (RICO): I was. I learned my lesson. I went straight, Noir. Took classes in jail, became an accountant. I'm Larry's accountant. Tomorrow we declare bankruptcy.
GK: Bankruptcy.
TR (RICO): Yeah. See this letter? (HOLDS UP LETTER, WAVES IT, CHICKEN CLUCKS). Larry goes bankrupt and his assets are protected. Meaning you can't repossess his vehicle, ya big weasel.
GK: Give me the letter, Rico.
TR (RICO) Give me one good reason why I should.
GK: Because I know you didn't just get out of jail, Rico. You dug your way out with a spoon.
TR (RICO): So what? Who's got the gun Noir? Me or you?
GK: Wow. Look over there- I didn't know they had naked ladies in the circus--
TR (RICO): What? Where? (KONK) Ohhhhhhh. (WEAKLY) I can't believe it.
GK: What?
TR (RICO, WEAKLY): I fell for the "look over there" trick. He says "look over there" and what do I do? I look over there. Unbelievable.
GK: Don't feel bad.
TR (RICO, WEAKLY): Don't tell the guys, okay?
GK: I won't. -- You about to lose consciousness or do I have to thump you again?
TR (RICO, COLLAPSES)
(CHICKEN, THREATENING CLUCK)
GK: Don't try it, chicken. (CHICKEN CLUCKING) Don't even think about it. (CHICKEN SLOW CLUCKS) See this gun? In two minutes, you're going to be wrapped in clear plastic with a price tag on you. (CHICKEN CLUCK) And flash frozen. (CHICKEN SHIVER) You make one move and you're going to have black stripes on your back and a bed of salad for a pillow. (CHICKEN SNEEZE) Down off the dashboard. And no sudden moves. (CHICKEN LIGHT CLUCKS, BACKING AWAY) That's the way. (GIANT TRUCK STARTS) I gunned it (ACCELERATION)-and I headed out of Las Cruces (DRIVES OFF) but I had no idea where I was going. Neither did the GPS. (SS ROBOT VOICE: Recalculating route...Oh my, I am getting signals from aliens...SPACE ALIEN GIBBERISH) A vast windswept desert in every direction, and that was where my conscience started to get on me.
TR (DEEP, JAMES EARL JONES, REVERB): All those helpless animals in Las Cruces. You took away their home. They didn't do anything to you.
GK: I was just doing my job, okay?
TR (DEEP, REVERB): Those animals are going to be sold for meat. The elephant, the tiger, the chimpanzee.
GK: And the grommets?
TR (DEEP, REVERB): Grommets get a good price now. They put their navels in tent canvas to run a rope through.
GK: Oh my gosh.
TR (DEEP, REVERB): You. You did it. Grommets will die all because of you. (STING)
GK: So I returned the truck to Larry "The Lemon" Meringue and his circus.
SS: Oh thank you, Mr. Noir. Thank you, thank you, thank you. (GROMMETS) Our grommets thank you, too. (ELEPHANT) And Jumbo is grateful.
TR: You saved him from having to work for the Republican party. (ELEPHANT) (BRIDGE)
GK: Of course I was concerned what Mr. O'Halloran would think -- I called him from Las Cruces--
TR (IRISH, ON PHONE): Oh, I'm out of the repo business, I'm in arts administration. Fundraising.
Same as repo, except we serve 'em wine and cheese. (BRIDGE)
GK: So once again I went to a lot of trouble and got no money from it whatsoever and had to take temporary employment in El Paso. At the airport. (CROWD HUBBUB) -- Shoes off and on the belt. Take your computer out of the case.
SS: Computer out of the case?
GK: Take it out of the case, lady. In the plastic bin.
SS: How about my cellphone?
GK: Put it in the plastic basket.
SS: Liquids and gels?
GK: In a clear plastic bag.
SS: Did you say take my shoes off? I'm sorry. I only ever travel by private jet. I haven't been in an actual airport in thirty years.
GK: In that case, you go in the plastic tray yourself.
SS: What? What are you doing? (SHE STRUGGLES)
GK: In the tray, lady. Don't make me use the Taser. Get the dogs, Jack. (DOGS) (STRUGGLE CONTINUES, UNDER)
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye
(THEME OUT)