(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: It was March, and I was starting to come apart at the seams. My desk was like a sinking ship, with a phone book propping up one corner where I had kicked the leg, and the clock had died at 5:30, and there was a big yellow stain on the ceiling tiles that I hadn't seen before -- misery fumes, maybe. The cactus that Sugar gave me when we broke up had died and I leaned over to pick it up and my back went out and I went down--and banged my knee on the empty fish tank, and lay there for a moment, and then the phone rang and I had to let it go to the answering machine:
SS (FLEXNER): Mr. Noir. It's Dr.Flexner, the psychiatrist on the 10th floor. I couldn't help but notice when I saw you on the elevator today, that you looked a little peaked. (BRIDGE)
GK: And ten minutes later I was in her office, telling her how rotten I felt.
SS (FLEXNER): Okay, I've got "feelings of worthlessness, like nothing you do will ever matter anyway so why bother --brooding, difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep, inability to wake up, sleepiness during the day--"
GK: That's me in a nutshell.
SS (FLEXNER): And approximately how long have you been this way?
GK: Uh. Who was the president before Reagan?
SS (FLEXNER): That long, huh? Depression comes from suppressed rage, Mr. Noir. What is it you're angry about?
GK: I'm not angry.
(WRITING)
SS (FLEXNER): Denial--
GK: I shouldn't have come here.
(WRITING)
SS (FLEXNER): Low frustration tolerance--
GK: Maybe I should try another therapist--
(WRITING)
SS (FLEXNER): Escapism, ultimately leading to loneliness and despair...
(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAMS)
GK: So, I went to get a second opinion. Starflower Moonglow Wellness Center: Energy Healing, Aromatherapy, Tanning Beds.
SS (BREATHY): Are you comfortable, Mr. Noir?
GK: Fine. Thanks.
SS (BREATHY): What sort of ambience do you prefer?
GK: Ambience?
SS (BREATHY): We have Chilean flute (FLUTE) and we have rain forest (BIRDS) and we have surf (WAVES).
GK: How about silence?
SS (BREATHY): Beautiful. I love that. You have a beautiful soul. I'm reading your energy.
GK: I'm reading your energy too.
SS (BREATHY): Your heart chakra feels blocked to me.
GK: I've been trying to unblock that chakra for years.
SS (BREATHY): I want you to visualize success, Mr. Noir.
GK: I'm trying to, believe me.
SS (BREATHY): I want you to imagine positive outcomes, Mr. Noir. Believe and Achieve.
GK: Believe and achieve.
SS (BREATHY): Whatever you want, I want you to imagine yourself getting it.
GK: I'm trying to.
SS (BREATHY): Our dreams are our guides, Mr. Noir. They lead us to our heart's desire.
GK: And here I am.
TR (FABIO): Uh...Starflower. Hi. I'm all set, whenever you are.
SS (BREATHY): I'll be right there, Laser. --Oh. This is my boyfriend, Laser. Mr. Noir.
TR (FABIO): Hello. Man, I just felt your energy field turn like really dark, Mr. Noir. I don't think you're visualizing success--
GK: I'm sort of visualizing a toilet right now. And I'm a little piece of paper going around and around and around.
(BRIDGE) But I went back to my office and I sat there watching the snow melt (DRIPPING) and I tried visualizing success. (REVERB, FANTASY MUSIC) Visualizing success. Visualizing success. Visualizing success. I sat back in my chair and I imagined sitting in a big auditorium and -- a lady in a very tight gold lame dress...
(ENVELOPE OPENING)
SS (MARILYN): And the winner for best detective in a crime drama is-Guy Noir! (HUGE APPLAUSE)- (SINGS) Congratulations, Guy Noir. Congratulations, Guy Noir. Congratulations, Guy Noir. Here's an award for you. (SHE FADES) Here's an award for you.
GK: And then she faded away. Success. Visualizing success. I can feel it. I can taste it. (PHONE RINGS) Yeah Noir here.
TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Mr. Guy Noyer?
GK: Noir, yes-
(FANFARE)
TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Wowza wowza wowza, Mr. Noir, you are the lucky winner of the 300 million dollar Powercube jackpot, yes you are--
GK: Me?!!?
TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Yes you, for sure you-You can have a lump sum of 300 million dollars right now, tax-free-
GK: Tax-free??
TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Or you can have 100 thousand dollars a week for the rest of your life--
GK: Listen. I didn't really win it, did I.
TR (ON PHONE): No, you didn't.
GK: I didn't think so.
TR (ON PHONE): It was only a visualization.
GK: I know. I doubt that I ever would win anything in a contest, don't you?
TR (ON PHONE): Honestly? I don't think you will.
GK: No. Probably not. Well, thanks.
TR (ON PHONE): You're welcome. (B RIDGE)
GK: Visualizing success. Why am I such a failure at it? Got to focus. Got to think harder. Close my eyes. Visualize.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
GK: Yeah come in--
(DOOR OPENS, HEELS ENTER)
SS (LOW): Mr. Noir? Oh there you are.
(SEXY PIANO)
GK: She was tall, with flaxen blonde hair, and she moved with the stealth of a cougar. She wore white t-shirt with a bullseye over the heart, and her jeans were so tight I could count the change in her pocket. Fifty cents, and I'd never seen two George Washingtons look so happy.
SS (LOW): You dropped your wallet on the street, Mr. Noir. So I followed you up here.
GK: Oh. Thanks.
SS (LOW): You walked past me and I felt this electricity. Mind if I sit in your lap?
GK: Something tells me I don't have much choice in the matter-
SS (LOW): I was on my way to meet my boyfriend and I felt this magnetic force and it was you. Kiss me, Mr. Noir. Kiss me-
GK: You're not really going to kiss me, are you?
SS (LOW): Why do you ask?
GK: I just want to know.
SS: Visualize me kissing you-my full moist lips pressing against yours-pressing harder and harder-my tongue-
GK: You're not going to do it, are you?
SS: No. I guess not. I was going to but not now.
(KNOCKING)
GK: You mean you were sort of thinking of it?
SS: It was an option.
GK: Really?
TR (RICO): Hey. Open up. Exterminator. (DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS) Exterminator. Building's got bugs. Gotta shoot some pesticide. (FIRE EXTINGUISHER) Come out you little critters. Show your face.
GK (COUGHING): I was sort of doing something here.
TR (RICO): You were just sitting there alone-
(FIRE EXTINGUISHER BLASTS) move--
(BRIDGE)
GK: I headed downstairs to the coffee shop (ESPRESSO) to get the taste of pesticide out of my mouth. I got a double latte and I sat down in the corner with the crossword puzzle. One Across was a six-letter word for disappointment-- I tried to visualize it.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
SS: Excuse me, is that your car out there?
GK: Yes, yes it is.
SS: Your headlights are on and the motor is running.
GK: Huh.
SS: The windshield wipers are going.
GK: I see that.
SS: But you left it in neutral.
GK: Oh no!
SS: The doors are locked and the keys are in the ignition.
GK: No-no no no--
SS: And it's rolling into the street-
GK: Ai yi yi-
SS: And by the way'one across is "fiasco"
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building-one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir. Private Eye.