(THEME)
TR (ANNC): And now, the story of one man, his mother, and the 8.6 miles of copper wire that separate them. It's Duane. The Chosen Son.
(PHONE RINGS 3X, PICKUP)
GK: Hello?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane? Is that you honey?
GK: Mom?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You don't sound like yourself. You're not depressed are you, Duane? (A BEAT)
GK: You mean now?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You've got that tone in your voice, Duane. You've been thinking negative thoughts again, haven't you--
GK: Mother--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane, listen to me. Listen to your mother. You're very attractive for your age and weight, I want you to stop wallowing in despair now. I looked up your profile on Facebook and you have two friends. That's not so bad.
GK: I'm going to take it down-
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Of course I'm just hurt that you didn't Friend me, Duane.
GK: You're on Facebook?
SS: Of course, Duane. I'd have been your third friend and I'm sure your dad would've been your fourth. (OFF) Hank! Hank!
TR (OFF): Yeah.
GK: Mother-
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE, OFF): Look up Duane's profile on Facebook, Hank! (TR MURMURS) Invite him to be a friend. (TR MURMURS) No your son Duane. (TR MURMUR)
GK: Is there a reason you called, mother?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You don't know? (A BEAT) You forgot that mother's day is coming up? Tomorrow?
GK: Of course, I didn't--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): That's okay. It means nothing to you and I'm fine with that. I've come to expect it.
GK: Mother-I didn't forget-
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I have been waiting for you to call, Duane. Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting, day after day after day after day after day-
GK: I was going to call you, mother- You want to go to brunch?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): No, that's okay. You don't want to go to brunch with me, Duane, and I understand.
GK: I want to, okay? I'll call right now.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): -Well look at that your dad found your Facebook page, Duane. I gotta see this--you wanna talk to your dad then?
(A BEAT)
GK: Sure.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE, OFF): Hank-here talk to Duane. (A BEAT) Your son. (TR MUMURS, OFF) Because he wants to talk to you, that's why. (BACK ON PHONE) Here's your dad Duane.
GK: Thanks mom.
(A BEAT)
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Hello son.
GK: Hi dad.
(A BEAT)
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): See you got a Facebook page up.
GK: Yes, I do.
(A BEAT)
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I wrote on your wall.
(A BEAT)
GK: Good. What'd you say?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Said how's it goin?
GK: Okay. Well, thanks.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well, good talking to you son.
GK: You too dad.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Here's your mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE, OFF): Give me the phone Hank. Duane? Are you there honey?
GK: I'm here mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well Duane, I was just looking at your Facebook profile, honey, and that picture of you -- I hate to tell you this but you don't look like that anymore.
GK: Mother, that picture was taken three weeks ago.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Then it's been three hard weeks, Duane. I mean last time we saw you you just looked so tired, Duane. Your coloring was off. And you seemed kind of confused or something--
GK: Do you want to go to brunch Sunday or not?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well now you're mad at me so we might as well just forget it.
GK: I'll make reservations right now.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): No no, don't do it on my behalf Duane. I've got my health, and that's what's important--
GK: Mother--
SS (MIDWESTERN): Of course I think I do but I may not. Dr. Harvey is supposed to call me back today.
GK: Are you sick, mom?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well who knows what sick is these days, Duane. I mean are you sick? Is sitting alone day after day in a dark room talking to imaginary friends online the sign of an illness? It's not for me to judge.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Anyway- we're getting up there and pretty soon we'll be gone and you'll have your life to yourself the way you want it. In fact, why wait, Duane? I want to make it easier for you.
GK: Can we not do this?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Which is why I'm having a practice funeral.
GK: A practice funeral?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): It's next Wednesday at the Criller Funeral Home. They're gonna lay me out in front and everything. So it's not such a shock when it really happens.
GK: Mom-
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I want no speeches, Duane, none at all. No pictures, no nothing. (CRACKS) In fact you don't even have to look at me. You can text message in the pews. I don't care.
GK: I'm not going to text message at your funeral, mom.
SS: It's the practice funeral, Duane. (SOBS) Because the real one is coming soon enough. I want you to be ready. I want you to have fun (SOBS).
(A BEAT)
GK: Mom.
(A BEAT)
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): What.
GK: Do you want to go to Porky's for Brunch on Mother's Day?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE, SNIFFLING): Yes.
GK: Fine. Let's go to brunch.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Can your dad come, too?
GK: Fine. Bring dad.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Because he really likes their pancakes.
GK: I know, mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): He likes those pancakes and also those little sausage things.
GK: Fine.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You really want to go though Duane, right?
GK: There's nothing in the world I'd rather do.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well that is all I wanted to hear, Duane.
GK: I'll make reservations right now.
SS (MIDWESTERN): I already did.
GK: You did?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Two months ago. They fill up for Mother's Day.
GK: Okay mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): If you don't want to come, I'll invite a neighbor.
GK: I'll be there, mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Bye honey, love you. See you tomorrow.
GK: Bye mom.
(THEME)