GK: And now (BOUNCY QUIZ SHOW THEME)-Carl's Atomic Blenders (FN GIANT BLENDER), go on a bender with juice from our blender-brings you--
TR (REGIS): BUZZ OFF! THE ANNUAL RADIO SOUND EFFECTS CHAMPIONSHIP--
GK: ...with the two top radio sound effects men in America today competing for valuable prizes --
TR (REGIS): Including this dangerous all-terrain vehicle (TK 3-WHEELER)
GK: This handy quick-start lawnmower (FN LAWNMOWER)
TR (REGIS): And Fanny's Diapers for dogs (TK DOG WHINE), allowing your dog to stay indoors for up to 26 hours at a time (TK DOG WHINE)
GK: And now, our contestants (DRUM ROLL) -- our challenger -- a native of Georgia, he's a man with two ice machines, in case one of them breaks down (ICE MACHINES). Now a resident of New York's Upper West side (FN CAR HONKING, INDIAN YELLING, OFF), he's a Harvard graduate in a knitted tie and clogs-Mr. Fred Newman (APPLAUSE) And from St. Paul, Minnesota, winner of many awards from the Eagles Club (TK EAGLE) and the Elks (TK ELK) and former president of the Friends of the Loon (TK LOON), he's a man with double-jointed hips (TK WOBBLE) who is not afraid to wear a bow-tie and mean it, Mr. Tom Keith. (APPLAUSE). Are the contestants ready? (FN & TK MURMUR YES). And our judges are standing by-(SS &
TR: Ready, ready). The judges will signify a correct answer with (BELL). An incorrect answer with the (KLAXON). When time is about to run out, you'll hear (MOO). And a bonus opportunity is signified by (SHOTGUN). Okay? (TK & FN) Good.
TR: ROUND ONE (BONG) -- BASIC SOUNDS. (MUSIC FANFARE)
GK: Mr. Fred Newman won the chicken-throwing contest backstage (TK CHICKEN CRY), so he will go first. (
FN: Yes!) First we spin the Wheel of Sound for your category (SPINNING WHEEL, SLOWING, STOP). And the category is:
TR (REGIS): Things that fly through the air or also when they land.
GK: Things that fly through the air or also when they land. Mr. Newman. Set the clock (WIND CLOCK)-- you'll have thirty seconds to do ten effects: ready?
FN: Ready.
GK: Helicopter (CHOPPER, BELL), a swarm of bees (BEES, BELL), a flying goose (GOOSE, BELL), a knife thrown into a door (KNIFE THROW, BWANG, BELL), a firecracker (FIRECRACKER, BELL), a tennis match (TENNIS, BELL), a cantaloupe falling from a great height (CANTOLOUPE FALLS, BELL), a giant sneeze (SNEEZE, BELL), an incoming rocket (INCOMING ROCKET, BELL), and arrows shot from a quiver (ARROWS, BELL) and landing in a bowl-full of lime jello (QUIVERING, BELL) (APPLAUSE) Judges, make your tallys, and now Tom Keith will spin the Wheel of Sound (SPINNING WHEEL). And the category is:
TR (REGIS): The last farm that wouldn't sell itself out to housing developments, even after the air force built a base three miles away.
GK: The last farm that wouldn't sell itself out to housing developments, even after the air force built a base three miles away. Mr. Keith. Set the clock (WIND CLOCK)-- you'll have thirty seconds to do ten effects: ready?
TK: Ready.
GK: A horse. (HORSE WHINNY, BELL) a power mower (POWER MOWER, BELL) a jet flying overhead (JET, BELL). A pig (PIG, BELL). A chicken (CHICKEN, BELL). A hay baler (HAY BALER, BELL) A jet flying overhead (JET, BELL). A dirty kid playing video games (KID, VIDEO GAMES), a soda can opening (SODA CAN OPENS, BELL), and a jet flying overhead (JET, BELL). (APPLAUSE) What have our contestants won, Regis Philbin?
TR (REGIS): Our contestants have won a home Water-Pic System (WATER-PIC, GARGLING), courtesy of Fancy Teeth Unlimited, a year's supply of Beefalo, (COW, BUFFALO), the only meat that's half beef and half buffalo, and also a home visit from a Peruvian flute band (PERUVIAN FLUTES). (CROWD GASPS)
GK: Lovely. And now to the Super-Challenge Round, where our contestants will go mano-a-mano first one, and then the other, squaring off, head-to-head, and first we have--
TR (REGIS): Fred Newman. Dolphins darting up onto land and grabbing sunbathers' boom boxes and leaping back into the water with them (FN SFX, ORGAN FANFARE)
TR (REGIS): Tom Keith. A seagull riding a motorcycle that gets a flat tire and careens into a bluff. (TK SFX, ORGAN FANFARE)
TR (REGIS): Fred Newman. A pig grabs a fire extinguisher and shoots it at an ice cream truck (FN SFX, ORGAN FANFARE)
TR (REGIS): Tom Keith. Putting a muskmelon through a shredder, and the muskmelon jams and then explodes (TK SFX, ORGAN FANFARE)
TR (REGIS): And Fred Newman. A badger on top of a Frisbee that flies over a fence and is snatched by a condor. (FN SFX, ORGAN FANFARE)
GK: And the judges holding up their scorecards: (FANFARE) Mr. Keith 9.49 and Mr. Newman 9.51. Very close, very close, coming into our final challenge round. And Regis, what have the contestants won so far?
TR (REGIS): Our contestants have won a home trampoline kit (TRAMPOLINE SFX), fun for the whole family, and also fun for lonely persons, and they've also won a diesel-powered mobile home unit (JALOPY STARTS, COUGHING). (CROWD REACTION)
GK: Great. Now we're at the sudden death round, which sounds worse than it is, and our two ace radio sound effects men with gather all their inner strength and throw everything they've got at each other. These are complicated effects, and these are trained professionals, so do not try this at home. Regis?
TR (REGIS): Bees in a blender thrown from an attack helicopter, go! (TK SFX, ORGAN FANFARE)
TR (REGIS): Fred Newman. Chihuahuas catapulted from a moving train, go! (FN SFX, ORGAN FANFARE)
TR (REGIS): Tom Keith'Peacock flies into the mouth of a tuba being played in the shower. Go. (TK SFX, ORGAN FANFARE)
TR(REGIS): Fred Newman-that same peacock in that same tuba in that same shower, only now there's a circular saw working to get it loose. Go! (FN SFX, ORGAN FANFARE)
TR (REGIS): Tom Keith-Eco-terrorist frog with a chainsaw cutting the fuel line of a moving logging truck. Go! (TK SFX, ORGAN FANFARE)
TR (REGIS): Fred Newman-Vendor hitting fruit bats with a tennis racquet as they attack his donkey cart, mobile cappuccino machine. Go! (FN SFX, ORGAN FANFARE)
(BELL)
GK: And that bell signals the end of the sudden death round, and our contestants sure look spent (HEAVY BREATHING, FAST HEARTBEAT) (KLAXON)
TR (REGIS): Uh oh. There's a red flag. There's a problem.
GK: And the judges are going up to Tom Keith, and they are frisking him. (JUDGES MURMURING)
TK (OFF): Hey, hands off-
(CHICKEN, OFF)
GK: And now they are producing a live chicken from Mr. Tom Keith's pantleg-
TK (OFF): Hey, how did that get there?
TR (REGIS): Holy cow, Mr. Tom Keith had a chicken down his pants-
GK: That means he's disqualified and Fred Newman is this year's winner!
(APPLAUSE, ORGAN FANFARE)
FN: Wow! I can't believe this-
TR (REGIS): You're the winner, Mr. Fred Newman, and you take home two of everything, since Tom Keith was disqualified-
TK (OFF): I was robbed-
GK: Do you have anything you'd like to say to the audience, Mr. Fred Newman, this year's Buzz Off Champion--
FN: Just that ( BARRY MANILOW, UP) I make the sounds, the sounds of everything--.Of motors, horns, and lovers whispering. I am the champion of this whole town. I make the sounds, I make the sounds.
TR (REGIS): Good night everyone--
GK: Good night, and see you again, this time next year
(FN SINGING BARRY MANILOW, OUT)