GK: It's March, it's two months since you resolved to get outdoors more, and now you've been sitting in front of your wide-screen HDTV for about six weeks straight-watching the golf channel (GOLF SWING, CROWD REACTION), the surgery channel (CLICK, VENTILATOR, SQUORT, EFFORT, BONE CRUNCH)
SS: OH OH
TK: Turn off the camera
GK: And the cooking channel---- (WHIRR OF BLENDER)
SS: And now we pour that in there. (THICK POURING) And we scorch it to caramelize the sugar. (BLOW TORCH)
GK: And the news channel (CLICK, MURMURING NEWS BROADCASTER,), and the classic movie channel (CLICK)
TR (BOGART): Spade's the name. Sam Spade. Here to ask a few questions and I'd like straight answers. No storytelling. Just strictly multiple choice.
(CLICK, DOGS BARKING)
SS (SOUTHERN, TRASHY): I always did love New Orleans at night when the air is like gumbo and you feel like everyone in the city is related to you somehow.
GK: Days go by (CLOCK TICKS). Your friends call and leave messages.
(BEEP)
SS (ON PHONE): Jack? Are you there? Pick up the phone Jack. Hello?
GK: Your boss calls and leaves a message.
(BEEP)
TK (ON PHONE): Jack. Mr. Gibbons. Haven't seen you in a while. Figured you'd quit so we hired someone else. Good luck. We cleaned out your desk and threw everything away and burned it. Bye. (BEEP)
GK: Eventually your landlord comes by and evicts you.
SS (DEEP): Beat it. (DOOR SLAM)
GK: So you pack your things into your car and you drive. You don't know where you're going, but eventually you get there (TIRES ON GRAVEL) --it's an old abandoned shack in the woods. An abandoned shack with an electrical outlet, so you can plug in your TV (TV TURNS ON)
SS: ...sea salts, which can go in a grinder, and you twist it like that (GRINDING SALT)
GK: And that's when you notice--
TK (OWL): Hoo hoooo...
GK: It's an old owl. Sitting on the mantel. You thought it was stuffed but it's not.
TK (OWL): Hooo hoo...
GK: The two of you sit and watch Motocross racing (MOTORCYCLES). And then one night you hear the mice (MICE CHEWING). They chew through the electrical cable and (ELECTROCUTION) sparks go everywhere and the place goes dark and you have no TV and no heat and no running water (TR: Oh, great) and you have to dig a latrine (DIGGING), and cut wood with your axe (TR EFFORTS, BIG STROKES OF AXE), you're out there using the latrine and that's when the bear appears (BEAR, TR YELP) and you try to run but your pants are down around your ankles but you run to your car (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, CAR DOOR OPENS, SHUTS) and (CAR STRAINS, BEAR APPROACHES), the bear is clawing on the window (HEAVY BEAR BREATHING, CLAWING) and then (CAR STARTS, SQUEALS OFF)-the car starts and you drive straight to the airport (PANICKED PARKING), and you run to the gate and you buy a ticket to Tampa--
SS (NASAL): Gate 12C, your flight departs in 10 minutes-
GK: And you run to security and wait in line for a few minutes (TR IRRITATION) and you take your shoes off (REMOVING SHOES) and your belt (REMOVING BELT) and you put them through the scanner (BEEPING), and then you put your backpack down and put that through the scanner (TR: Hurry hurry hurry), and then (BEEP)
TK (COP): Bag check.
GK: And they take your bag off the conveyor belt and they pull out an axe (STING)
TK (COP): What's this?
GK: And then they pull out something else (FLAPPING) It's the owl.
TK (OWL): Whoooooo.
(THEME)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.