(WESTERN THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Tumbleweed Tea. It's mellow but strong. And it keeps you moving. And now, The Lives of the Cowboys.
(HORSES WHINNY, WALK)
TR: Wonder if they passed the Farm Bill in Washington, Lefty----
GK: I donno.
TR: Suppose there's something in it for cowboys?
GK: Something for ranchers, maybe. Nothing for cowboys.
TR: You're probably right.
GK: Not enough cowboys left for Washington to notice, Dusty. Besides which, cowboys are fiercely independent and resist any attempts to organize or to seek official redress of grievances.
TR: Huh.
GK: Freedom is what cowboys are about, Dusty. Not government handouts.
TR: Speaking of the government. (RIPS OPEN ENVELOPE)
GK: What's that?
TR: This came by post today. From the Department of Agriculture.
GK: What's in there?
(OPENING PAPER)
TR: Dear Cowboys: because of your poor diet and limited potential to make money, we have enclosed the following Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Vouchers-
GK: Food stamps?
TR: Yep.
GK: Give me that. (GRABS PAPER, READS): These vouchers are redeemable at any local general store for items not including baked beans in a can or beef jerky-
TR: What do they want us to eat? Fresh fruits?
GK: This little green insert here - (PAPER) It says we qualify for a conservation subsidy if we take a third of our cattle out of grazing and let that land go back to pasture.
TR: Oh. (A BEAT, COWS) How much?
GK: Couple hundred a month maybe.
TR: Couple hundred a month! Git! (MOO) Shoo! Get out of here! (CATTLE MOVING OFF)
GK: Now hold on there Dusty.
TR: Couple hundred a month- think about buying a new saddle. Positive visualization. (GUITAR STRUMS) What are you doing?
GK: Rather buy me a new guitar.
TR: Oh great. Wish they had a subsidy for not singing.
GK: You can't regulate music Dusty. That's the great thing about it.
GK: (SINGS)
I am a cowboy in buckskin and boots
I sleep on the ground on sharp stones and roots
Dust in my mouth so I have a few toots
Last thing I need is a plate of fresh fruits.
Whoopitiyiyo - get along little doggies --
I eat when I'm hungry, I drink when I'm dry
I say what I think, I'd spit in your eye
I am a cowboy out on the plains
You say what you like but I've got the reins.
Whoopitiyiyo --
TR: Well that's one way of looking at it. (HORSE APPROACHES) Who's this?
SS: Whoa, hold up there.
(HORSE NICKERS, SS DISMOUNTS, WALKS ACROSS GRAVEL)
SS: Howdy. The name's Nancy. Don't let the pinstripes fool you. I'm the Speaker of the House of Representatives and take it from me if you herd congressmen, (HAWK, SPITS) you can herd anything.
GK: Pretty good spitting.
SS: In Washington you get a lot of practice.
GK: What brings you out here to the godforsaken prairie, Speaker Pelosi?
SS: Just recalling those letters we sent out. See you've got it there-I'll take that thank you very much--
TR: Wait a sec-I was reading that--
SS: President vetoed it--
TR: So we can't run these cattle off down the riverbank and get a check for it?
SS: Not yet. But soon. Maybe.
GK: Nice of you to come out here and tell us personally, Speaker Pelosi.
SS: My pleasure. Gotta head back now. Congress is voting on the Potato Salad bill now.
GK: I can only imagine.
SS: They've got peanuts in it, maybe syrup, avocados.
TR: Avacados! Who put acocados in it?
SS: Me. I'm from California. I love avocados.
GK: What else is in the Potato Salad Bill? Any potatoes?
SS: Some. And a lot of soybeans. And fresh fruit. All right then. (MOUNTS) See you boys on the flip side. (HORSE GALLOPS OFF)
(GK SIGHS)
TR: What's wrong now?
GK: I don't know Dusty. I guess the thing she said about potato salad.
TR: What about it?
GK: I love potato salad. It's all about family, about community.
TR: Thought you liked the freedom of the trail, Lefty. You were just singing about it.
(GUITAR STARTS UP)
GK: The mark of a first-class mind is the ability to hold two opposing ideas and believe in both.
GK: (SINGS)
Potato salad on Memorial Day
Just the right mustard and mayonnaise
It's summer so let us rejoice in our lives.
Potatoes and hard-boiled eggs and some chives.
GK: We got plans for Memorial Day Dusty?
TR: Not as of yet.
GK: Maybe we oughta go into town and get us some potatoes and chives and mayonnaise and get down to business.
TR: Sounds good to me. What are we gonna do with these cows then?
GK: We'll have to bring 'em with.
TR: All of them?
GK: They're our family, Dusty. So they're gonna come to our picnic.
(COWS LOWING, A BEAT)
TR: Hope they pass that Farm Bill pretty soon.
(THEME)
SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Tumbleweed Tea.