(THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Old Pete Sleep Protection Pellets. If you sleep in a blanket roll on the ground you are vulnerable to coyotes (COYOTE), cougars (COUGAR), and other cowboys (FN: Hi there), Now you can protect yourself with Sleep Protection Pellets. They're made of rancid caribou meat and hair and they give you dog breath that drives away predators. Old Pete Sleep Protection Pellets.. And now, The Lives of the Cowboys.
(THEME)
(BUBBLING, STEAM, MURMURS OF PLEASURE)
GK: Oh yeah.
TR: Yeah.
GK: Oh my.
TR: Oh yeah.
GK: Oh don't these hot springs feel good, Dusty. All those neck pains gone. Bruised ribs.
TR: Malaise.
GK: You? Malaise?
TR: Had it for years.
GK: Bad malaise?
TR: A general sense of malaise.
GK: How come you never mentioned it?
TR: Wasn't sure how to pronounce it.
GK: Oh. No wonder you were so cranky
TR: I don't think I'm ever going to leave here. They're gonna have to scoop me up and serve me on a bed of basmati rice or something.
GK: You look pretty well done, Dusty.
TR: About medium rare.
GK: I'm thinking I maybe ought to get out of this bath while I still have some ambition left.
TR: Ambition for what?
GK: I think I want to write songs. Try to make the world a better place.
TR: There's a contradiction there, pardner.
GK: Got myself a waterproof guitar, Dusty. (ELECTRIC GUITAR CHORD, WAVERY) A guitar that can be played underwater.
TR: What will they think of next? Maybe a guitar that can be played when you're jumping over a cliff.
GK: Just relax, Dusty.
TR: Seems like I don't have a choice.
(CHORDS, STRUM, WHOOPITIYIYO)
GK (SINGS):
I came to Hot Springs and my spirit rejoiced
A chance to get clean and happy and moist
I sat in the hot springs until I was healed
All anger was gone cause my brain had congealed.
Whoopitiyiyo git along little doggies
It's the hottest hot springs that you ever saw
Whoopitiyiyo git along little cowboys
You might think it's Hades but it's Arkansas.
TR: Please don't whoop, okay.
GK: There is whooping in the song.
TR: Just skip the whooping.
GK: Whooping is integral to the song, Dusty.
TR: Try doing an Inner Whoop.
GK (SINGS):
Hot Springs a town just outside Little Rock
A place to escape all the noise and the talk
And the stress and confusion and sit and relax
And let the world's troubles just wash off your backs.
Whoopitiyiyo--
TR: Too loud.
GK: Sorry. Whoopitiyiyo--
TR: That's better.
GK (SINGS):
-- get along little doggies
Lie in the water and inhale the steam
Whoopitiyiyo get along little cowboys
And all of life's heartaches just fade like a dream.
(GUITAR, TREMOLO)
GK: That's my guitar solo.
TR: This the first time in years my back hasn't been bothering me.
GK: You planning to be cheerful and jovial from now on? Now that you're pain-free?
TR: I might brighten up some if you quit singing, but I can't promise anything. (FOOTSTEPS)
SS (RUSSIAN): Good afternoon, Mister Cowboy. Would you like me to beat you now?
GK: Excuse me?
SS (RUSSIAN): I am big Russian woman, I come and beat you with pine bough.
TR: I think I'm gonna pass on this.
SS (RUSSIAN): What about you Mr. Other Guy, sitting here--
GK: Maybe later, okay?
SS (RUSSIAN): You just say the word and I come after you with big stick.
GK: Okay. Thanks.
(STEAM, BUBBLING, PLEASANT MURMURING)
GK: I just don't care for pain.
TR (McCAIN): I know just how you feel, my friends. It's hard to face the prospect of a woman beating you up.
GK: Who's that? Hard to see through this steam--
TR (McCAIN): It's me my friends. Senator John McCain. Got the nomination in my pocket, I'm just sitting back and enjoying the Democrats tearing themselves apart.
GK: So you're off taking the steam, huh?
TR (McCAIN): Conserving my energy and letting my enemies fight among themselves.
SS (HILLARY): I can hear you, you know. I'm right here. I am not going to quit because I have found my voice and the American people are hearing that voice.
TR (CLINTON): And also my voice. Remember me? The first President Clinton. Ready to go again.
GK: Mr. Clinton--
TR (CLINTON): You wonder how I've been able to take the heat, this is how. I enjoy the heat. I love heat. The hotter it gets the cooler I feel.
SS (HILLARY): Sit down, Bill. You're not wearing a swimsuit.
TR (CLINTON, SINGS): Oops I did it again. I got in the tub, I'm breathing the steam-oh baby baby-
GK: My goodness, Dusty, we've wandered into the V.I.P. section.
TR (OBAMA): Some would say this water is too hot. That I'm not prepared to get in. But I say yes I am. Yes I can and I have.
GK: Amazing the people you meet in a hot spring. It's early, too-not even noon.
SS (HILLARY): For me, every day it's three o'clock in the morning. And every day is Day One in this hot spring--
.
TR (CLINTON): You know I've always said that life is a hot spring, and we're all in it together. That's what I think. Me. Bill Clinton. We're all here together, naked as jaybirds, and having a good time.
GK: Man, this steam is thick in here.
TR (BUSH): Not as thick as it is in Washington.
GK: Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): Just taking a weekend off to sit and relax. Nothing to be done in Washington. Because the policies are in place and they are working. The economy is sound and we are making progress. We just need to give it time.
GK: What brings you to Hot Springs, Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): Trying to see how long I can hold my breath under water. So far it's 30 seconds. (DEEP BREATH, AND SPLASH, AND SLOW BUBBLING)
TR (McCAIN): How about I sit on him and waterboard him? See if we can get some secrets out of him. Maybe he'll tell us what Cheney is up to. If he knows.
SS (HILLARY): I feel that the tide is turning and it's time not just for my personal healing, but for a period of national healing and when I am president I will continue that healing. (BUBBLES) Okay, who did that? Was that you?
GK: I think it was the hot springs.
SS (HILLARY): Look, I think I know when someone has let one underwater --
TR (GORE): Okay, it was me.
GK : Al Gore!
TR (GORE): I have gone vegetarian and I have been eating a lot of beans. Sometimes I just erupt like Mount St. Helen's. Speaking of Mt. St. Helen's, did you know that the carbon dioxide released by a major volcano is approximately 3 percent of the carbon footprint of corporations in this country who are -- (HE FADES)
GK: Maybe it's time for us to get out, Dusty. Hit the trail. Head for Austin.
(BRIDGE, HORSES)
GK: You're looking mighty relaxed, Dusty.
TR: Don't count on it.
GK: All your aches and pains gone?
TR: Old ones are gone, now I'm waiting for the new ones.
GK: Nothing cures the blues like a long soak in a hot spring. (STRUMS)
TR: And now you got to go and ruin it.
GK: (SINGS)
I been to the hot springs and sat there for days, No more misery, no more malaise. I'm feeling relaxed, utterly, totally, So maybe I'll yodel cause I'm feeling yodelly.
TR: Easy now.
GK: (YODEL)
TR: This song sounded better underwater.
GK: Are we heading west?
TR: I think so. Let me check.
SS (ELECT VOICE): Recalculating route.
GK: What's that?
TR: My new GPS.
GK: You got a GPS?
TR: Fits right on my saddle.
SS (ELECT VOICE): As soon as possible, make a legal U-turn.
GK: Guess we were going the wrong way. (GIDDYUP) (HORSE WHINNIES)
SS (ELECT VOICE): In three miles, turn left at the fork and proceed toward the butte.
GK: You sure this is right?
SS (ELECT VOICE): I am positive.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Old Pete's Protective Sleep Pellets. (MUSIC FADE)