(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: I was in Milwaukee, I was working on a case, and I was about to order another, and meanwhile I was sitting in my room at the Pfister Hotel with the windows open, listening to the sounds of spring (BIRD, SLIGHTLY RASPY). A bird on the windowsill who seemed to have a chest cold. (BIRD SNEEZE) It's tough, being a feathered creature in the frozen north. You're outdoors, eating like mad to keep up your strength and there's a lot more husks than suet in your life and when spring finally comes, you get a cold. (BIG BIRD SNEEZE) Hey, little guy. Wish I could help. (BIRD WHEEZE) How about some chicken soup? (BIRD OUTRAGE AND REVULSION) Sorry. Sorry. Insensitive of me. For you, chicken soup is cannibalism. (PHONE RINGS, PICKUP) Yeah hello Noir here.
SS (TEEN, ON PHONE): Mr. Noir?
GK: Yes this is Mr. Noir.
SS (TEEN, ON PHONE): Oh, okay. This is Kirsten Birkmeier, and I'm calling from Barack Obama's headquarters?
GK: Yes?
SS (TEEN, ON PHONE): So we're like, wondering if you could do something for us? For Mr. Obama? Or whatever?
GK: What would you like, Miss Birkmeier?
SS (TEEN, ON PHONE): Yeah. It's like, you know, he is like, at the airport right now. At, like, Baggage claim 4. Could you like, get him in a car or something.
GK: Do you mean Baggage claim 4, or a baggage claim that is like baggage claim four?
(A BEAT)
SS (TEEN, ON PHONE): I don't get it.
GK: That's okay. I'm glad that you young people are all excited about him.
SS (TEEN, ON PHONE): Totally! I am, like, pumped. I mean, I would say there is like a 50% chance that I'll actually vote, you know? Which is so huge for me.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I went over to the airport and Mr. Obama was waiting with his bags.
TR (OBAMA, OFF): Yes we can, yes we can. We can deliver baggage with the airplane that the baggage owner arrives on. And the baggage can arrive at the carousel that the TV screen says it will arrive on. We can do this...
(BRIDGE)
GK: I put him in a car (DOOR CLOSE, PULLS AWAY) and as I drove him into Milwaukee, I called his office to find out what they wanted me to do with him.
TR (HIGH, NYER VOICE): This is his campaign manager, Mr. Noir. Let me tell you why we called you in. It's an emergency, that's why.
GK: What's going on?
TR (HIGH, NYER): We gave him a day off from the campaign and he headed straight up to Wisconsin for some rest and relaxation.
GK: Sounds okay to me.
TR (HIGH, NYER): He got an invitation to go windsurfing.
GK: Oh oh.
TR (HIGH, NYER): Oh oh is right. Remember John Kerry?
GK: The Spandex tights, yes.
TR (HIGH, NYER): The Senator plans to meet this person and go windsurfing on Lake Michigan and then go to a winery called Chateau Bon Temps for a glass of Wisconsin Chardonnay and some Ahi tuna.
GK: I see the problem.
TR (HIGH, NYER): We're trying to get him to eat deep-fried walleye and toss back a Miller's and put some weight on him, get him into a plaid shirt, size Large. The American people are used to candidates having a paunch. Some jowls. They want to see something jiggle when a man speaks.
GK: Well, at least I will keep him off a surfboard. I can't force the man to eat walleye.
TR (HIGH, NYER): One more thing. We're thinking maybe we could work around the odd name by giving him a nickname. Do me a favor. Could you call him Rocky?
GK: Rocky Obama?
TR (HIGH, NYER): We think it might help. (BRIDGE)
GK: I took the Senator to the Wisconsin Windsurfing Club where he was to meet his friend--
TR (OBAMA): The wind is against us and in windsurfing that is a great advantage. And now I shall go and get into my Spandex. (HE GOES OFF, BRIDGE)
GK: I had the feeling this was a trap. Somebody had lured the Senator here in hopes of embarrassing him. I slipped the locker room guy a twenty --
FN (DEEP): Yeah, what's that for?
GK: The guy who went in there-- keep him busy.
FN (DEEP): How?
GK: Ask him about health insurance -- and look interested. (BRIDGE) I walked around behind down by the shore and I saw a suspicious vehicle parked there. A camper called the Straight Talk Express. (KNOCKS) (DOOR OPEN)
TR (MCCAIN): Excuse me, my friend, I'm busy here, just about to do some photography.
GK: You wouldn't be thinking about photographing windsurfers, would you?
TR (MCCAIN): You know, I hadn't thought of it until just now. I was going to take pictures of nuthatches and chickadees. But windsurfers -- that could be interesting -- those spandex tights -- the bare legs, the bony knees -- you don't suppose anybody'd be out on a board today, do you?
GK: Senator McCain, my name is Guy Noir and I think you can pack up that camera. (STING) He stepped back and then I saw movement in the bushes and two people jumped out.
SS (HILLARY): Hey! Old Man McCain! It's me! Hillary "Hot Rod" Clinton-- here to call you out-- bring it on, big boy-- you want to go mano a femina with me, here I am with a broken beer bottle in one hand and the Congressional Record in the other.
GK: Mrs. Clinton?
TR (MCCAIN): Let me tell you, my friend, when you and the skinny guy get done cutting each other up, I am waiting for the winner out in the parking lot.
SS (HILLARY): I am ready, old man, and when I'm done with you, you're going to be playing connect-the-dots with your liver spots.
TR (MCCAIN): Oh yeah?
SS (HILLARY): Yeah, you don't scare me, you old Scarface you. When I get done with you, you're going to feel a lot older than 75, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
GK: Easy. Calm down. Who's that in the dark glasses?
TR (CLINTON): People call me Scooter. I'm her main man. I'm her squeeze. Don't mess with us, Whitey, or you'll regret it big time.
GK: President Clinton-- hey, we miss you, man.
TR (CLINTON): I know. Me too.
SS (HILLARY): I have found my voice and I found it by drinking beer and eating bratwurst with sauerkraut.
TR (CLINTON): I love those cheese fries.
SS (HILLARY): You know, this is not about you, Senator McCain-it's about the American people.
TR (CLINTON): Including me. I'm an American person.
GK: Say why don't the three of you get together for a photo. Put your arms around each other and smile and --
TR (MCCAIN): Tell her to put that beer bottle down.
SS (HILLARY): I'll put it down and arm-wrestle you for it.
TR (MCCAIN): What did you say, woman?
SS (HILLARY): I said, sit down at that table and I'm going to take that arm of yours and I'm going to put it where the sun don't shine. And you don't want that.
GK: Listen, folks -- how about a photograph? Come on.
TR (CLINTON): can I be in it too.?
GK: Of course. Senator Clinton -- right there--
SS: I'm not done with you, McCain.
GK: Oh, here comes Senator Obama.
TR (OBAMA): Okay I'm ready. I have discovered something more interesting than windsurfing and that is poker. I just got in a game with three guys and put everything down on a pair of jacks and walked away with everything. Including this-- (SHOTGUN BLAST)
GK: So you won a shotgun at poker. Good. How about you put the plaid shirt on, Senator Obama.
TR (MCCAIN): I'll stand in the middle, if you don't mind.
SS: Get your hand away, McCain--
TR (MCCAIN): Away from what?
SS: You're going to stick two fingers up behind my head and if you do, you're going to be minus two fingers. You get me?
TR (CLINTON): I'll just sneak in here between you.
SS (HILLARY): I'm here, Bill-- you go down there with him.
GK: On the count of three. Ready-one-two--(POLAROID)
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions-Guy Noir, private eye.
(THEME OUT)